Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Erax]

So Chief Engineer Erax, I think the crew of the TSSS Phong's HEad have the right to know whether or not it is true that you and Kamog have been, ahem, having a few "intimate moments" together.....

No, Cap'n, my only love is this ship, I could never betray her (although that alien ship with the ion drives looks veeery tempting).

[ June 06, 2003, 14:59: Message edited by: Chief Engineer Erax ]

[Raging Deadstar]

*Luckily the 4 other probe droids had attached themselves to the ships hull and now one of them is destroyed another one comes Online. It sprouts 2 mechanical arms and begins to search the ship for an entrance. It finds one of the few holes left by the boarding party and after much hassle burns through the duc tape, it seems that kamog has neglected his duties for some reason! The probe droid quickly hooks himself up to the computer with some footage from the engineering department. It comes up on the main viewer on the bridge with some cheesy music you usually find in porn flicks and a big title comes up. Erax and Kamog... The Truth. The crew watch on in horror as two people who look like erax and kamog get intimate with each other and Jean Luc turns it off less than 1/4 way through in disgust. Is this an altered fake designed by deadstar intelligence to cause mutiny, or was it stolen from the ships cctv camera system.... an official investigation must be "mounted" *

[Power Man]

Power Man dodges the large number of asteroid size vegetables “lean left, Right, Left”.
With phasers set to “Chop and Dice” the massive orbs are cut into nice size chunks.
Two of the cold storage cargo bays are filled with the chopped On- er vegetables.
“This will keep Taz in tribble wing sauce for a Long Time.”

Captain: I have tracked the alien ship to a rough, frozen world in the Sigma Draconis star system. It must have landed because I cannot detect it any more.

Scanners are not picking up any signs of advanced civilization on the surface. The world seems to be a deep Ice Age.
I have detected some ruins on the surface.
We are now in orbit over the ruins. I can detect only limited life. (After all Mr S'Katchoo is the science officer. Not me.)

Captain: I seem to be getting a strange reading from something just outside of the ship. I will need to do a surface scan to determine what it might be.
Captain… Captain….? What are you looking at on the main screen?
OOOOh AAAAH EccccK!! What are erax and kamog doing to each other???

So that’s were kamog went.

[Kamog]

Kamog goes down to Engineering to see what kind of cleanup work is required... there's thousands of little alien-droid parts scattered all over the floor. Kamog picks up some of the bigger pieces to examine, but nothing looks salvageable. Oh, well.

OK, where's the vacuum cleaner? Kamog opens the door to the little storage closet in the Engineering area. The vacuum cleaner is covered with an inch of dust, spider webs and dead bugs. Also in the closet are fossilized banana peels, apple cores, a broken broom, a leaky bucket, and some mummified rats. When Kamog brings out the vacuum cleaner, the wheels fall off.

Giving up on the vacuum cleaner, Kamog picks up the broken broom and sweeps up all the droid bits from the floor.

After finishing the cleanup and putting the broom away, Kamog looks down the hall and sees the pretty space marines. "Wow, I didn't know we have Liv Tyler clones on board! Maybe I can get them to teach me space aikido!"

Kamog goes up to the Liv Tyler clones, and they are all watching the view screen. ...What? What's this on the screen? Some of the clones start looking at Kamog, then at the screen, and then back at Kamog again.

"Hey, that's not me! I don't think that's Commander Erax, either. We didn't do that, it's fake!" The Liv Tyler clones don't seem to believe him, and Kamog quickly leaves the area.

[Erax]

Kamog finds Erax and lets him know what is going on. The two of them try to analyze the tapes to prove it's a forgery, but their skills are inadequate. Erax takes a turbolift to the bridge and tries to avoid everyone's gaze as he walks up to the Captain's chair.

"Cap'n, that tape we just saw is a fake ! Unfortunately, only Mr. S'Katchoo has the skills to analyze it and prove our, er, innocence in this matter. We must find his brain and get it back, Kamog's reputation and mine depend on it !"

In a lower voice he says,

"... And yours too. If Starfleet hears of this they might wonder what kind of Captain allows this sort of, um, fraternizing among his officers."

[Growltigger]

Oh lord, you are right Kamog and Erax, no Galactic Federation Starship has ever had a couple of felching officers on it!

Mr Power Man, find us that brain knicking female immediately.

[Power Man]

Captain : I have detected power readings from deep in the planet. I cannot get a good enough reading to beam a team directly there. I can put a team down on the surface in the center of the ruins. I suggest you put an away team together and see if you find away in from there.
You had best bundle up Sir. It is COLD down there.