Grandpa Kim on the topic of duty

[tbontob]

Grandpa Kim

I liked your dissertation on "duty";
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Do not confuse "duty" with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can entail anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect.
But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier to deal with a footpad than it is with leech who wants "just a few minutes of your time, please-- this won't take long." Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to such requests, they quickly snowball to the point where these parasites will use up 100 percent of your time-- and squawk for more!
So learn to say No-- and to be rude about it when necessary.
Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you.
(This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don't do it because it is "expected" of you.)

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The fundamental issue here is "Who has the right to decide your actions".

We often do the kneejerk reaction when someone accuses us of not doing our duty or of being selfish. If we do, then we accept the premise that the person has the right to control us.

But we can pause and think about the accusation. We can acknowledge that we have the right to say "No" to the person claiming we are selfish. And if the person continues on the "selfish" tact or some other ploy, then that person is being manipulative as he/she will not accept 'no' for an answer.

A good way to question that person perception of his right to control or manipulate your actions is to ask "What part of 'No' do you not understand."

The hard manipulator will totally ignore the question and continue to manipulate which should tell you something about him/her.

In such a situation, you then have a number of choices.
1) Remove yourself from the situation
2) Ask the question again and again until he/she addresses it.

The soft manipulator will pause and then try to divert it or explain it away, but still avoiding the issue that you have a right to decide the issue for yourself

The answer to the soft manipulator is "I have the right to say 'No' to anything I do not like. I choose to say 'No' now."

If the soft manipulator continues, go back to "What part of 'No' do you not understand?"

Unfortunately, the inability to say 'No' is part of the 'please disease'.

We do not want to offend, so we repress our own needs in preference to the other's.

We then run the danger of establishing a relationship where the other person's needs are paramount and our needs do not count.

In such a situation it can become very difficult to re-establish an 'equal' relationship as the manipulator (consciously or unconsciously) does not want to relinquish the power he has over the other person.

It does help to say to yourself when you are accused of being selfish "No, I am not being selfish, I am being selfull."

It also helps to acknowledge "When I am empty, I have nothing to give to others. So, I need to look after myself first and when I have done that, I can choose where and how I want to help others."

It is only when a person acknowledges that s/he (and nobody else) has the right to make her/his own decisions and acknowledges that s/he is accountable for them that the person can reclaim the right and the power to decide things for himself.