Forum Chat Bar & Grill

[Renegade 13]

Panting heavily, Renegade leaps out from the inner sanctum, slamming the door as fast as possible behind him. The shuddering slowly ceased as his heartrate began to return to normal. Returning to the dark, cobweb ridden corner of the cantina from whence he came, Renegade prys one of the floorboards up, descending below the floor to the utter darkness below...

[Growltigger]

As an initial point El Phil, I believe the "standing on hnd legs and staring into space" maneuvre is actually carried out by meerkats, and not mongoose. They are famous for being viscious little buggers who savage poisonous snakes for a laugh!!

The poor little emasculate mongoose runs free. Fear not thinks Growltigga, we have the technology to rebuild him. The little chap is taken into the kitchen, and plugged into a mysterious looking device that has "Acne Rodent Rebuilder and Cybernetic Enhancer" written on the side.

The machine hums, a few funny smells comes out of it, and out pops the mongoose, now equipped with knackers the size of bowling balls, armoured to the teeth, clutching a serrate sword and eager to join the armoured legions of Byzantine Killer Mongoose ready to wage war on all enemies of the cantina (and including those who dont pay their tabs!). The fearsome legion of mighty knacker nibblers has a new member, eager to chomp his steely fangs on El Phil's member for that matter!

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

The gherkins attack the killer mongeese. The gherkins and freshly-bestowed-with-sentience pig feet manage to drive the mongeese back to a defensive perimeter around El_Phil, until the Byzantine Armored Mongeese come charging out of the kitchen.

Clad in heavy armor, the gherkin legion's weapons are powerless against them, and slices of cucumber fly around theCantina like shrapnel after an anti-personnel artillery shell impact.

The smile disappeared from Puke's face (ok, front end then) faster than money disappears into the pocket of a politician. Enraged, he orders a retreat, and prepares to convert his gherkin legions into the Ottoman Armored Gherkins like his forefather (is that the correct term for a previous pile of regurgitated sentience?) commanded and used to conquer Byzantium.

[El_Phil]

Bugger! Byzantine Armoured Mongeese. I need a plan EL Phil thinks desperatly. And my killer goose-mogoose hybrid is something a failure. Of course!

Rushing to the nearest mad science/evil biology lab El Phil splices together meerkats and geeses to produce the Geeskat! Training them in the ancient art of chariot riding he produces the Assyrian Armoured Geeskat charioters! Each carrying a longbow with armour piercing arrows the GeesKat charge into the Cantina to face the Byztantine Hordes!

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

The Byzantine Armored Mongeese are on your side IIRC, El Phil. The Gherkin Legions were Puke's, and they are now retrofitting to Ottoman Armored Gherkins. You are in control of the Byzantine Mongeese IIRC, if GT (who created them) agrees to that.

[Growltigger]

Oy, El Phil and Strategia, keep your mucky paws off my Legions of Armoured Byzantine Killer Mongoose, they are my army for when I need to defeat the evil hordes of sea beasties conjured up by that smelly reprobate Dogscoff, and when they go to battle, Growltigga the Great leads them to the field for the punch up.

El Phil, given that my Armoured Byzantine Killer Mongoose legions have destroyed Puke's gherkin ensemble for you, I think you need to create your own spurious army for your up and coming brawl with the Ottoman Gherkin legion....

PS can I reccomend that you go for a naval battle. I can flood the cantina if you wish. If you then create an army based on the ‘Holy League’ forces from Spain, Venice, Genoa, and the Papal States which defeated the Ottomans in the sea battle of Lepanto on 7 October 1571, you have a damn fine chance!

Anyway, my Armoured Legions of Byzantine Killer Mongoose are based on the Byzantine thematic armies of circa 1000 AD which beat the blue buggery out of them smelly thieving camel molesting Turkish swine. We are far more able to whup their hairy bottoms than the later Byzantine armies of 1071 (Battle of Manzikert) and 1453 (Fall of Constantinople).. especially with our new addition to the army - armour plated Greek fire cannon and ballista mounted battle wagons manned by the most fearsome rabid be-fanged pyschotic homocidal vicious badgers the world has ever seem - even Growltigga is scared of them!!

El Phil, Puke, the floor is yours, let's have a punch up

[El_Phil]

Damn it I already have my spurious legions, the mighty:

Assyrian Armoured Geeskat

Truly the finest blend of geese and meerkats they are a force to be feared. Equippied with the finest in BC chariots and longbows with armour piercing arrows they should hold there own. For basing I have nicked the Assyrian Charioteers who almost conquered Eygpt and combined them with the English Longbow Yeoman would beat the French (Which is more impressive than it sounds, this was back when the French could fight)

[Puke]

floor is mine? how in the name of bleeding fornication am i supposed to armor a miniature pickle? im lucky enough there were swizzlesticks about to equip them with in the first place!

*Puke scribbles down a note on a bar napkin, and whistles for one of his surviving pigs-foot mounted gherkin cavalry. Impaling the note onto the gherkin's swizzlestick, puke slaps the pigs-foot on its... foot... and sends it running out the door.

*Several minutes later, a crate full of Jalapenos en Escabeche from a nearby Mexican eatery arive by courier. The gherkins, whom have just finished stitching their dead and dismembered back together, fall upon the Escabechefied Jalepenos with savage furosity, flaying them alive and ripping out their litte vegitative guts. The hides of the Jalapenos are fashioned into armored coats for the gherkins and their pickled mounts, so that anyone tempted to take a chomp at one might be in for a burning supprise*

Well, that should at least stall the enemy until I can get a more potent special delivery from the great Tesco. How to fashion this bunch of brine soaked veggies into Janissaries, im not quite sure. But while the GeesKat are reading them selves to be butchered by the Cataphractoid Mongeeses, I can send these reconstituted gherkins out to flank Stratigan in the event that he should attempt any further usurpious narativery upon them.

Until then, I'll be hideing from the spelling and grammar police.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Strategia pulls up a chair and sits down to enjoy the coming spectacle. Noticing some gherkins approaching him, he teel them "Go tell Puke that I'm not interested in joining this fight - yet. I'll let him and Phil sort things out for themselves first before they're both commanding exhausted legions and I can come and claim victory. The gherkins return to Puke with this message, who then eyes Strategia menacingly, who stares gleefully back at him.

[El_Phil]

Right that does it!

Phil orders his legions of Meerese, the sad byproducts of Meerkat/Geese breeding, to attack Strategia.

Whilst not as good as Geeskats they will easily defeat a man who has no army of genetically modified/defiled beasts who will fight and die at his command!

Yes the Meerese, with their specially sharpened pointy sticks coated in a poison brewed from Polar Bear liver and Puffer fish, will easily finish of Straegia!