OT: Somebody's critique of my story

[Hunpecked]

Starhawk writes:

[re: "Starship Troopers"] "AND I HATED CARMEN GAWD I wanted her to be the one to die not Diz..."

Carmen was a bit over the top, but I did like two things about her...

[Hunpecked]

Starhawk writes:

"5. Well to be honest with you Hunpecked I'm not all that experienced with romance as I've only asked two girls out since I reached dating age..."

Not to worry. I dated 3 GF and married the 4th; I figure in another 100 years or so I might have an iota of an inkling of an understanding of romance.

And when personal experience is lacking, there's plenty of second-hand information out there, if you keep your eyes open. Fantasy romance, as portrayed in movies, TV, and romance novels, is readily available. But more realistic or "scientific" information can be found in newspapers, news magazines, and Web articles. Some random examples and observations (though I can't vouch for their accuracy):

People tend to choose spouses whose "overall social value" (a composite of beauty, wealth, intelligence, personality, age, etc.) is roughly equal to their own. Serious mismatches (e.g. Hunpecked and Catherine Zeta-Jones) are rare and pretty much doomed.

In "good" marriages (as judged by trained observers), spouses exchange X number of little affections per day (gift, phone call, caress, slipper fetch, even a glance); in "poor" marriages spouses exchange Y affections, where Y is much smaller than X.

In "good" marriages the husband accedes to the wife's wishes more often than vice-versa. BTW, Mrs. Hunpecked's pet name is "Yes Dear".

Peacocks have outrageously long and gaudy tail feathers because for ages peahens have preferentially mated with long-tailed males. Human females have (proportionately) the largest bosom among primates because men bred them that way. Human males are aggressive scum-sucking pigs because for some unknown reason females bred them that way.

The song "B###h" by Meredith Brooks is in my experience an amazingly concise yet accurate description of female behavior.

Hope this helps.

*** Change of Subject ***

I think tesco samoa has a good point. On the internet it generally costs nothing to be polite even in the face of perceived rudeness. Though the Unknown Critic makes few valid points, I think his/her comments have a certain minuscule value. If nothing else, they stimulated some self-analysis that might not otherwise have occurred.

BTW, it's also polite to ask permission before posting another's E-mail; I hope that was the case here.

[Starhawk]

Hehe well Hunpecked that is actually really helpful thanks I mean the only "personal" references to "romance" that I've been able to observe for long periods, in my personal life are guys my age that date 10-12 girls a year because they just want to get laid as fast and often as possible and don't give a damn about the girls they are with and when those girls figure it out they ditch the jerk.
So I didn't want to use that as a reference point obviously, the other true romances I've seen are usually only brief because unlike the above people they don't tend to brag or spout everything and everyone they've been doing that year.

And I actually did mix a wee bit of holywood in to the "romance" which I guess is what helped make it a little cheesy huh? Aw well live and learn and improve as I go.


As far as Tesco goes, I'm sorry I was rude and it was probobly unintentional of you to come across as rude.

Regarding the self analysis, I suppose you are right his hurting my feelings that severely did certainly cause me to analyse my story in a way I had never done before though for the most part it just made me really afraid my writing really did suck.


AT: Thanks that's actually quite helpful and uplifting I tend to be very judgemental about everything I do when it comes to writing or stoytelling.....oddly enough I can lead a class of people in difficult things yet when it comes down to writing what should be a simple thing I tend to analyse and look at it so much I freak out a little heh

[Puke]

4. Your characters contradict your Empire, they are all relatively good people yet they are at the same time bloodthirsty conquerers? Figure out which way you want to go and go there don't keep pulling it around like that either make them "Bloodthirsty conquerers' or make them "good guys" don't have it both ways.

i think this one cuts to the heart of things. there are no 'bad guys' in the world. people do things that they think will benefit them, either directly or indirectly. and they all think they are right. good people do bad things. bad people do good things. in reality, there is no good and bad.

some people cant understand this, and just want a clean cut 'good vs bad' story. i wouldnt pay any attention to them, if i were you.

I dont know about his other comments, since i have not read the whole story. but i think number 4 above disqualifies him from being anyone i would consider able to write inteligent criticism of complex ideas.

[Starhawk]

Good point Puke, I mean almost no one is pure good or pure evil they do what they feel is necessary either to benefit themselves or preserve their people from what they see as the "bad guys". There are of course evil bastards among the Icarans but for the most part they aren't that much different then modern day people in that they are a mix of good qualities and bad.

[tesco samoa]

You might not like his points.... But remember this he is reading your stories. And taking the time to actually write you in the attempt to help you. Perhaps you should take these points and ask someone else who has not read your story to read it and see if they notice these things. Do something constructive with it instead of what your doing now.

[Starhawk]

Or better yet get the oppinions of people who HAVE read my story and see if they can find these problems in my story....like I did and yah know what it worked fine so far and most of his "problems" these folks have even stated are just nitpicks.

As far as his legitimate points go well then the kind folks here pointed those out as well except they also gave advice on how to fix it not just belching out insulting rhetoric.

There is a difference in pointing out errors and solutions with those errors and just pointing out pet peeves.