Invisible Swarm III: over

[PashaDawg]

Dear Alneyan:

The Majesty of the Law is without peers, but the Law is a jealous mistress.

The proper venue for your case would be in the United States because of the location of this bulletin board. Therefore, you must deal with the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which protects Jurri's right to free speech. Given that your posts on the bulletin board exceed 2666 in number, I figure that there is a high chance that any court would rule that you are a “public figure,” and therefore, people can get away with saying things about you more easily because you have placed yourself in the spotlight of public scrutiny and your life is now a matter of common public inquiry and perhaps even newsworthy.

In addition, Jurri will probably assert the defense of "truth", because only false statements can be defamatory. Is it possible that Jurri will produce witnesses of your "shankness" whose veracity will be difficult to refute?

In terms of your other claims for manslaughter, felony, et al., you do not have standing to bring such claims to the Court, because they are criminal matters and must be prosecuted by the State. Nonetheless, I will review the law concerning any associated private remedies that you might hold at your disposal (e.g., assault, battery, false imprisonment, etc.)

In terms of my fee, I will need a retainer of 7000 euro before I can begin work, and I shall charge 150 euro per hour for my time. I have certainly taken many cases pro bono, but unfortunately your case is not of the type of cases I routinely take without sufficient remuneration.

Thank you, Alneyan, for considering my office for your legal needs. Once I receive the retainer, I will have my assistant schedule another interview.

Sincerely,

Pasha

[Alneyan]

On second thoughts, I think I will pursue more mundane means, seeing just how expensive your fees are. We do not give our dear President that much money, so why should you get a prince's ransom? Tsk, tsk.

Nonetheless, we thank you for your answer, and promise not to harm you bodily... not too much, at any rate. Public figures have been known to be annoyed by the masses, time and again, and have resolved to using devices including, but not limited to: mobile phones, golf clubs, and two-handed swords.

On another note of interest, we will try to make his slander a case of violating national security: not only is Jurri's libel is defamatory, but his words are a direct threat to the establishment, for calling someone a skank is an invitation to be dated, stalked, or otherwise assaulted. Seeing how I am part of the local entity made by those boards, any threat to my safety is most naturally a matter of concern for the greater body of government.

As stated above however, we will handle this case on our own, relying on our own associates. If we are thwarted in court, other means shall be used as deemed appropriate... or we will simply sue Jurri time and again, under every single jurisdiction in the whole world and beyond, until being involved in seventeen trials (all happening at the same moment, of course) brings his peaceful demise.

Attached to this document is a sample of our Blackmail directory, under the Pasha heading: one such attachment will come with every single letter we forward to your office, though we may forward such data to other parties at our own discretion.

[Jurri]

Oh! I do believe that the ecclesiastical court takes precedence in matters involving supernatural beings. And since I'm a creature of the R'lyeh Pantheon, it's only natural that the trial be held in the main Temple located in the Sunken City. So, prepare your scuba-gear and be welcome! Of course, since it's wartime you may have to wait a couple eons before I have the time to process you, er, your claims (being, naturally, the Judge Supreme in my own court), but once I ascend I'm sure omnipresence will allow for a swift execution. Execution of the trial, of course, I mean.

I do expect you to file the libel in a swift manner, though! I'm sure it will provide great entertainment for a war-torn nation.

[Alneyan]

You are going way too quickly, dear Jurri: your status as a supernatural being does not put you out of the range of civil courts. Pasha has already pointed out we are under the jurisdiction of the United States here: as the state is secular, civil courts are certainly able to judge individuals holding rank in various religions, R'lyeh included.

In addition, the actions of R'lyeh are currently being a concern for humankind and all nations: as such, I believe your case would fall before the international court, on grounds of war crimes, deliberate attempts to wipe out humankind, and genocides. Of course, your priestly status does not grant you legal immunity in international jurisdiction either: your own supernatural authorities will try you as they deem it fit.

Enough talking: your trial is scheduled to start at 0800, local time, somewhere in Nebraska: I don't think they take too kindly to your otherwordly kind there. Of course, location of the trial may be altered if I find a more suitable location for the trial.

[Jurri]

Ah, while secular courts surely try priests and others religiously involved, there is no precedence of a god being tried anywhere, methinks. Also, you being a skank has since become a tenet of faith in the religion of the peaceloving and gentle squid-people: Thus it is only via an appeal to the ecclesiastical (<-love the word! ) court that the creed can be changed.

Nothing stops your puny human court from holding its charade with me in absentia, but I'm pretty confident there are no international agreements between R'lyeh and Nebraska that would grant their rulings any merit hereabouts.

It should also be mentioned that the only war crimes here are Abysia's unwarranted attack without warning upon the grand nation of R'lyeh, despite oaths and treaties proclaiming otherwise. Never, ever, trust the malicious Aku, if you value your citizens, it seems. And of course Ulm's pouncing on a war-weakened nation is utterly without honor and condemnable by all! R'lyeh's dominion is in fact the most benevolent in the entire multiverse, promoting orderly growth and wonders for all our human cattl... friends.

[Cainehill]

Jurri said:
Ah, while secular courts surely try priests and others religiously involved, there is no precedence of a god being tried anywhere, methinks.

Untrue. There was at least one episode of Ally McBeal in which a child launched a lawsuit against God, leading the church to get involved and attempt to alleviate some circumstances which were causing the lawsuit.

[Alneyan]

Jurri: have you filled the "Becoming a God/Goddess/Pretender thingy" forms in triplicate? Of course you didn't! Do you have the relevant papers, including unrefutable proof of seven miracles performed by yourself? I don't think you have that either.

Consequently, you will be denied the status of God/Goddess/Pretender thingy from the time being, until you can regularise your situation. Until then, we will work on suing you back to Betelgeuse. Oh, and you should also wipe out the position *before* claiming to be a God/Goddess/Pretender thingy: until further notice, Pretenders are a dime the dozen, so you are nothing to write home about, really... especially as home is so far away.