The Funniest Canadian Joke.

[Ragnarok]

Found a couple more, I'm done until later tonight. I find these rather funny but I doubt Fyron will.

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened.

He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

And...

starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up

[ January 24, 2003, 15:40: Message edited by: Ragnarok ]

[Wardad]

Do you know an arse from an elbow? Take the quiz.

http://www.assotron.com/arse-or-elbow/

[ January 24, 2003, 16:50: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[David E. Gervais]

Have any of you ever heard of the '**** List'? It can be kind of personal, but here it is, see how many on the list stir your memories..

1) The Lincoln Log (It's big and it floats!)
2) The Phantom **** (You felt it come out, you heard it splash, but when you look, it's nowhere to be seen!)
3) The Peek-a-boo **** (Every time you strain, it peeks out, but when you stop straining to breath it hides back in!)
4) The Brain-hemorage through your nose **** (..and it's not called blushing!)
5) The Super snake (also known as the spiral ****!)
6) The Memorable **** (So strange, big or unique that you need a witness!)
7) The Popcorn **** (you know plop, plop no fizz oh what a relief it is!)
8) The Niagra **** (aka the liquid ****!)
9) The Kodak **** (similar to the Memorable **** but you grab a camera because no-one is around!)
10) The Air **** (It's when you spend a half hour on the bowl farting!)
11) The Oxigen Deprivation **** (It stinks so much you have trouble breathing!)
12) The TNT **** (The one that litterly blows out of you in a matter of seconds, often associated with the 'liquid ****'!)
13) The Alien **** (Often recognized by it's strange yellow/green color! Are babies aliens?)
14) The Drain Blocker (The one you have to chop up in order to get it to flush!)

If you know of any missing '****' that should be on the list feel free to add to it!

I bet Fyron is Laughing so hard now that he's crying. Like I said this list can be very personal, RIght Fyron? LOL

[ January 24, 2003, 16:52: Message edited by: David Gervais ]

[kalthalior]

Not terribly PC, and with apologies to blondes out there ... the Seven Degrees of Blondes

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One
notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the
first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitols. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to
find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

[kalthalior]

Couldn't resist adding these little gems.

WARNING: You are about to enter into the bad pun zone. Enter at your own risk!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But
when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his
dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[David E. Gervais]

Can You Get Married in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

[jimbob]

Evidently this one is pretty popular with the Brits:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I have a strawberry suck up my bum!

Doctor: Oh, that's alright, I've got some cream for that.

Badum bum tcha!