Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Erm yes..... that's the point of the joke. They push you into the sea because you look like a stranded whale.

How do you know you're EVEN fatter?

If the US launches airstrikes against you to prevent you from standing up, falling over and causing the entire Atlantic to gush over the US and into the Pacific. (if you're in Europe)

[Fyron]

Why has this thread devolved to fat jokes? What's next, yo' momma jokes? Wardad, save us all!

[Smolf]

Joint_Chief_SI_Ultima said:
Erm yes..... that's the point of the joke. They push you into the sea because you look like a stranded whale.

I know that's the point... I was just adding a comment to it

[Puke]

Randallw said:

and I bet you don't know we make some quite exquisite wines, you B!%^&#D.

Hey, the Austria-Hungarian empire was well on the way to establishing a lasting Middle Eastern peace, before the Russians decided to step in on behalf of Serbia.

Archduke Ferdinand was truely a great diplomat.

I have not been reading this thread, so this one may have been spent already:

A captain walks into a bar, with a ships wheel hanging from his belt. Barkeep says, "Hey man, did you know you have a ship's wheel about your waist?!"

The captain answers: "Aye, and its driving me nuts!"

[Alneyan]

They were speaking of Australia however, and not Austria. It is so confusing to have so similar countries; truly, Australians could have chosen a better name when they built their island in the Pacific.

Alneyan, French *and* non-smoking *and* virgin. Honest!

[Gandalph]

Just got this one in an email from a friend, thought it woulld be worth a post.

Wrong Email
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a deadfaint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here

[Puke]

Alneyan said:
They were speaking of Australia however, and not Austria.

oh, i misread then. verily, australians have no etequitte. and americans cant spell. dont smoke, eh? i supose that next you will tell me you have no fondness for Jerry Lewis.

*ahem*

A man walks into the doctors office, proclaiming "doctor! doctor! you must help me! i have five penises!"

The doctor looks astonished and asks, "my god, man! how do your pants fit?"

Man answers: "Like a glove!"

[rdouglass]

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I have used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started to become a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of Liquid Tide With Bleach Alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives came by yesterday and told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. It was quite a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go.

I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people too!

Signed,

A Relieved Menopausal Wife

[Puke]

A young monk goes to his zen master and asks:

"Teacher, what is your favorite kind of ice cream?"

the master answers:

"Koan."

[TerranC]

Puke said:
A young monk goes to his zen master and asks:

"Teacher, what is your favorite kind of ice cream?"

the master answers:

"Koan."

Me no gets joke.