[Growltigger]

Captain Slog, Stardate 12.38 and almost lunch time (mine's a pint).

My orders are to examine the brewery at Fartpoint on Planet Anus IV. The inhabitants have apparently been brewing some really cracking ale that has the added side effect of giving its drinkers X ray vision. It apparently is also the cause of chronic flatulence in the inhabitants of that planet, the build up of methane is threatening to destabilise the magnetosphere of that planet. Planet Anus IV is really in danger of disappearing up its own backside.

I am becoming better acquainted with my new command, this "Cantina" class TSSS Phong's Head. I am still somewhat in awe of its size and complexity, but I have managed to find the boy's cloakroom, the captain's bar and my own shower, although what the button marked "old Faithful" in that shower does is worrying me.

My crew are short in several positions, after all, my first officer is only 4 foot 2" tall. Taz is doing his best in ten forward, although a diet of tribble wings is getting a little tiresome. Our science officer is worrying me, he turned up for duty in red taffeta this morning, whilst singing Jimmy Sommerville hits. I have also had to staple our weapon officers hands to his legs to stop him firing the phasers at anything that moves..

Engineering seems to have disappeared. No-one has seen our doctor either, or the FBWs for that matter.

I have one query, how do we stop this ship?