Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Growltigger]

Captain to Ensign Power Man, take as long as you need, but ensure that you com in at 15 minute intervals so that we can ensure that you are still alive, and possibly still coherent.....

I will try and join you shortly but unfortunately, I still have a couple of ewes, I mean, strategy and readiness reports, to go......

Note, Mr S'Katchoo has reviewed Starfleet records on the colonists of Fart Point, do watch out, the original settlers were apparently the refuse and gutter sweepings from the most vicious prisons on Earth, people who could survive in any environment, were resourceful, evil and nasty minded oiks who had a tendency to brew alcoholic beverages out of their own bodily wastes......

Anyway, your captain must go, I am busy helping Miss Baaahhbara here with her starfleet revision (she calls it revision, I call it immorral and illegal)

Miss Flossy, engage the battery operated back scrubber, make it so

Baaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

[mac5732]

In the dark recesses under one of FartPoints huge mountains, in a subterrainion Fortress, protected against all forms of warfare, an illustrious, suave, sexy, slightly balding, older gentleman, sits in front of a huge console, surrounded by large montior screens. He presses a series of contacts, from far below, in number 12 converter room, massives switches drive home an enormous mass enhanced by methane gas, which in turn propells a small beam of energy that hurls outward toward the alien ship above the planet.
The beam is a pipe like hollow cylinder of intolerable energy which upon striking the ship, clings to the defensive screens and slowly bores a small entrance like hole, thru the screen and then by passes the metal and armor of the ship. The wizen old one chuckles to himself as his spy beam watchs the machinations of those on board the strange craft and the various creatures inhabiting this metal container. As the old one watches, a sexy female clone, who looks very similiar to an old earth celebrity from years past, brings him his breakfast of bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, rye toast and a brewski. "ah, thank you LH#3," he expostulates with a twinkle in his eye. Refreshment while I watch and see what these creatures from nowhere are up to, in the meantime, let Number2 know we have visitors and to put all defensive stations on alert.......

[Gwaihir]

In his unconscious state, Lt. Gwaihir (#%^$ it, I can't remember not to type the 'hir' bit, so *poof* my name is now Gwaihir) dreams of his tricorder . . . he hopes that no one picked up his field test model, he left it lying somewhere . . . Its not that it doesn't work, its just, well, the video games might be against regs, and someone might confuse them with a reading or something. And that self-defense electroshocker bit, well, its really hard to accidentally set it off, but, given his luck . . .
::have fun, guys::

[Power Man]

Power Man wakes up (comes to) early the next day.
"Oh what a headache! I guess I played - er Worked too hard Last night sampling all those ales."
He remembers tasting a wide range of ales, from pale golden weak ales that seem to be preferred in some of the New World "colony planets" to deep thick, almost chunky brews favored by the Old world United Kingdome planets. Some Lite ales seem to shine out while some ales were so heavy one needed a Porter to carry them into the house. Still others were so full body they were Stout!

Sometime in the wee hours the Away party-no that's Team, was shown to a small room containing several chairs and beds covered with freshly changed linens. Here they rested (Passed Out) from all their hard "work".
Power Man checks the rest of the team.
Taz is a large fur ball in one of the couches. From his loud snores it appears that it will be some time till he is heard from. He seems to be rather quiet lately. I think he is a bit in "shock and aw" over that Huge bar in the tasting room. He may have a case of "Bar equipment" envy.
Gryphin is a pillow of feathers on the bed. He too looks out-of-it for the time being.
The two red shirts are sprawled in the chairs. Their green faces are turning a nice Toon plaid mix of green and blue.
All of the covers and linens are dirty and will have to be replaced.

One thing drinking all that ale has given Power Man is an urgent Pressure to get Going !!
He leaves the "Re-cover Room" in search of the "Little Power men's room."

As he "seeks out a new place to Go" he thinks about having a nice breakfast of bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, rye toast and a brewski. His pounding headache and upset stomach argue against it.
"I think I will try some of that "Hair Of the Dog" ale for breakfast."

Meanwhile up on the ship.
The Designated Driver Device detects a slight pricking of the lower shields.

DANGER DANGER DANGER Intruder detected.

An android robot unfolds from the controls. This is the Automatic Action Android (Action Andy for short). Andy activates the battle scanners. In a voice that resembles Power Man's old friend Spork it makes its report.

"Captain the AAA has detected what appears to be a wizen old PEE tube extending from the planet and penetrating into the ship. Activating the "BOBBIT Maneuver""

From the ship two beams of intolerable energy slice into the offending PEE tube. Within seconds it pulls out of the ship and shrinks back down to the planet. However it is much shorter than before.

Action Andy makes one final report. "Captain the intruder has been rebuffed. Returning to normal mode." The AAA then folds back up and returns into the control board.

(There that aught to teach mac5732 to keep his PEE tube to himself and not "Stick it" where it is not wanted. Next time at least by us a Drink first!! )

Several "steely eyes" start taking a "Hard Look" at the planet below trying to find the source of the pesky PEE tube.

[ May 07, 2003, 21:23: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[mac5732]

The wise old one, watches as his tube is unprovokedly attacked and pushed back down into the over all mass containment area of #12. hmmmm, it appears someone found my little toy he mumbles to himself, however, he punches some more buttons in front of the consoles and sees that the spy tube registered a high 89% methane level inside various areas of the ship.....Now that would be useful he grumbles, it appears that methane is also used by these aliens from the strong emissions registering on the FartPoint Methane incandescent beam analyzer. Well we'll just have to tap that source and from what the analyzer shows, its almost 98% pure with a slight trace of what appears to be various types of alcohole in trace amounts.

The wizen oldster, munching on rye toast, moves his strong fingers over the keyBoards of his console and is soon followed by a redly impenetrable opacity which leaps spaceward towards the revolving space craft. Upon reaching its target an indescribable pall reachs into the ship with a writhing, coruscating beam of intense power. It soon envelops the various parts of the ship and begins the obduction of the methane found within and sending it down to the immense fortress and into the reaction chambers of a huge, gargantuan machine. Those workers around the metal contraption were estatic as they read the printouts on this unexpected source of 98% pure Methane. "Wow, this is the strongest stuff we've ever seen here on FartPoint", only beings with a trendous internal combustion system could be responsible for this experate of Methane". "The essance of wonderment of such magnitude of Methane must indeed be undescribable within the confines of those areas where the readings are taking place.."

[ May 08, 2003, 04:12: Message edited by: mac5732 ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog stardate 12.01 GMT

After, ahem, interviewing the dancing leather clad sheep in my ready room, I arranged for their permanent installation in cargo bay 1. I had noticed that the air was getting a big green in the cargo bay, but was amazed when all the methane appeared to be sucked out of the ship and down to a fortress buried under a mountain range on Fart Point.

Given that the Away Team has been silent for the Last few hours, and was a bit incoherent before that, I assume that our brave away team has succumbed to methane poisoning.

This evidence of hostile intentions, together with the laceration of the PEE tube sent up by the planet, leads me to believe that the natives of Fart Point are not friendly.

Given the absence of communication, I must assume that our away team are dead.

My course of action is clear, the Prime Directive (as amended and supplemented by the Growltigga Directive and the Hussein Codicil), requires me to revenge any unprovoked assault upon Galactic Federation starships.

Mr S'Katchoo, you are now acting weapons officer in the absence of our dearly departed Mr Power Man and for the strange silence of Mr Dogscoff.

Sound red alert, bring the ship to battle stations, raise shields, charge phaser banks, load and arm all photon torpedoes, rig the shuttles as ground assault craft, arm all marines with ground attack weaponry and make sure the "planet buster" bombs are ready for launch. Make it so.....

Miss Patsy, please signal the mayor of Fart Point that they are now at war with the Galactic Federation. advise him that he has 5 minutes to hand back my away team, and to deliver the perpetrator of the PEE assault and methane sucking
to our transporter room in chains and mildly beaten.. tell him that failure to comply will result in termination of the planet with extreme prejudice

No methane breathing stinky wizended shindle shanked old tosspot sucks the sheep out of my ship.....

[Power Man]

Power Man spends several minutes looking for the "little Power Men's room". He finally finds a door labeled "Water Closet" .
"Well if this rooms for water I have some "water" for it."
Power Man enters the WC. He sees a small tinkling fountain (just like the one in the old cantina) for washing hands. The walls have pictures of rushing streams. There are speakers playing the sound of a babbling brook…. STOP.. STOP.. If this keeps up I really will BURST!
He spots a series of holes along one wall. A sign above them reads "You Are Not in Pain any more".

As he is finding Relief Power Man notices that the hole does not appear to be attached to a normal pipe.
Instead it appears that his stream is falling in "Golden Arches" into a vast vat of bubbling liquid on the next floor down. The vat looks like one he saw from the tour. It must be a different one though.
"I mean I am all for being resourceful and recycling but if that's not a different vat, this is just Nasty."

Power Man finishes his "Number 1" and washes up at the fountain.
As he leaves the WC the Old Fart Mayor, Mr. Odiferous runs up to him.

Thank the "Great Fart", I found you. You MUST call your Captain RIGHT AWAY! We did not do it. We could not do it. Don't let him KILL US !!!

"What ? WHO ?? OK I'll call." At this moment Power Man realizes that some of the loud buzzing in his head is actually coming from his communicator. "OH OH I forgot, I had set this thing on vibrate and so I did not notice it till now."

Power Man to Captain Growltigger, sorry for the delay in reporting. We got really tired (Smashed) Last night after all of our hard working (Partying). The team is still resting (sleeping it off). We managed to sample 89.456% of the ales. Taz has made up a shopping list that could choke a sheep. I will try to get the team to report in as soon as they wake up (recover).

"Oh by the way, Is there something going on up there ? I am here with Mayor Odiferous. He seems rather concerned about your declaring a state of war with the Galactic Federation. He says that his PEE tube is Way too small to assault anyone. And while he admits he "Sucks" it is not methane.

He seems to be blaming a wise old retired Major who lives in a subterranean Fortress, protected against all forms of warfare under the nearby "Mount Fartmore". The Major use to command the famous F (Fart) Troop the "Fighting Pains in the Anus" Troop 90210. He now lives in his fortress surrounded by sexy female clones, who serve his every needs.
This wizen "Oldest Fart" may not mean us any harm. I suggest that you use the "olive branch of peace" rather than your "planet busters" to contact him. If he does not listen to reason you can always hit him over the head with the branch and Then use the planet busters."

Captain I will report back again after I get back to the team.

[ May 08, 2003, 17:24: Message edited by: Power Man ]