OT-Horrorscope

[tesco samoa]

For the week of feb 26th... Yea I know... But I had a run in with Wayne

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for $93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.