Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong's Head Cantina - After Hours

[tesco samoa]

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small
one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,
we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock
the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the crap out of 'em,
and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer,
there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."

[Growltigga]

Hmmm... pity computer nerds are not even worthy of having jokes made about them...

My favourite is this one..

A man walks up to a lawyers and asks him how much he charges.

"£500 for 3 questions" says the lawyer
"Cripes", says the man, "isn't that an awful lot of money?"
"Yes" says the lawyer, "and what is your third question?"

[Growltigga]

Here is another one...

A millionaire wins a rather messy divorce so to celebrate, he takes all his friends, and his lawyer, for a tip-top alcohol and sex-fuelled cruise on his private yacht round the caribbean.

The lawyers gets a little tiddly and manages to fall overnight. The crew throw him a life preserver and a banana dacquiri and he is happy as larry, bobbing about in the waves drinking whilst the rescue boat is launched.

Suddenly, this giant man-eating shark comes racing up to the lawyer, everybody is expecting him to be ripped apart but the shark surfaces underneath him so that the lawyer is astride his back, swims over to the side of the yacht and helps the lawyer back on board, with a wave from a fin and a flick of his tail, the shark disappears back into the depths.

Everybody is astounded and the millionaire walks up to the lawyer, who is still sipping his banana dacquiri happily, and asks him why the shark didn't eat him, but instead, helped him back on board.

"Oh that" says the lawyer "that is just professional courtesy"

[Saxon]

Ghana is hot and humid. Skirts are short, tops are tight and the Internet is slow. Ergo, no sign of Saxon in the Cantina. Either that or a fear of why Tigga wants to see me tied naked to a spit and being slowly rotated. I always though Broomhilda was enough to slake his appetites, but I guess I was wrong.

I should be back on the 24th, though we are trying to get out of here early. Three of my less than stellar staff managed to get themselves deported and fired, so I now have a small staffing problem in East Africa. Word to the wise, don’t get drunk and piss off immigration officials in a land far, far away. They have no sense of humour.

[geoschmo]

Geoschmo saunters in, drops his shilling on the bar and orders whatever passes for drinks in these parts. He arrives just in time to catch the tail end of the conversation. At an appropriate lull he decides to share with the room his favorite laywer joke.

So this lawyer decides to go on a trip to Borneo see? And he wants to see the wildlife and such so he hires a local guide to take him on a tour and show him the oranguatangs.

They get a ways out into the bush and they suddenly realize they are being stalked by a very hungry looking tiger. The guide, who up to this point had been dressed in completely authentic native accutrements and was walking about barefoot, calmly sits down, opens his knapsack and pulls out a shiney new pair of Nike running shoes and begins to lace them up snugly.

The lawyer, a bit frazzeled at the prospect of his imminent demise wailed, "Surely you don't think you can outrun that tiger on foot do you?"

The guide calmly stood and spoke quietly, "But sir, I do not need to outrun the tiger. I only need to out run you."



Geoschmo

PS: No, it wasn't a laywer joke the first time I heard it either, but you gotta love a story that ends with the lawyer getting eaten.

[ July 15, 2002, 21:04: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[PaladinOfEarth]

A quiet grin passes the lips of the man in the shsdows

[Growltigga]

"Oh Geo", says Growltigga snicking his cricket pad into the palm of his paw, "you really are showing your geographical ignorance again, especially as it relates to local flora and fauna"

Growltigga strowls up behind Geo and says "YOU..DONT...GET..TIGERS...IN....BORNEO" enunciating and emphasising each word with a wallop round Geo's head with the cricket bat

[Atrocities]

Atrocities enters the bar. He is hungry and in a really bad mood. People, fearing for their safety, move out of his path as he strides to the bar.

"I want a shot of your strongest poison!"

"Cuuummmmiinngg Rigght uppp Siiiiir." Squeaks the timid bar tender.

The drink is given to Atrocities; he slams it back, stands, looks about the room, and falls face first to the floor.

No more poison for him.

[dogscoff]

A distant rumbling is heard...

Patrons looking out of the windowcan see a faint blue strip on the horizon, which gradually grows until it is apparent that a gigantic 500-metre high wave of seawater is sweeping towards the cantina at an incredible rate, destroying all in its path.

Panic ensues: Various drinkers scramble to get to their spacecraft in the parking area, or hide uinder their tables and start crying. Growltigga's fur stands on end and he leaps into the rafters, quivering at the thought of getting wet. Other drinkers simply resign themselves to their fates and calmly order another drink, determined to at least go out in style.

Just short of the Cantina, the wave stops miraculously, just like that bit at the end of "Abyss". Within the wall of water, gigantic sea- creatures can be seen: Genetically altered whales in battle armour, legions of sharks in military formations, and fearsome deep sea- creatures as yet undiscovered by the air-breathing world at large.

Atop the wave, amidst the gravity- defying spume, upon a throne seemingly fashioned from the water itself there sits a figure. Someone produces a small telescope and everyone crowds around for a view of the Ocean King. It's Dogscoff, surrounded by voluptous mermaid courtiers and heavily armed mermen. Suddenly, an enormous squid swims to the front of the wave, rising up beneath the aquatic court. With one building sized tentacle, it lifts the throne and its occupant from the top of the wave to the Cantina's balcony. The throne of water collapses with a splash around the tentacle as the Ocean King steps from it into the bar.

"I'll have a pint of Hoegaarden, and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps." He says to the astounded barman. "Open a tab for me, I plan to stick around." It is some time before the rest of the cantina's occupants gather their wits enough to speak, but finally someone speaks up:
"Where have you been?"
"I've been conquering the undersea realms, forging an empire mightier than anything ever seen above the waves. I now control all subaquatic life on the eplanet, and have amassed untold wealth from the hitherto unexploited mineral resources of the ocean floor."

There is a stunned silence.

"But my fingers were going all wrinkly, so I decided to come back here for a pint. Drinks are on me for a week."

With that the wave retreats as quickly as it arrived, but not as quickly as the stampede for the bar now that someone else is paying...

[dogscoff]

IRL...

I took voluntary redundancy Last week and so haven't been able to visit the forums from work, coz I don't have to work out my notice. Then this weekend I've been moving house, and so my home phone-line has been unavailable until this morning. I've been going Online from my mobile to keep up with PBW, but that's too expensive for general browsing.

Anyway, I'm bak for now, with a few days off and my home internet connection restored I start a new job on Monday, where I probably won't get to browse the forums in work hours, so after thios week I probably won't be so frequent a visitor

[ July 16, 2002, 13:20: Message edited by: dogscoff ]