Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Growltigger]

oh hell she is up again biff baff boff crash bang whallop take that you evil scaly skinned varmint hack slash gouge crush bash biff bong ecky ecky ecky ftang bish bosh jobs a good 'un twok pow baff crunch OUCH crush slam punch biff baff boff...

Oh no, now Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat is down on the mat on a count!

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff decides to stop chatting up the eye candy and intervene:

stomp stomp kick punch shriek stomp smash "have you ever had a glasgow kiss missy?" nut kick stomp kick pif paf poof grab throw thunk yargh pound squish squish squish wiggle squish kick slap stomp.

His limited reserves of onomatopeia exhausted, dogscoff goes back to the corner to let 'tig finish the job.

[Power Man]

Beginning Phase Two

"This is Power Man to all Red shirts: All Red shirts are to report to Holodeck 4 for their annual Target Proficiency Evaluation. All Red shirts report to Holodeck 4."

Shortly later in Holodeck 4:

"OK People Lets get this under way. Your goal is to hit the target at the far end of the range."

1st Red Shirt Ready Aim Fire… Missed.. Hits their left foot. Ok there. Off to the medic.
2nd Red Shirt Ready Aim Fire… Missed .. Hits their Right foot. Same for you, off to the medic.
3rd Red Shirt Ready Aim Fire .. Missed.. Almost hit Power Man's foot !!!

4th "Red Shirt" Ready Aim Fire .. HIT, A Good Solid HIT !!! Very Good !!

ALL RIGHT COMPUTER ACTIVATE "RED SHIRT'S REWARD" PLAN ONE !!!

Suddenly the "Red Shirt" is surrounded by a Very High Powered Containment bubble field. The field cuts off all transmissions and blocks all forms of energy from entering or exiting the sphere.
At the same time four large attack Droids swing around the side of the ship and attack the two remaining Deadstar probes that have been stuck on the side of the ship. The two probes are knocked off the ship and placed in their own VHP Containment Bubble fields.

All of this happens so fast that no signal can be sent out.

In the Holodeck 4

"Computer begin Selected Subject Scan on the contained objects."

Within the bubble field the "Red shirt" disappears. The sinister form of the Deadstar probe is revealed. Several hatches open up and several beams attack the bubble. But none of the beams can get through. Various blades and cutters are tried but they also fail. High powered antennas attempt to signal out. But not a signal gets out.

Finally with a mechanical scream the probe self destructs with a tremendous explosion. The Bubble expands up and almost bursts but manages to contain the bLast. Outside the ship the Last two probes also self destruct.

"Computer maintain the bubbles. I want all three launched on a course that will drop them into the local star."

Power Man to Captain: "I would like to report that "Phase Two" is Complete.
The Last of the Deadstar probes that we "picked up" at Fart Point have been destroyed.
The ship has been scanned inside and out. All alien probes have been found and destroyed."

In the far off lair of Senator Raging Deadstar all signals from the three probes suddenly stop.

(Sorry I broke your "Toys" RD but I can't have your junk mucking up things on the Great Ship TSSS Phong's Head. )

OK folks less than 10 Posts left. Somebody had better start putting S'Katchoo's Brain back in his head.

[Taz-in-Space]

Since the fight seems to be Lasting longer than usual, and Taz lost his place taking notes due to the bikini-clad distraction between rounds, he wanders back to the Lab.

Seeing that Erax has disconnected S'Katchoos Brain, he waits for someone to hook it back up...

and waits...

waits some more...

Enough already! Taz grabs Erax and jams the Teacher helmet on Erax's head... a little too hard - Erax is knocked unconscious.

Muttering various Tazmanian curses, Taz whirls back to the Harem and grabs Kamog. Spinning back to the Lab, Taz places the Teacher helmet on Kamog's head ( a bit more gently this time) and then turns to the control board.

Hmmm, buttons for Topics, a dial for Duration,
More buttons for This : That : and Other Things!

Way Way Waaayyy too many buttons!!!

Finally Taz spots a large red button: Everything you wanted to know about anything and a whole lot more. ( OK. It was a huge red button)

Taz presses this button and the dial for duration - well he broke the dial - so duration is unknown...

Taz the press the smiley button: [ ]

With a mighty hum, the Teacher machine activates and Kamog is bombarded with knowledge (and other things).

Perhaps too much knowledge - Kamog body seems to jerk and twitch in place and wisps of smoke are seen coming from his ears. Finally Kamog stops twitching and the Teacher machine shuts off...

Like any good Mad Scientist, Taz steps back (and rubbing his hands gleefully) waits for Kamog to do something...

[geoschmo]

At his point Dr. Geo stumbles into the room. He's completely disheveled, sporting a four day beard and appearing to to be severly hung over. He's wearing a bathrobe and muttering something under his breath about damn third rate assistants and wake up calls.

He grabs Taz by the shoulder and pulls him back from the control panel. "Are you crazy man? You'll scramble his brains for sure that way. Are you trying to kill him?"

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz looks at Dr Geo...

Taz looks at the Teacher Machine...

Taz again looks at Dr. Geo...

An idea begins to form...

Two is better than only one...
The machine is still set-up...

Hmmmm....

[Kamog]

After a long moment of silence, Kamog's eyes open. An eerie while light emanates from his eyes and mouth. Steam rises from his ears.

"I KNOW EEEVVVVEERRRYYTTTHHHIIINNNGGGG!!"
"A child could do it... a child could do it! OK now, let's get to work!"

Kamog sits down at the medical computer station and starts typing at a furious pace. "We can re-attach all of Mr. S'Katchoo's nerve connections by modifying Borg nanite technology", he explains while typing. Within minutes, several different 3-D views of the nanites appear on the screen, and a few seconds later, several thousand units are produced in the medical replicator.

Kamog puts on a lab coat, a mask and some latex surgical gloves, and places S'Katchoo's body on the operation table. He opens the medical cabinet and selects a glass vial filled with some sort of drug. There's a very complex-looking chemical formula on the label. Taking a hypo-needle, he injects some of the green liquid into the back of S'Katchoo's head.

Kamog then takes the laser scalpel and carefully cuts open S'Katchoo's head. There is an awful *sklunchhh* sound, as Kamog flips open the top half of S'Katchoo's skull. Inside the skull is empty darkness. Kamog takes a syringe full of nanites and deposits them at the base of S'Katchoo's hollow skull.

He then opens the brain storage canister that holds S'Katchoo's brain. Inside the container, the brain is floating in life-supporting bio-fluid, and attached to the brain are numerous wires, sensors and tubes. Kamog methodically removes all of the wires and tubes from the brain, gently holds the brain in his gloved hands, and lifts it out of the bio-fluid. Liquid drips down from the brain, and Kamog quickly inserts it into S'Katchoo's head. He then takes the trilaser connector and attaches the blood vessels. Above the operation table, the medical computer screen immediately starts showing a rotating image of brain activity and the nanites begin re-attaching S'Katchoo's brain to his spinal column and the nerve endings to his eyes, ears, mouth, and the rest of his body.

Kamog then closes up the top of S'Katchoo's head, and fuses his skull back together using the trilaser connector. Just as he finishes sealing up S'Katchoo's head, a light comes on above the operatin table, and the medical computer displays: "Nerve connections 100% COMPLETE."

"That was SO easy! Everything is so simple... I see the universe as a single equation. I know how to increase the ships's speed by 20,000%... how to produce unlimited energy from a drop of water... how to instantly communicate from one side of the universe to the other... - AAAARGGGG!!" Suddenly, Kamog holds his hands on his head and collapses onto the floor, his face contorted in pain.

S'Katchoo's eyes flutter open! He sits up. "Where am I?"

[Katchoo]

Science Officer S'Katchoo sits up rather abruptly.

"Where am I?" speaks Mr. S'Katchoo in a gravely voice.

He then looks around the room and sees Taz, Kamog, and Dr. Geo. Suddenly S'Katchoo's face goes cold and his arms reach out rather stiffly.

"Brains...BRAINSSSS!"

Taz, Kamog, and the Doc take a step back as Mr. S'Katchoo stiffly gets off the operating table and, with his arms still reaching out, begins to to stiffly walk towards Kamog.

A touch of drool begins to drip down from the side of Mr. S'Katchoo's mouth.

"Must eat Brains...Braaaaaaains...aaarrrrrrrrrgggguurrrrrrgg ggglllllee..."

[Growltigger]

Ding ding seconds out Round 3

Baff bish baff bosh There can be only one crunch pang doff nut thump pow ching rip snarl tear vrmmm vrmmmm bash kick stomp pow..

Jean Luc Le Grand Chat remembers about the chainsaw attached to the loading bot, vrmmm vrmmmm, it starts up and he proceeds to stuff it in the Queen Lizard's abdomen..

Snarl whimper rip chew mangle tear snarl groan death rattle rip chew mangle tear..

The Queen Lizard is shredded into a hundred small, purple and wobbly peices....

Right, we have a controller on the planet. S'Katchoo's brain is back in situ, we just need a voodoo doctor to exercise his zombie like appetite for flesh (Mr Power Man, please could you do the honours)....

Leaving what is happening on the TSSS Phong's Head aside... how'sa about Dogscoff, Taz and me go back to that harem

[Erax]

"Owww... what happened ? Where am I ?"

"Braaains... more braaains..."

"Great... I'm in a B-movie."

PS : Captain, the harem girls were beamed up to the Phong some time ago.