(OT) Some advice for me / My Depression Thread / Thanks forumers

[Alpha Kodiak]

Taera, I know what you are going through. When I was your age, I had a miserable time with relationships of all sorts, and especially with girls. Looking back, there are a couple of things that might have helped me, and a few things that I did do to help myself, that might be helpful to you.

First and foremost, realize that you are not the only person in your school who feels the way you do. There are others who also feel helpless when it comes to relationships. One thing that helped me, even though I wasn't very good at it, was to seek out others with similar interests and similar problems. For me, there were two places that got me going. One was the chess club and chess team at my high school. Not that I got along perfectly with everyone, but it was worth the effort and I was able to make good friends with similar interests to mine. The second place was church, as again, I was able to find people with similar interests to mine.

While the places to find people with similar interests may be different for you, the point is to seek them out and become involved. Take advantage of opportunities at school. You are correct that you shouldn't sit around and play computer games all the time. You need to get out and do things with other people, even though it takes a lot of work at first.

Now to the more difficult topic, girls.... (and especially the one you are interested in.) I just got a little advice from my wife (yes, even the most awkward of us can eventually find the right girl) about this. The most important thing is to not try and force the issue. I drove off a couple of girls I really liked when I was in high school and college by trying to impress them into liking me. According to my wife, the best thing is to be really interested in her (as a person, not as a girl, if that makes sense) and what she is interested in. If you really like her as a person, she will sense that, and like you back. Whether things ever progress beyond that is not for me to say from this distance, but a strong friendship is necessary for the relationship to ever progress further.

If there really seems to be a friendship developing, then try asking her out to a very non-threatening thing, perhaps an event at school. If she says no, do not push the issue and your friendship should stay intact. Just keep building your friendship when you have the opportunity. Do not make the mistake I made and push the issue by telling her how attracted you are to her until the relationship is much further developed. Finally, if the relationship does not develop the way you want it to, it is not the end of the world (though it may seem like it). You are still very young, and there are a lot of girls out there. I met the girl I eventually married when I was 21, and did not convince her to marry me until I was 27. It took that long to build our relationship, but it was worth every day. I am truly fortunate that I did not get one of the girls I pursued before, as I now realize that they were nowhere near the match for me that my wife is.

One thing that I regret is that I did not talk with my dad much about what I was going through in those years. Later, I discovered that he had had many of the same experiences that I had, and could have given me good advice, had I been willing to talk with him. I would recommend talking with your parents. Chances are they have some pretty good ideas of what you are going through. (I did talk some with my mother, whom I was closer to at that time. It was very helpful to get a female's perspective when dealing with girls. The most important thing I learned was that they are just as insecure as the guys are. )

[Chauron]

Dogscoff: 11th grad is usually around age 17...

Taera: I'm in about the same position, have been all my life actually. I'm 17, just getting out of 11th myself.
I had a hard time with friends, most of the time I felt like an outcast around other ppl. I was also an only child for the first 10 years of my life. (the 10 greatest years of my life lol) So I learned how to get along fine by myself. I stopped caring about what other ppl thought of me and I stopped trying to fit in.
It took a while but I eventually found some friends, not many mind you but I did find a few. Just be yourself, like Dogscoff said, look for other comp nuts like us in your school or neighborhood. Trust me they are everywhere

Looking for new hobbies might help. The other guys said something about community service, like a homeless shelter or something. See if your school has a Key Club.
Key Club is the largest high school orginization in the World. The Carolinas district alone (North and Souther Carolina) has 30 something divisions and 4 or 5 clubs in each one. See if you can get into one...
Church is another good place to meet ppl. I met my current girlfriend at my church. However she lives 1000 miles away from me... I'm still trying to figure that one out myself

About this girl... Try talking to her about your situation. If she is a friend worth having she will try and help. Don't be pushy though..
If you need to talk, you know my email...
And remember you've always got us in Legacies

EDIT: Ack! two ppl posted while I was writing...

[ May 21, 2003, 16:59: Message edited by: Chauron ]

[Geckomlis]

On Dating
My test scenario:
I would picture myself sitting across from her at the breakfast table, in the morning, on a weekend – 30 years from then. Not at our best grooming-wise, getting older and with no particular plans for the day. Do we still enjoy each other’s company, each other’s conversation? Do we still make the other one laugh? Probably too much strategic/long term thinking for most people, but it worked for me – the girl I married has grown into a wonderful woman and my best friend. Mentally, I had put the relationship into a healthy context from day one.

On Friendship
Get involved in activities you are truly interested in. Other people will respond positively to you socially when you are visibly engaged and enthusiastic.

[dogscoff]

Something else I just thought of, and it might not make a difference to you but there's a chance you'll find it helpful:

One way of building social/ self confidence is through physical contact. I'm not suggesting you go round hugging everyone but certain sports and activities can do wonders for your interaction with others.

Contact sports like judo/ karate/ rugby would be good but they aren't suitable for everyone so if you don't fancy that, consider a first aid course or dancing lessons. In these situations you have to be close to people in a neutral, instructive setting which really builds your confidence. There is no embarrassment involved because everyone understands that the contact is simply required.

Just another idea

[Ruatha]

Originally posted by dogscoff:
consider a first aid course or dancing lessons. In these situations you have to be close to people in a neutral, instructive setting which really builds your confidence. There is no embarrassment involved because everyone understands that the contact is simply required.

Great idea!

And even if you are embarrased, so what? It won't kill you. (You won't sink through the floor, your heart won't stop, everyone won't laugh at you. It just feels that way)
And dancing is really fun! Try rockn-roll dancing or jitterbug, that's hilarious.
Tip!And everyone is so exhausted that they are red in the face anyway so blushing don't show!

BTW: Edited my previous post, so if you've read it, re-read it!

[ May 21, 2003, 18:16: Message edited by: Ruatha ]

[Narrew]

Taera,

These are great replies. Many of us are older so can talk from years of experience. I am 40 and I STILL make mistakes (social ect...), but I know that it is the way things are and that things will be ok.

My High School years were the lowest in my life, I didn't have alot of friends either, I was more nerdy I guess. I remember asking a girl to a dance, and she started crying, I found out years later she didnt know how to say no, though it messed me up then, when I got older I wondered why she just couldn't say "No, thanks". So remember this, everyone your age is learning social skills, some will be better than others. In school we are told that not making mistakes is good (ie get good grades), but in "real life" mistakes are the only way we better ourselves (well as long as we learn from them ).

As Rutha said, if you like computers, perhaps you can go take some classes at a community college (we have fast start or some such that allows HS students to take college class's). Heck, don't limit it to computer courses. The dancing idea is a great one, you will get over being shy when you dance with older women taking courses. My Last idea would be perhaps look into something that you would never think of (or not see yourself ever doing). If you like reading books, join a book group that covers a complety different topic from what you enjoy...

Good luck friend

[Taera]

thanks a lot to you friends, there is some great advice there and just cheering up

it is very interesting, my mood goes way down every evening to the point of complete amotivation but goes back up to normal. then comes evening.

Ah well, its not evening yet.

I have posted here because i know some of you are of averagely my mindset and might have been through the same things i have right now. i see i was right, and im glad. i dont usually share such information but this time i've no regrets.

just a notice, my situation is much worsened by the fact that this is a still new country to me, radically different from anywhere i lived before.
while i got the grip on the language my spoken part still remains low.

I guess i am lucky i got the right mind, i completely stopped all my fit-in attempts back in grade 5. from a source that isnt relevant i read "if you want others to like you you need to like yourself first. accept yourself as you are because its the only one you can be. only then you can change yourself". been amongst my guidelines since then.

thanks again. i've been doing some things right, some not. there is too much good advice to comment on each. thanks.