Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

Growltigger · #1 May 1st, 2003, 01:41 AM

Captain Slog, Stardate 12.38 and almost lunch time (mine's a pint).

My orders are to examine the brewery at Fartpoint on Planet Anus IV. The inhabitants have apparently been brewing some really cracking ale that has the added side effect of giving its drinkers X ray vision. It apparently is also the cause of chronic flatulence in the inhabitants of that planet, the build up of methane is threatening to destabilise the magnetosphere of that planet. Planet Anus IV is really in danger of disappearing up its own backside.

I am becoming better acquainted with my new command, this "Cantina" class TSSS Phong's Head. I am still somewhat in awe of its size and complexity, but I have managed to find the boy's cloakroom, the captain's bar and my own shower, although what the button marked "old Faithful" in that shower does is worrying me.

My crew are short in several positions, after all, my first officer is only 4 foot 2" tall. Taz is doing his best in ten forward, although a diet of tribble wings is getting a little tiresome. Our science officer is worrying me, he turned up for duty in red taffeta this morning, whilst singing Jimmy Sommerville hits. I have also had to staple our weapon officers hands to his legs to stop him firing the phasers at anything that moves..

Engineering seems to have disappeared. No-one has seen our doctor either, or the FBWs for that matter.

I have one query, how do we stop this ship?

geoschmo · #2 May 1st, 2003, 01:47 AM

Tribbles have wings?

Chief Medical officers log: (hehe, he said log. shut up beevis)

My initial excitment at getting to uh, "examine" the FBW's turned to dismay when I heard what our mission was.

"What? Fartpoint? I am like 200 years old in this episode. Aw crud."

Not wanting to be relegated to shuffleboard and prune juice for the remainder of the mission I needed to go back in time. I talked Engineer Erax into bypassing the warp jeffries tube conduit into the tacheyon grid and building up a feedback loop....Aw who am I kidding. I slipped the script writer a hundred and had him rewrite my character as a healthy late twenty-something stud.

Now where did those FBW's get to....

[ April 30, 2003, 12:59: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

Growltigger · #3 April 30th, 2003, 02:27 PM

Captain Jon Luc Le Grand Chat stares out of the window in his private lounge, watching the starfield whizz past and thinking long and hard about how they are going to stop this ship.

Where is the damn first officer when you need him??

The debonaire captain coms Engineer Erax. "Erax, have you wired the sickbay to discharge tachyon particles into it?, Aye captain, I have", says the burly Scottish Brazilian engineer. "Yew can oot the neet whenever ye like captain, but you canna fire tachyon particles in the sickbay, cos that'll have the effect of boiling the testicles on anyone in there".

The captain checks his viewing screen and see that only Doctor Geo is in the sickbay, slugging Jack Daniels back as normal and dreaming of abusing hogs..

"Engineer Erax, one large tachyon burst in the sickbay if you please, make it so"

Growltigger · #4 April 30th, 2003, 02:27 PM

oops, double post but it is amusing to listen to the good doctor screaming in pain..

[ April 30, 2003, 13:28: Message edited by: growltigger ]

geoschmo · #5 April 30th, 2003, 02:43 PM

The sound of a muffled sizzling was quickly replaced by a shieking noise. Dr. Geo looked around for a moment trying to figure out what the noise was, only to realize it was coming from him. He doubled over in pain and dropped to the floor as the FBW's fled sickbay in horror.

The pain subsided quickly and Geo locked the door and crawled up on the nearest bed. As he rested another noise started. A hissing noise as if small ballons were inflating with air. After this came two quiet "pops" one right after the other, and Geo was good as new.

What, you thought heads were the only thing my race can regrow?

[ April 30, 2003, 13:43: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

dogscoff · #6 April 30th, 2003, 03:38 PM

In command of the bridge while the Captain carries out various "training excercises" in the ready room, the first officer is suddenly interrupted from his contemplation by his old flame, the as yet uncast counsellor Schmoi. She seems to be in some discomfort.

Schmoi: "My strange and mysterious half-alien sensitivity is picking something up. It's just too awful to describe."
Number 1: "What is it? Are you empathically feeling some kind of overwhelmingly deep grief from an unknown source? Or are you aware of the presence of some super-powerful, God-like intelligence studying us?"
Schmoi: "No, the planet we're flying towards stinks of sh!t."
Number 1: "Captain to the bridge. Erax, I need you to re-modulate the shields to screen out nasally offensive radiation. Can it be done?"

[ April 30, 2003, 14:40: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

Growltigger · #7 April 30th, 2003, 04:15 PM

Captain Slog Stardate half past three GMT

I am worried that the inactivity in the TSSS Phong's Head is making my crew even more lazy than usual. We need an alien infestation to liven them up before we reach Fart Point.

Even better, just beaming in Rags and Raging Deadstar for a quick phaser fight and kicking will do the trick....

Captain Slog to Mr S'Katchoo, switch sensors onto wide sweep to locate Rags or RD