Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Growltigger]

A sudden hush echoes around the temprary cantina, the ground starts to shake, the air seems to crackle with electrical discharges.

An incandescent ball of light appears on the ceiling of the temporary cantina, lightning arcs out of the ball and earths on the cantina fittings, and on one particular helpless occassion, Taz's head...

Amid the caterwauling from the singed Tasmanian devil, the ball of fire suddenly expands like a nova, suddenly, a British red BT phone box drops out of the fire onto the cantina floor.

The ball of fire disappears, and the cantina is quiet save for the occassional crackle of electricity dissapating...

The BT phone box door opens.... an ethereal gospel choir kicks in with a ramped up Version of Mark Morrison's "Return of the Mack", except that in this Version, they appear to be singing "Return of the Cat"....

Growltigga, clad all in leather, steps out of the phone box. Two FBW's, clad in chain mail accessories and wearing about as much material as would cover a small saucepan lid, roll out a red carpet.

GT strides purposefully down the red carpet, which ends at the bar. The still smouldering Taz serves up his favourite "Spitfire" beer.

The great kat takes a healthy slug, looks around the temporary cantina, and sees that things are good.

The cat is back

[dogscoff]

Well, now that we are fully crewed, I suggest we take this Cantina for a spin. Someone cleverly outfitted it with engines, remember? I'm sure that mad stellar manipulation ship I sent out has created some "interesting" things for us to explore by now.

*dogscoff pushes a button, and treknical-looking consoles appear out of every table. Repetitive, quasi futuristic bleeps and pings sound through the room, and a huge viewscreen slides out to cover the wall opposite the bar.

Taz, standing behind the bar, dons a purple Whoopee Goldberg outfit complete with big purple hat, a FBW sticks a gherkin in her ear and sits down to look like Uhuru while everyone else stands/ sits Trek-like at their Posts looking intensely toward the view screen, which displays the newly-formed universe outside.

'scoff takes the "number 1" seat at a table next to 'Tig, who sits in the command chair, crossing his legs and looking pensive/ dramatic. A red-shirt ensign walks in and hands Captain 'Tig a pad to sign and a fresh pint, then collects some empty glasses before leaving the bridge.

"Right" says 'Tig "who fancies a bit of boldly going?" Everyone nods their approval.
"Very well: Engage!"

The Cantina streaks off into the proto-universe, who knows what adventures lie ahead?

[ April 29, 2003, 12:01: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by dogscoff:
And who is going to actually fly this thing, given that most of us are drunk most of the time anyway?

Space is big. As long as we keep it under warp 2 and fly in a straight line it will be years before we bump into anything. Set the auto-pilot and party in ten forward!

Geo

[Growltigger]

Parties in ten forward is for wimps... see you all in the holodeck where I am currently hosting a mythological party, I am Ares (hell, I will do anything to dresss up in leather and studs), bring your own hammer...

and someone hide the keys to the shuttledeck. The Last time we did one of these, I recall Taz took one for a joyride, discovered time travel via a slingshot round a gas giant and ended up crashing into Siberia some years ago (just before we beamed him out)....

So now we have the FBWs being sexily clad Trekkie ensigns, does this means Rags, RD and Power Man are the red shirted ensigns who always meet sticky ends early on in each episode, I mean drinking session!!

Mr Scoffo, engage

PS he, I have just worked out a great game whereby with the help of our science office (whoever he may be) and our Chief O'Brien analogue (whoever they may be) we can use the transporter to beam the clothes off the FBW off our choice....

PPS does anyone have a problem if I appoint poor old Barry as our security officer?

[ April 29, 2003, 13:54: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[dogscoff]

PPS does anyone have a problem if I appoint poor old Barry as our security officer?

I think Barry died in the Last Cantina. However...

*Dogscoff goes over to David Gervais' mini-cantina model, which happened to be one of Barry's favourite chew-toys. Extracting some dino-saliva, 'scoff immediately has the sample sent down to the cloning lab.

We'll have a T-Rex security officer for you in no time, Cap'n.

[geoschmo]

Oooo, can I be the crusty old Dr McCoy person? That way I can go around saying stuff like, "Damnit Tig, I'm a doctor, not a dinosaur cloning technician."

Geo

[Growltigger]

Cor, an effective and efficient first officer, just what I always wanted.....

Right, so we have me as Jean Luc Le Grand Chat (or Captain Slog)

Scoffo is Mr Scoffo to you, first officer extraordinaire and in no way to be compared to that daft fuzzy faced pillock Ryker who always stand like he is clenching an apple between his buttocks

Geo is Dr Geoschmo, a grumbling old miserable shindle shanked old tosspot who lives down in the sickbay and drinks Jack Daniels (I loved that line geo)

Taz is Whoopi Goldberg, with funny mediaval princess style conical hat on top of his furry head

we need a lot of other people......

Now, we need to get Lieutenant Uhuru (or, given her levels of alcohol consumption, Lieutenant U-hurrrrrrrrrghhuuuuurrrrrrrr-u) to contact Starfleet Command to find out what our orders are...

surely we are on some important galactic mission, surely our raison d'etre for galactic travel cannot be just to fly around, avoiding hitting things, drinking, partying and trying not to throw up on the main viewscreen...

Hey, anyone fancy trying to trap Rag's head in the sliding doors? anyone fancy a turbolift race down to the holodeck via ten forward and the massage parlour?

PS Captain Slog, stardate 14.09.29.04.2003 - note to first officer, any member of the crew pronouncing "Lieutenant" as "Lootenant" rather than the correct "Lefftenant" is to be severely beaten around the head with an oversized tricorder......

Ooohhh, I cannot wait to meet the Klingons

[ April 29, 2003, 14:12: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[Erax]

Captain, does this place have a Chief Engineer yet ?

I don't come around here a lot, I'm always down in Engineering (wherever that is) fixing the stuff someone broke. Which given current patronage, should be plenty.

But no Delco air filters on my face, please.

[Growltigger]

Erax, we dont have a chief engineer but I think that if you want that role, you need to be Scottish, or at least speak Portugeuse with a Scottish accent....

[Erax]

Won't your basic "Aye, Aye, Cap'n, but the engine's about had it" do ?

A Scot speaking Portuguese ? The only time I ever heard that he was saying something like "Nós perderr parra Costa Rrica. Que verrrgonia."

("We lost to Costa Rica. How shameful.")