Abrubtly halted.

[Riesig_Bar]

Same here. Reading and enjoying. Good story.

[Ron_Lugge]

Are you willing to accept a (very!) thorough critique?

Please keep in mind that I work to a high level, such as shown here:

http://www.rpgforums.net/forumdisplay.php?f=8

And if you're wondering, should I post a story, I *DEMAND* similar treatment -- I don't just do it to others.

[El_Phil]

I'd like to thank everyone who's posted and I'm really happy your all enjoying it. Since I started this I've gotten a much better idea about how important praise is to a writer. I delayed replying until I could thank you all in the best way, with the next chapter!


"Do you wish to see the world? Go to the airport - or the optician." - LAT
2402.0
Jamie Bell wasn't a happy man. In fact Jamie was seriously considering a complete change of life after six months on Gobi. The mining complex was complete, from the vast polymetallic block caving operations on the northern continent to the deep level precious metal mines where he worked and Gobi should have become a bustling exciting place to live. Which it had, up to a point. Sure Gobi was exciting, but it was a repetitive excitement. Saturday nights here were some of the wildest in the Republic, but nothing new ever happened. Same people, same pubs, same cycle: work your shift pattern, get really drunk any chance you got and chase after the waitresses at the bar. No changes, nothing new, no challenges. 'Time to face facts Jamie boy, you need a change of scene and a change of career' he thought to himself.

The scientists on Hope lived a life opposite to the miners on Gobi, here it was all new and all mental not physical. The latest fruits of their labour was the 3rd Generation of Depleted Uranium Cannon, the first weapon system to developed on a colony. This latest incarnation had the design bureau really interested, sure the range was still short compared to missiles, but the damage was comparable to the original Hellstorms and the rate of fire was impressive. There was definite potential there.

If Jamie had been tempted by the life of a researcher he could have done worse than head out to the Styris system and head for the Haven or Camden colonies. Those worlds, the two newest, were both founded as research colonies, with Haven attracting those of a biological bent with its abundant local life forms. Jamie's bosses however would have liked him to go to Camden, as a miner not a researcher though. Camden was almost as rich as Gobi in mineral resources, but El Presidente had decreed that with the large mineral surplus research to catch the Jraenar's lead was more important than mining. However Jamie had choosen neither of these.

Captain Vickers looked over her ship. 'Looks pretty similar, still looks are decieving.' Lively had finished her refit and now sported the latest Hellstorm Mod 1 missiles. Vickers reflected on the status of the war, it had kind of stalled with no enemy ships to attack, not that Vickers was complaining. The last thing she wanted was to be ordered to attack the Jraenar colonies from orbit when she returned to the front, although she feared it might come to that unless something changed.

Whilst Vickers was worrying over the future, Sword was taking a step into the future. Not that her Captain was entirely happy with that. Captain Collins had so far always been operating under orders, either from the Admiralty or from Captain Delap, commander of Task Force One. Now he was being sent to 'Explore the next warp point and assess any enemy force concentrations or colonies. Engage any targets of opportunity without endangering your ship.' Collins wasn't happy with his orders on many levels. For starters being on his own when transiting the warp point wasn't exactly comforting, as there were still three Jraenar frigates unaccounted for in that system. Then there was the mystery of how to engage a target without endangering his ship, as even Jraenar colony ships tried to ram ships then surely attacking them was endangering his ship as they might succeed. Collins forced the thoughts from his mind, they were about to transit the warp point and he had to stay focused.

The Ministry of Defence decided to take a risk and authorise the construction of the second Leander class, even though the first had not been completed. It was felt that the risk was minimal, given that the design was an evolution not a revolution. Thus the Hope yards started work on that project while Ocelot worked on a new transport to replace Gold Rover which was being transferred to troop transport, even if her commander didn’t know it yet.

"Sensors coming back online, nothing within four sectors, five, six.. Enemy contact at seven sectors, matches the pattern of a Bolivar class." Lieutenant Harding reported from the sensor suite
"Any additional contacts out there?"
"Yes captain, I'm reading two inhabited planets and a Jraenar colony ship in orbit of the eighth planet. It appears to be on final approach for a landing, I’d say she's colonising that planet."
"Has the Bolivar reacted yet?" Captain Collins asked
"A slight peak in energy readings but she hasn’t moved yet."
"Can we intercept the colony ship before she colonises the planet?"
"No sir, we're several days away even at constant full power." His first officer replied promptly after checking the numbers
"So she's off limits then." Collins wondered at the fine distinction the Admiralty had drawn, colonies weren't to be attacked but colony ships were fair game. 'If this war starts going badly that'll be the first rule of engagement to get changed.' He thought.

2402.1
Commander Mark Eaden was a lucky guy and he knew it. By rights Leander should have been given to the most senior operational officer in the fleet, but there was a war on so there was no time to wait for Captain Delap to get back from the front. So Javelin remained as the formal fleet flagship and technically Leander was just on a transfer mission with Eaden as temporary commander. But as Eaden knew temporary commands had a way of becoming permanent if something came up.

Commander Linton was also feeling lucky as she approached the warp point, she'd find something she could feel it in her bones. This time she was right, Loki had entered the Cretirk system which was found to contain an oxygen atmosphere planet which could serve as a jumping off point for further exploration. However with her supplies running low Linton ordered Loki back for refuel after the scans were complete

Just to balance out all the good news spreading throughout the fleet Red Rover was launched in the middle of the month, with a very pissed off captain. Once again the Admiralty hadn’t actually told him that his new command was a transport vessel that was going to be seconded to the Ministry for Colonial Affairs. This translated to hauling colonists, sensitive materials and anything that couldn’t be trusted to civilian freighters.

El Presidente’s weekly military briefing had been growing in importance for the last few months; in fact it was the Vice Presidente Sheldon’s opinion that they were more important in deciding Ocelot's future than the council meeting. With that thought she sat back to listen to Admiral Watson’s summary.
“The switchover in Logistics command has gone smoothly, Gold Rover has been rerouted to collect the 3rd Wessex from their manoeuvres and Red Rover is taking over her old duties. The big issue is command and control down in Balosnee, it’s not flexible enough and can’t respond quickly to changes.”
“I take it you have a proposed solution in mind Admiral.” Marks replied
“Naturally, the Admiralty would like to promote Captain Delap to Commodore and give him command of all ships past Cignus, except for those on specific missions.”
“So why don’t you? Promotions in the forces aren’t political decisions.” Sheldon interjected
“Promotions have to be run past the Ministry of Defence, normally they just rubber stamp these decisions. In this case they refused.” Watson replied
“Did they give any reason?” Marks asked
“There is concern in the Ministry that he’s a too keen on chasing down Jraenar colony ships. It was also his ship that destroyed the Jraenar transport around their home world.”
Marks remember that, it had been a near run thing politically. Destroying a colony ship that was trying to ram your ship was one thing, a transport ship with 300 million people on it was quite another. Now Delap had tried to get their surrender, but still it hadn’t been fun. Especially when one of the networks had pointed out that the total colonial population was barely 200 million.
“I take it your not concerned then Admiral?”
“Javelin did suffer casualties when it engaged the Jraenar sir. That crew had been training together for months so he knew them all personally.” Watson replied
‘So he’s going to want some vengeance.’ Sheldon interpreted the un-spoken subtext to herself.
“It’s an operational decision Admiral; if you’re sure about Delap I’ll have a word with the Minister for Defence about getting approval.”
‘Your decision, but if Delap goes crazy then I’ll hold you responsible.’ Sheldon had no trouble picking up Marks implicit message. From Admiral Watson's face reaction neither had he.

The newly promoted Commodore Delap looked at the system map and briefing from naval intelligence deep in thought. The system looked secure, that single Bolivar Sword had found was the only enemy ship within any range and all industrial activity on the Jraenar, as the enemy home world was being called for short hand, appeared to have stopped. He reached his decision.
“Signal Pioneer she’s being sent through to Gorn to recon for enemy presence, I want Lively to back up Sword in case that Bolivar tries anything.” He ordered Lieutenant Popov.
“What are you going to do about Falcon being pulled off the blockade?” Commander Jennings asked him.
“I’m going to send Task Force One to tighten the blockade around Jraenar; they’ll still be close enough to intercept any ship that tries to head towards the home system.” Delap replied

Collins, who hadn’t yet received the news of Delap’s promotion had decided that the Bolivar qualified as a target of opportunity, especially now it had left orbit. The battle was a cat and mouse game with both sides cautiously testing the other. It soon became clear that the only way to launch a missile inside a no-escape envelope was to enter the enemy missile’s no-escape envelope. With neither captain willing to risk that and ballistic missiles not having a chance at the long range both sides withdrew. ‘Not what I expected.’ Collins thought. On balance he was pleased, he may not have destroyed the enemy, but he’d survived. ‘And I drove him back from the warp point.’

The Admiralty agreed and deemed the battle a tactical draw but a strategic victory. They also reassured Captain Collins that there was nothing more he could have done without taking dangerous risks. With higher damage missiles and more tonnage the Jraenar ship could have taken more hits and deal out more damage. That made a stand up missile duel almost suicidal. The only pleased people in the building were all on Rear Admiral Flynn’s staff, for reasons the Admiral was explaining to Captain Locke.
“As you know Falcon is being pulled back for a refit.”
Locke nodded, with the disappointing performance of Goalkeeper Falcon was going to be fitted with twin tubes like the other corvettes in the fleet.
“Well Trials Command has changed the plan slightly; Falcon is to be fitted out with two of the new 3rd generation Depleted Uranium Cannons instead of missile tubes.”
Locke was shocked. Half the number of tubes had been bad, but no tubes! Flynn acknowledged her shock and carried on
“Falcon is still a test bed ship, so standard rules apply. If you, or any of your crew of course, wants out then they can leave. We’ll be expecting a determined operational evaluation on this one.”
‘Determined operational evaluation’ was a euphemism for launching aggressive patrols to seek out the enemy instead of a more cautious approach. It was a lot more risky, but would get quicker results.
“I’ll need some time to think about this and I will want to see at least some specifications of these DUCs before I commit.” Locke replied.
“That’s reasonable, when Falcon enters shipyard I’ll be there to meet you and your crew and tell them what I can.”

2402.2
Fenris was the second Leander class vessel to be launched and like her sister ship she was sent straight to the front, unlike her sister she was allowed a decent shakedown cruise first. With the low level of enemy activity there was no need to rush things; the crew could take their time.

The same could not be said of Gold Rover’s crew. After picking up the off-world detachments of the 3rd Wessex she was rushing back to Ocelot to pick up the modified assault shuttles and the remainder of the regiment along with the command staff for the landings. Still ever since Commander Bell found the ship was being re-task to assault transport the mood of the entire crew had lifted as he cheered up.

In Balosnee Commander Eaden found out that temporary commands also had a way of being temporary as he was ordered to rendezvous with Javelin so Commodore Delap and a few other officers could transfer to Leander. When all the transfers and promotions were complete Leander carried the flag of Commodore Delap and was under the command of Captain Jennings. Commander Eaden and his second in command Lieutenant Commander Miller had Javelin which was to head back to Oberon for refit. Everyone who transferred did so with a bit of regret, Delap and Jennings would miss Javelin, while Eaden was going from the new fleet flagship to the old one. ‘Still at least this command is permanent.’ he thought.

‘This is more like it.’ Delap thought to himself as he looked around his new ship. ‘A big strategic map, conferencing facilities and a lot more space.’ Somehow it was only now that his promotion felt real. It was difficult to be a Commodore in the oldest and most out of date ship in the fleet. ‘But she was a good ship.’ Delap reproved himself. ‘Time to start on those status reports.’
The reports told him that Pegasus had taken up the blockade Javelin had been carrying out before she left and that all the other ships in the system had good supply levels and no major problem. They also told him to do nothing about the colonies until Gold Rover arrived but that he had full operational freedom to engage enemy shipping and scout out enemy positions.

The latest R&D colony, Kessel, was also founded during the month and the Research Ministry was promising big breakthrough soon thanks to all the new labs. El Presidente commented that he’d believe that when he saw it. By coincidence on the same day Kessel was founded Pioneer entered the Gorn system. The system proved to only contain two Jraenar colonies and no enemy shipping so Pioneer returned home after reporting to Commodore Delap.

“It’s pretty quiet out there Phil. I think the Jraenar are on the rope, unless something happens soon I may be forced to believe those naval intelligence estimates.”
It was just El Presidente and the Vice-Presidente alone in his office.
“Your right, it’s been a very quiet month on the Jraenar front. But is it a nothing happening quiet or just the quiet before a storm. If those estimates are wrong and they haven’t been forced to scrap their fleet. If their colonies are more productive than we think and those frigates are just out beyond the next warp point…”
“You’re saying we should slow down the colonisation programme and strengthen the fleet?”
“When we’ve got a few more Leander’s out of the shipyard I’ll be happier certainly. Because it’s not just the Jraenar is it?”
Sheldon nodded, she’d read the report too. The foreign, defence and research ministries had tried to work out if there would be any more alien races out in the universe. Their conclusion, based upon the number of potentially habitable planets the navy was encountering and the very advanced life being discovered Haven, was that it was almost inevitable that intelligent life had evolved elsewhere in the universe than just on Jraenar and Ocelot. The estimates of the biologists had some of the species on Haven barely a few thousand years from sentience, not even the blink of an eye in universal terms. The Jraenar Imperium may or may not be on its last legs but there were other species out there, hopefully friendly, but judging by their first encounter neither of them was betting on it.

[Ron_Lugge]

First of, a comment on formating. Since most internet based formating can't place tabs in the text (especially not on forums) it is considered standard to use a double return between paragraphs. Most word processors will handle this alright, though some word / grammar checkers throw fits. Ignore them; for an internet based presentation format accordingly. As a result, you also often have to use "***" set between a set of paragraph returns to indicate breaks. Often such an approach is centered; sometimes it isn't.

Second, a comment on my critique style. I read through the story, and anytime I have to pause to parse a sentence or paragraph, or something *really* eye jarring catches my attention, I look at it. Generally I go ahead and pull it out for your review, along with what I think is wrong and any possible solutions I see. If I don't see any I don't offer them, but I don't look hard so feel free to ask me if I can think of anything (though be aware that the turnaround time on such a request won't be great; I can be relied upon to have access to the 'net on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Other days are chance and guesswork. So if you ask sunday, I could very well take until wednesday to respond. If you ask late monday, it could take untill Friday since my access is in the morning -- though I will try not to leave you waiting too long.

Now, on to the meat of your story...

Whatever else was said about the Ocelonian constitution and a great deal was but mainly behind closed doors, it was at least clear.

This sentence needs to be made clearer; place some commas or dashes to break up the clauses. At the moment you have to struggle to connect "Whatever else was said about the ocelonian constitution ... it was at least clear" from "and a great deal was but mainly behind closed doors". I'd suggest "constitution, and a great deal was -- mainly behind closed doors -- it was at least clear".

But thats just me, and I'm in love with dashes and parenthetical expressions.

All he had was his father’s request he take over and a handful of loyal friends, not enough to take on the armed forces and parliament surely?

Again, propper comma use to break up and delineate the sub-clauses. This sentence is a little muddy, starting at "not enough..." though I think the solution will need to come at "forces and parliament" as thats when it starts to break down when reading through it. Maybe "friends, surely not enough to take on the armed forces and parliament" or use a comma to break surely off.

The official meeting room of Presidente was only recently re-decorated, to fit in with the new incumbent’s tastes, and those tastes were whatever was needed for holding long, involved and technical discussions about important matters of state, which this next meeting promised to be.

This needs to be broken into two sentences and clarified, badly. Past saying the room has been redecorated for the new "owner" and that a long, important meeting was going on, I got lost. I think you said that his tastes were functional; not sure.

Gentleman the reports from the ship yards and research institutes are clear. The Ocelot Republic is ready to launch it’s first long ranged, fully crewed space craft. The Navy has prepared to alternate designs, design Alpha fitted with long ranged tanks or design Beta fitted with a rotary nuclear missile launcher. So it is this council’s job to decide which design we go with.”

Gah, where to start. First there is the "The navy has prepared two alternate designs" that you need to change. Second, as someone who often falls into melodrama, I can recognize the tendency. You can just drop the "are clear" and "gentlemen" if you like. Or better yet, just delete everthing after gentlement and tack that onto the next sentence. The middle sentence is OK other than the change, though I think you might want to look at the fourth one.

The arguments raged back and forth with no-one changing anyone else’s mind, although the only opinion that mattered was that of the Presidente, who was keeping quiet and watching the arguments. Finally he spoke.

First sentence seems a little long. Maybe split the "keeping quiet" sentence off and splice it into the next one -- dunno how -- or better yet just drop it entirely. Your choice.

This small group weren’t breathless as they witnessed the Pegasus, make their races first step into the stars, mainly because they’d watched the real first launch the previous week

Bleh. I think you need to clarify your clauses again, but this sentence doesn't read well to me. Also, on the next sentence I don't think you need a capitol after a colon; I believe they are considered one sentence.

But for Presidente Marks, Admiral Watson and all the others who’d been in on the secret it was still both proud and reassuring to see the Pegasus making official, if not actual, history.

Again, use commas to seperate out clauses -- a good rule of thumb is to read it out loud and put a comma everywhere you pause while reading it. Just remember that that is a rule of thumb; you might not need a comma where there is a pause or you might not pause where a comma is needed.

On board even Captain Micheal Delap had to time to enjoy the moment, the crew had been in almost continuous training for the last month and were the pick of the recruits.

I think you can break that in two sentences at the comma, they don't quite go together IMO.

Even as he thought his stomach suddenly turned a loop, it was all well and good the scientists saying it was safe, that the ship and crew would survive perfectly well, the fact remained he was expected to throw his ship into a large spacial anomaly.

Um, why did his stomach suddenly turn acrobat? Was it because the thought was uncomfortable or they were headed through the jumppoint (obviously not, considering the next sentences, but the sentence remains unclear and does come first)?

Still he could hardly claim it was a surprise, he’d always known he’d have to do it if he joined the navy, but… Well to be honest he’d always thought a different officer would get the first command and so he wouldn’t be the first.

Clarity check: did they only just discover jump points (as I was given the impression) or did they only just figure out how to go through them?

Also, "full cruise when you're ready?" doesn't quite parse. "Crusing speed when ready" would; "full speed" would; full cruise doesn't make sense. At the very least, append speed to it.

And put a comma after "Ahh" in "Ahh Lieutenant Commander...".

As the Pegasus cruised across the ship streamed back data,

Bad clause parsing; as it reads the pegasus is cursing across the ship. Add a comma and define cruised across (cruised across what?).

this when combined with the information from the shakedown was enough for the Ministry of Research and the Rolls-Royce engineers to produce the MkII Ion Engine, which was incorporated into the design of the Pegasus Batch 2. The updated design was passed to the shipyards currently laying down the next ship in the class.

Too much game mechanics; replace with "improve the Ion Engines" or "Ion Drive" and split off a new sentence "The change was incorporated". "Batch 2" doesn't seem right; consider "mark II" or simply have the next ship be "the design of the next Pegasus".

"Bright eyed and bushy tailed" was a nice touch, BTW.

“Captain we have entered the Cignus system, no damage reports but sensor systems still distorted and all ship velocity has been lost.” Vickers reported

Wow, they know where they are and they haven't even seen the place yet? Good navigators -- or a small plot failure. How did they know they were in the Cignus system? Was there a probe of some kind sent through first? Did they deduce that from the way the warp point lay in space? Was it simply decided "Whatever is on the other side will be names "Cignus"?

And I'm sorry, but the ship was simply sent on to the next warp point? No detailed medical workup or engineering examination? Makes game sense, but does that really make sense in real life?

oh, and as someone else mentioned (and I missed), there was a slight dialogue flaw around which design was chosen -- alpha had tanks, beta missile, and they chose beta for the tanks?

Oh, and BTW -- why isn't the military insisting on armed ships to combat the (inevitable) onset of piracy? With no way to keep order in space, they have to know its coming! Sure, the pirates won't be well armed, but if they plan on making colonies then (presumably unarmed) freighters will be traversing space -- criminals won't be able to help but attack such juicy targets!

OK, enough picking of nits. Onwards to part 2 -- and be as mean to me as I am to you!

***

The launch of the ORS Pioneer was always going to struggle to match the huge celebration that accompanied the launch of her sister ship, but everyone involved gave it their best shot.

Since the events are one-shot deals, how can they always be doing something? Also, the sentences don't quite parse right, even without that. Consider rewriting.

I do like the next sentence there because it has a wonderful flow.

Also, why are they so desperate to get a hold of a colonizable world, even if its not an inhabitable one? Population pressure? Or just left-over bits of game-mechanics?

It took several days, but eventually the language problems were overcome and communications became possible. Captain Delap discovered that the planet was inhabited by a race called the Jraenar Imperium who bore an alarming resemblance to short dinosaurs.

A few days?! Sorry, that doesn't make sense. Add in a bit of techno-babble if you want -- some kind of UT with a linqual genius -- but you need to do something!

Also, check the next sentence, as I think you need to break the clauses up a little.

The matter was decided when the Presidente backed the Javelin and the first in class would be the next ship to be built after the colony ship was completed.

Again, go back over this one. I think you need to split it into two sentences.

"We do not entirely trust you. Your treaty can wait for now" - Transmission from the Jraenar Imperium planet

Hmm, that sentence doesn't quite make sense either. I recognize it as a responce taken directly from the game, but it could be used to support the concept that while you can be understood across the lingual barrier, there is something not quite right with the translations.

Filled to the gills with brave souls looking to start a new life on a new world she expected to make planet fall within six weeks, her progress would be watched by the whole planet, there was racial soft spot and respectul attitude for pioneers and you didn’t get more pioneering than starting life on a new planet

Can you say "run-on"? Good. Then fix it

Also, I think you need to add some commas to break up clauses.

Of great interest to scientist and astrophysicist, but not exactly what Captain Locke had been hoping for, still she reasoned, if you always succeed and found what you were looking for you wouldn’t appreciate it.

Try splitting it into two sentences.

Well we want you to have her, you’re the only captain with any experience of the Jraenar an as the Javelin is heading back that way we want you onboard.”

You need a transition between "have her" and "you're the only" -- try just adding ", as" and see if that works. Also, there seems to be a minor type in there.

"Some of the Delap"

Either there is a typo in there, or something really weird is going on. And don't worry if it is a typo; I've done worse that change the name of a ship (and omit part of a clause) in the past. Much worse.

Skipping on a little, "MkIIs" doesn't read quite right. Mainly because of my screen, but I'd suggest getting rid of the "Mk" abreviation or changing it to "MKII" for increased legibility.

It could be anything he’d have to get Taunolin to pour over every transmission looking for something, but deep down he doubted that they’d ever find out.

Try re-writing this sentence. I also strongly recommend re-writing the declaration of war; simply droping vengeful would do fine. Unless you are trying to say that they did do something by accident.

Also, why is it that they can't build more ship-yards in orbit of the homeworld, Ocelot?

And at this point, I'm wondering what happened to the suggestion that Mark couldn't take the presidency -- was that resolved "in the background"? If so, deleting the build up would be smart.

Range nineteen clicks, maximum weapons range in 30 seconds

A click is one kilometer. If they're nineteen clicks away from an enemy ship, then they are practicaly right on top of it!



[/quote]Hell Watson himself might have done just what Delap did, still he would probably have to run this pass the Presidente as this incident could get all political.


[/quote]

"Hell Watson" is an odd name, unless you meant "Hell, Watson himself..."

It was only the Presidente, vice Presidente Mary Sheldon and Admiral Andrew Watson for the private briefing on “The Battle of Cignus” as it had started to become referred to.

Hm, not quite clicking. Dunno why -- but it doesn't seem to fit for me. I think part of the problem is the "It was only the...for the private briefing". The phrasing doesn't seem to quite fit; try "Only...were present for the private briefing..." and possibly seperate "as it had started to become referred to" into a seperate clause, and rewrite it.

On the rest of the briefing, it strikes me as odd that the President thought that people being upset over the captain not calling for the Jraenar to surrender was a little odd. I'm sorry, had the Jraenar been totally uncumminicative or had a history of refusing surrender -- especially if they used surrender as a tactic to ram or otherwise turn the tide of battle! -- but as is, calling for surrender would have been the "oppropriate" thing to do.

On the other hand, on a personall basis I wouldn't think less of him for it; I just understand easily those who do. It is one thing to annihilate an opponent; another to back him into a corner.

By the way, why do you spell president "Presidente"?

Also, from now on I won't describe / delineate the varius sentences that need commas added somewhere. I'll just put up quotes with no comments. If you want me too, I'll stop, but finding variants on "Need a comma here, there, and somewhere else" is a little difficult.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, I had someone this picky go over my early work. He didn't pick on the same stuff -- in my case it was mostly use of adjectives / adverbs -- but he did pick, hard. At everything and anything he could find.

I wish -- and I wish very, very hard -- that DIH49 was still around picking at my work. I miss him.

"El Presidente we've just received a message from the Jraenar."
"Well Taunolin what does it say" Marks seriously doubted it was good news, but hoped otherwise.
"'You must immediately remove all your ships from the Cignus system' it came from a burst transmission through the warp point." Taunolin's voice was flat, during all council meetings he had been one of the leading 'Doves', stridently stating that any aliens they encountered would undoubtedly be friendly. Marks was impressed he'd held together so well after being proved so comprehensively wrong.

In addition to a lot of missing commas, I think you need to break "Taunolin's voice was flat" from the rest, or possibly rewrite the entire sentence. It doesn't hang together right, even ignoring missing commas.

The Admiralty order commander Stensgaard to head back to Gamma and transit the remaining unexplored warp point.

I think you have a tense error there. Or something.

and the first task of the colonists, after getting over their hangovers,

A nice touch.

Firstly the weapons technology of the Jraenar wasn't known, if they had used projectile weapons their was no point having point defence and secondly the system had been designed to fire from a stationary or slow moving platform

Missing commas.

The Admiralty order Captain Delap to pull back and rendezvous with the Falcon

Was that "ordered" instead of "order"?


I think I've burned out, sorry. Wasn't able to give any real advice on the rest of it -- just more of the same.

[Fyron]

Says whom?

You have to make your post with HTML (there is a drop box above the big text field). This will not work with editing pre-existing posts, but it will work for new ones.

Code tags dont seem to be working correctly, so you might have to quote this post to see the HTML tags.

Code:

---

 
test indentation




not indented
test indentation




not indented
test indentation
 

---

Output:

test indentation with lots of text so that we get a second line. test indentation with lots of text so that we get a second line. test indentation with lots of text so that we get a second line. test indentation with lots of text so that we get a second line. test indentation with lots of text so that we get a second line.

not indented

test indentation

not indented

test indentation

Of course, this requires everything to be on the same line, othwerwise you get lots of extra spacing like:

test indentation

not indented

test indentation

[Ron_Lugge]

Thats a clever trick, but IMO more difficult than its worth.

But on the other hand, some people like the tabbing...

[Fyron]

Get a good text editor with regular expressions in find/replace. Replace beginning of line with the opening paragraph code. Replace end of line with close paragraph. Done and done.

[El_Phil]

Comma use and splitting sentences. Meh! Never been my strongest point but I will take a stab at improving it.

OK Batchs I'm using because the navy is sort of based on the Royal Navy, eg xxxx Batch 2. Purely a personal thing.

El Presidente is just when I started I had a mental image of Marks taking over a corrupt bannana dictatorship sort of place hence the title. As for him getting the job, its going to be explained over the course of the story. I know how it happened and I'm saving it up for quiet moments.

Cick doesn't have to mean kilometers. In fact the few times I've heard it used it didn't, although I suppose I should have clarified what I wanted it to mean.

The ship selection section was re-written many times and so did suffer as I really couldn't face reading it through again. There was an explanation of potential piracy but it got lost in the endless (well it felt like it) changes. I really should have scrapped it and re-written the entire section from scratch. Hey ho.

The messages from other races was troubling me as well. You are right that some of the don't fit the story, but at the time I decide to go with them. I think I may take some artistic licence with the next round of messages unless they fit the story.


Here's what I got from the review and can do something about for the next part:
1. Commas. Thrice damned comma use.
2. Check on splitting up sentences as part of the spawn of satan that is comma use.
3. Throw in a few more explanations of assumed things/game mechanic events. Such as racing onto warp points, first contacts.

If there is something else you were trying to tell me that I didn't get please clarify.

[Ron_Lugge]

Only thing I'd like to point out is that, in general, it is a good idea to post to a writers forum or somewhere similar before posting in a place you feel requires a "finished" product. Personally, I consider any forum such a place

Just try to have a finished product before you put the piece to a website. So go ahead and and re-write those scenes!

And in case I forgot to mention it, that was a good story, even if I found a lot of problems.

And 1 / 2 are really part of the same thing, of course, so you need to work on them together.

[El_Phil]

Not a proper update, just an idea that have been rattling around for a while.

Intermission

Most stories are just concerned with the big stories, the epic tales spanning galaxies that change the lives of billions. Such stories however are little more than the sum of all the smaller stories, tales such as this one.

The Rolls-Royce R&D lab on Hope was the biggest off-world engineering centre in the Republic, and home to all their bleeding edge projects. The board would tell you that this was because of their comitment to the colonisation programme. Cynics might suggest that the lax safety regulations were a bigger motivation.
Ted Riley, freshly transfered from the research labs on Ocelotm, was looking at the readouts from the new Spey engine on the test bed.
"That's interesting."
His boss looked over at him, checked his display and then hammered a button. Across the lab sirens wailed out and blast doors slammed down as the safety lockdown procedure started.
"What did you do that for?" Riley asked in a shocked tone of voice
"Because you didn't." was the simple reply
"What?! All I said was 'That's interesting' and suddenly we're in lockdown, what was.."
Riley was interupted mid-flow by a muffled bang as several kiloton of prototype engine energetically re-decorated the sealed test bed area. After Riley calmed down he looked at his boss, who had barely reacted. In fact he was looking a bit smug with an 'I told you so' look on his face.
"OK, how did you know?"
"Simple, this is a development lab not a research lab." his boss, Jameson, replied
"So?" Riley didn't follow at all
"In research everything is overbuilt with huge safety margins, as the purpose is just to prove the concept right?"
Riley nodded, the first prototype had been massive and cost a large fortune.
"In development we have to produce something practical from all the great ideas. First thing to go are the huge safety margins, after all the research guys have ony passed it on to us because they understand the system. There is, however, one small problem with this system..."
"The research department never actually fully understands what's going on?" Riley interupted
"Precisely. So when we hear 'That's interesting.' something unexpected has happened. And unexpected can be explosively dangerous so we go straight to lockdown."
"So what now?"
"Order a cleanup crew to fix the testbed room, call supplies for a new prototype and send the data dump back to Ocelot." Jameson replied
"Then?"
"Knock off early and head to the pub for a few days, till the new engine turns up."
"Gravy!"