OT: US has chance to surrender.

[Ragnarok]

Before anyone reads this I will have you know that this is all a joke that was sent to me by my brother through email. It is all fake and meant as joke only.
For my part... I laughed pretty hard when I read it. But enjoy!

United States has chance to Surrender
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Starving, Bandaged Bin Laden Offers US One Last Chance To Surrender

TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN—An emaciated and heavily bandaged Osama bin
Laden offered the U.S. a final chance to surrender Monday.

"Enemies of Allah, this is your Last chance to leave Afghanistan
alive," said a battered, soot-covered bin Laden in a videotaped
statement broadcast on the Al Jazeera satellite network. "I mean it."

Staring directly into the camera with his good eye, bin Laden
reiterated his vow to drive the U.S. from the country.

"You may have dozens of bases in Afghanistan. You may have thousands
of bombs," bin Laden said. "But know this: We still have three or
four guns and a full crate of bullets. And some knives, I think. You
cannot hope to prevail."

A nearby goatherder then helped bin Laden brandish a rifle over his
head.

"With every military advance you make, your forces become more spread
out and weakened, while the Taliban's become more concentrated in an
increasingly small space," bin Laden said. "You are practicing the
mathematics of defeat. Give up now."

The videotape was accompanied by a written statement that explicitly
laid out the Taliban's instructions for surrender.

"Men of the armies of Pakistan, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, and
Tajikistan; Americans of the 101st Airborne, 10th Mountain Division,
13th Marine Expeditionary Unit, 4th Special Operations Group, 8th
Army Mechanized Battalion, SEAL Teams Four, Six, and Nine, and the
Aircraft Carrier U.S.S. Carl Vinson... you are hereby required to
report to the smoldering remains of our air base southeast of
Kandahar," the statement read. "Turn your weapons over to Kamal and
Azir, these two guys who should still be there. Kamal will be the one
with the bad limp. After you have been processed by them and your
surrender has been accepted, you will be released and sent home as
soon as possible. Please, do not throw away any more lives in this
useless struggle. Please."

"The noose is tightening," said Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar,
gnawing on a dead horse's hoof. "With every Taliban soldier you
capture or kill, your selection of enemies grows more limited. Our
remaining soldiers, on the other hand, enjoy a virtually limitless
array of Allied soldiers to shoot. Before long, it will be virtually
impossible for you to find someone to engage on the field of battle.
Then, victory will be ours."

Omar then closed his eyes and began to rock slowly back and forth.

According to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, American military
leaders are having difficulty locating the few remaining pockets of
Taliban personnel, hindering U.S. efforts to force a surrender.

"We are carefully analyzing bin Laden's videotaped message for any
possible clues to his whereabouts," Rumsfeld said. "By analyzing the
background vegetation and rock formations, the length and position of
the shadows, and other subtle clues, we may be able to determine the
location of the Taliban's temporary headquarters and send in a strike
force for around-the-clock shelling."

"It's not yet clear where bin Laden was," Rumsfeld added, "but he
seemed to be speaking from some sort of gigantic, bombed-out litter
box."

Asked if he had considered or listened to the content of bin Laden's
message, Rumsfeld said, "Why, no."