(OT) Some advice for me / My Depression Thread / Thanks forumers

[Taera]

Hello everyone, first off please keep this topic serious. if it drifts away ill just ask it to be deleted. thanks.

i have some problems... and hope that some of you, at least half of which are more than twice my age, can perharps advice me about.
Some background, in september '02 i immigrated, together with ymm family, to Canada.
Now it've been almost 9 months since then.
I find myself struggling to find friendships. Overally i am a relatively quiet person but this trait is acquired. I know some psychology and know how to deal with problems, and guess i would be able to get past through this - but i would appreciate some advice.

At this moment im very depressed. I spend most of my days home, on the computer. playing games.
While this *might* be okay for someone its not for me - in school (high school, 11th grade) i can not seem to be able to make friendships. As it appears i simply do not know how.

Other side is i happen to like a girl. She's now a friend of mine but im afraid to try anything further... because chances are it'll fail (very social, very nice looking girl, much different from me) i'll lose her as a friend (most likely). this does add up to my depression.

I am also suffering from lack of topics to talk about, with just about anyone (my interests kinda differ).

I am not looking for pity, this is a problem i got myself into. But i want this solved. Any advice appreciated.

And please, do not make me regret i made this post. I do not usually make such things, I simply trust you people to be serious.

Thanks.

[ June 20, 2003, 06:40: Message edited by: Taera ]

[Stone Mill]

It's brave to post about something like this, although I'd take advice on the Boards for what it is worth.

I had a rough time in High School as well, but I did find friends who were considered "nerds" if you please. Some of these geeks are my friends to this day. Find out if these are any gamers in your school or in the local area. That is a way to find friends who share a common bond... if not, find another area of interest, like a sport, for example.

Change your mindset and volunteer for something like Habitat for Humanity, or homeless shelter, or a local community project. You will feel good about yourself, and you can meet people this way as well.

Oh and Last but not least, never be afraid to talk it out with someone. If your school counselor is not your style, find someone who is. Do this IN PERSON. 75% of communication is nonverbal.

Too bad you are bummed out, but sometimes "just getting through" tough times is enough. Give it some time, circumstances will change, and so will your perspective.

[dogscoff]

My teenage years were a lot like this. I assume you're a teenager- I'm not entirely sure what 11th Grade means. Forgive me if any of the following sounds patronising then.

The important thing about meeting people and making friends is to know and be comfortable with who you are, and unfortunately this is rarely something people learn before reaching full adulthood. That's why teenagers have such a rough time emotionally.

Luckily we on the forums know you to be intelligent and creative, and those qualities will help you on your way and will eventually draw people to you. The main problem is that people of your age (man I feel old saying this=-) tend to value shallow things (looks, fashion, wealth) above more profound qualities.

Anyway, my advice would be to diversify your interests a little. I know it sounds like a lame attempt to try to change yourself in order to "fit in", but that's not it at all. There's no harm in trying out some different things. That's what life's all about and you might find something you like.

What you need to do (IMO) then is to take up another activity- one that requires you going out and attending a club or group. Football, chess, martial arts, amateur rocketry, voluntary conservation work... anything that gets you out of the house for a few hours each week. You'll meet people, practise your social skills and maybe find a subject to talk to this girl (and other potential friends) about other than computers/ gaming, which still carry something of a geekish stigma, unfortunately.

You'll also (probably) get a chance to mix with older people a little more, which is a good thing. It's right for you to be looking for friendship among people of your own age, but at the same time I think there are certain social skills you can only really learn from adults.

You might have to try out a number of different activities before you find one that suits you, but that's fine. It's all good experience, and experience is what counts. Eventually you'll find something that you can really get passionate about. Go to local sports and community centres and ask for a list of Groups that use their facilities on a regular basis. Local community websites can be good for this sort of thing as well.

You're doing the right thing talking to us about it as well. Trying to cope with this sort of thing is really not easy, especially if you try to do it on your own.

Other side is i happen to like a girl. She's now a friend of mine but im afraid to try anything further... because chances are it'll fail (very social, very nice looking girl, much different from me) i'll lose her as a friend (most likely).

It's interesting that you describe her here as a friend, but earlier you said that you can't make friendships. You may be better at making friends than you think. Also, don't assume that she won't like you just because you're different to her. Who knows what she likes? Take it easy, spend time talking to her (and just as important, listening to her) and get to know one-another more. If there is any potential for romance it will make itself felt soon enough.

EDIT: I hadn't read stone mill's post when I wrote this, so it seems we've come to similar conclusions independently.

[ May 21, 2003, 16:45: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Ruatha]

Hi there Taera, I'll say what I think even though you put some No's in my poll

I can recognize myself earlier in life in your description.
All the girls I've been together with have taken the lead, myself I never dared take the initiative.
My wife and I was friends for three years before she asked me what we were actually doing spending all this time together....
So I'm thankful to my Wife

What about talking to this girl about your current situation?
About how hard it is to find friends, OR talk to her about how you really like her but don't wanna loose her as a friend... (Don't talk about both, that seems desperate!)

Many have written about activities, if you are going down into a depression the first things one stop with are usually those that are fun, so if you used to do some things that you found fun but don't anymore, do them anyway!!! The activity is propably still fun but the lack of initiative is difficult.

Take some person and use as a test person. See how far you can go without embarrasing yourself, talk about anything, it doesn't matter what, questions are usually a good thing. Ask them what they did this weekend, spin on that, was it fun, have you done it before, the key point is to focus interest on the other person, then they'll really like you! Active listening!

For me my great break through was when I moved to another town and started a new school (17 years old), only two people there knew me as I used to be, quiet and shy. This time I decided to don't care.
If I blushed, so what, girls like it!
I talked and joked and went to discos, where I look like there's a severe case of electrical shocks sent through me, not a pretty sight, but I tried to ingnore the fact that I cared!
I made a fool out of myself several times but I tried to not show that I cared, I tried joking it away, and it got easier all the time. Taking the initiative with girls though was a limit I didn't dare cross, but thankfully somehow I started to get more attractive the more I blushed and made a fool of myself! (I guess it's something with the maternal instinct, take care of the poor sod!)
About at this time I started skydiving aswell, that also gave my ego a real kick and might be why I could do the things I did, I got an identity which I somehow had thought I hadn't had before, I needed an external definition of myself.
(Made 500+ jumps before my first kid came and I stopped, met my wife while skydiving when I was 24 , first kiss in freefall)

Later in life when I got my first kid I got my depression. It was too much with med school, a kid , a wife that was constantly tired and blamed me for everything from the dirty dishes to the cold weather (Tired post-partum women are not fun!).
I had no time for anything fun.

First I didn't know what had hit me but as my wife is a psychologist she saw what was happening.
Then I started talking with most of my friends about how I was feeling, what a lousy person I was, a bad father, a bad student etc. No one backed away! It took a couple of months before it turned, I was never that bad that I had to stay away from lectures but I failed the exam that semester for the only time in my life!

So to sum it up, Activities, things you would have found fun if you weren't sad.
Talk, to your friend and family about how you feel, they can surprise you!.
Talk to others, about anything, it get's easier and easier. (One can always start with something lame; "-I really wanna talk with you but I don't know about what, You tell me what we should talk about!"
If you embarras yourself or make a fool of yourself so what, in a hundred years no one will know. And will embarrasing yourself make things worse than they are today.

What can you gain and what can you loose, is it worth it?

And finaly, don't give up!

Edit again:
One other thing I did that I won't recommend but that bears some thought.
I stopped with computers.
I had spent three years learning all about them, had imported my own Sinclair ZX-81 Amstrad CPC-464 from England and was a computer wizard, thought the teachers alot.
I sold muy computers and started working in an supermarket. I never took advantage of my computer school training.
I worked in the supermarket for a year, impossible not to meet people.
My relatives thought I was mad, giving up a future proof field with good pay checks and becoming a shop assistant.
After that I worked as a helper at a hospital for a year after military service, then I became a nurse's aid and eventually Med school.
Then I talked to my wife about how I'd really liek to get a computer, but the risk is that i'll become asocial.
She didn't udnertsnd that and said "Go ahead and buy it", she really regrets that!
Still I haven't become asocial, but it steals some time from my family so I try to limit my computer time!

About being shy and quiet, after ignoring it for a couple of years it goes away!

[ May 21, 2003, 17:51: Message edited by: Ruatha ]

[Alpha Kodiak]

Taera, I know what you are going through. When I was your age, I had a miserable time with relationships of all sorts, and especially with girls. Looking back, there are a couple of things that might have helped me, and a few things that I did do to help myself, that might be helpful to you.

First and foremost, realize that you are not the only person in your school who feels the way you do. There are others who also feel helpless when it comes to relationships. One thing that helped me, even though I wasn't very good at it, was to seek out others with similar interests and similar problems. For me, there were two places that got me going. One was the chess club and chess team at my high school. Not that I got along perfectly with everyone, but it was worth the effort and I was able to make good friends with similar interests to mine. The second place was church, as again, I was able to find people with similar interests to mine.

While the places to find people with similar interests may be different for you, the point is to seek them out and become involved. Take advantage of opportunities at school. You are correct that you shouldn't sit around and play computer games all the time. You need to get out and do things with other people, even though it takes a lot of work at first.

Now to the more difficult topic, girls.... (and especially the one you are interested in.) I just got a little advice from my wife (yes, even the most awkward of us can eventually find the right girl) about this. The most important thing is to not try and force the issue. I drove off a couple of girls I really liked when I was in high school and college by trying to impress them into liking me. According to my wife, the best thing is to be really interested in her (as a person, not as a girl, if that makes sense) and what she is interested in. If you really like her as a person, she will sense that, and like you back. Whether things ever progress beyond that is not for me to say from this distance, but a strong friendship is necessary for the relationship to ever progress further.

If there really seems to be a friendship developing, then try asking her out to a very non-threatening thing, perhaps an event at school. If she says no, do not push the issue and your friendship should stay intact. Just keep building your friendship when you have the opportunity. Do not make the mistake I made and push the issue by telling her how attracted you are to her until the relationship is much further developed. Finally, if the relationship does not develop the way you want it to, it is not the end of the world (though it may seem like it). You are still very young, and there are a lot of girls out there. I met the girl I eventually married when I was 21, and did not convince her to marry me until I was 27. It took that long to build our relationship, but it was worth every day. I am truly fortunate that I did not get one of the girls I pursued before, as I now realize that they were nowhere near the match for me that my wife is.

One thing that I regret is that I did not talk with my dad much about what I was going through in those years. Later, I discovered that he had had many of the same experiences that I had, and could have given me good advice, had I been willing to talk with him. I would recommend talking with your parents. Chances are they have some pretty good ideas of what you are going through. (I did talk some with my mother, whom I was closer to at that time. It was very helpful to get a female's perspective when dealing with girls. The most important thing I learned was that they are just as insecure as the guys are. )

[Chauron]

Dogscoff: 11th grad is usually around age 17...

Taera: I'm in about the same position, have been all my life actually. I'm 17, just getting out of 11th myself.
I had a hard time with friends, most of the time I felt like an outcast around other ppl. I was also an only child for the first 10 years of my life. (the 10 greatest years of my life lol) So I learned how to get along fine by myself. I stopped caring about what other ppl thought of me and I stopped trying to fit in.
It took a while but I eventually found some friends, not many mind you but I did find a few. Just be yourself, like Dogscoff said, look for other comp nuts like us in your school or neighborhood. Trust me they are everywhere

Looking for new hobbies might help. The other guys said something about community service, like a homeless shelter or something. See if your school has a Key Club.
Key Club is the largest high school orginization in the World. The Carolinas district alone (North and Souther Carolina) has 30 something divisions and 4 or 5 clubs in each one. See if you can get into one...
Church is another good place to meet ppl. I met my current girlfriend at my church. However she lives 1000 miles away from me... I'm still trying to figure that one out myself

About this girl... Try talking to her about your situation. If she is a friend worth having she will try and help. Don't be pushy though..
If you need to talk, you know my email...
And remember you've always got us in Legacies

EDIT: Ack! two ppl posted while I was writing...

[ May 21, 2003, 16:59: Message edited by: Chauron ]