Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

{I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. These snipetts show why the nation is in such trouble!}
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I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
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I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...(click).
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A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
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I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
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An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
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An Illinois Congresswoman called Last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
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A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
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A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
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I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
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A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!
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A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
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A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere. "The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! "The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
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Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in

[Wardad]

A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye sight test.

The optician shows him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z' .





"Can you read this?" the optician asks.





"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

[Randallw]

I sort of know a polish joke, but fear not its not making fun of polish people. I can't remember the name exactly so I'll try to use the Popes name.

Jane Wojtyla was always having to explain how to spell her Last name. She had come to dread telling people. One day she phoned the Polish embassy to get a travel visa. The dreaded time came to say her name

"What name is it for?"
"Jane Wojtyla"
"How do you spell it?"
"w..o...j..."
"No, how do you spell Jane?"

[Ed Kolis]

Fyron came close... the answer I had in mind was... (drumroll)... "QUAC"

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Read this: http://www.drunkduck.com/Culture_Shock/

Um, it'll probably be off the first page sometime.

[Wardad]

I can read it but then English is my language. If English is a second language for you, can you read?

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I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought
slpeling was ipmorantt!

[Asmala]

Wardad said:
I can read it but then English is my language. If English is a second language for you, can you read?

English isn't my native language but I can read it.

[Randallw]

True story.

A local Radio show is holding a Tasmanian idle competition to find the laziest person at the rural show. I thought of entering but couldn't be bothered.

[Renegade 13]

Good one!

[Jack Simth]

Online game, takes itself exceptionally un-seriously:
http://www3.kingdomofloathing.com/