OT-Horrorscope

[tesco samoa]

for the week of Jan 29th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
It's time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You'll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
There's trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
They think they've won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The pain of your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you'll swear you can still feel it itching.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
While it's true that you're a sharecropper's son, it's because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum--but you promised her you wouldn't...

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.