Randomosity I - Started!

[The_Tauren13]

Scene I: An army of peasants wants to enlist in the Abysian army.

Peasant: We will fight for our god!
Warlord: Your God? You know if the Abysians win this war we will enslave all humans...
Peasant: Yes, but you pay well, and since our morale is so low, chances are we will run before we have to actually fight. So really, it’s a good deal. For us.
Warlord: Why would we pay you anything? You're useless!
Peasant: Well, you won't actually pay us. We'll just show up and take your money when we want it.
Warlord: Oh yeah? (raises mace)
Peasant: Oh and by the way, you can't kill your own troops. (the Warlord’s mace mysteriously fails to harm the peasant)
Warlord: What? Nobody said you were on our side? In fact, I said you weren't.
Peasant: Yeah, but we need the money. Think of it as welfare.
Warlord: There is no welfare in Abysia, you fool. We don't support, we oppress!
Peasant: Right. Call us if you need us. Not that you ever will.
Warlord: (looks around) There's got to be an enemy province around. Somewhere to get you guys killed.
Peasant: (laughs) Haha, see! That's our plan. You can give me my half of a gold coin for this month now, I need a drink.


Scene II: The Warlord tries to explain to his God what happened.

Vampire Queen: Let me get this straight. You hired a band of militia? On whose orders?
Warlord: Their orders, my Queen.
Vampire Queen: What? I fail to comprehend. Who is 'their'?
Warlord: The peasants themselves, my Queen.
Vampire Queen: You're taking orders from humans? I have no use for you. (begins to drain the Warlord's life)
Warlord: Wait! No! You can't kill your own troops!
Vampire Queen: Yes, but you aren't exactly real. I haven't actually recruited any Warlords. You're just a plot device. A now unneeded plot device, to be exact. Goodbye.
Warlord: No! (the Warlord falls to the floor dead)
Vampire Queen: (turns to another not really real Warlord) Find a way to get those peasants killed!
New Warlord: Yes, my Queen.


Scene III: The Warlord leads the greedy peasant army to the C'tis border.

Peasant: You're not going to start a war just to get us killed, are you? That would be stupid!
Warlord: Just following orders. Come along now.
Peasant: Wait. Because you haven't actually been recruited, we don't have to follow you. You don't have enough leadership!
Warlord: Fine. (goes to the capitol, gets officially recruited, comes back) Ok peasants, time to die.
Peasant: Oh no! He has 50 leadership!


Scene IV: The peasants attack a C'tis province in which there is only 1 PD.

C'tis Commander: What, why are you attacking? We have a border agreement! Treachery! Villains!
Warlord: Hey, calm down. We just need you to kill these peasants for us.
Peasant: Oops, we just failed a bunch of morale checks. Run away!
Warlord: Damnit. Chase after them! Kill them!
C'tis Commander: Hey, you can't order my troops around! Troops, hold your ground!
Warlord: Damnit again. Guess we have to keep paying them.


Scene V: Sadly, the Abysian Empire's finances were not sufficient to finish the production. There is no Scene V.