Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Fyron]

Could we perhaps keep this thread to joke telling and keep the banter in other threads? Thanks.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

He's just annoyed cause I didn't fall for his April Fools joke.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Subject: Top 10 Indications That Cats Are...
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 02 Apr 2005 01:05 AM
Top 10 Indications That Cats Are
The Evolutionary Descendants of Dragons

10. Ability to invoke fear with minor changes of position/facial expression.

9. Really wicked breath.

8. Enjoy toying with mortals.

7. They are constantly offered gifts in order to appease their wrath.

6. Ability to gain total control over the humans in its territory.

5. Claws that can decimate the toughest armor (and upholstery).

4. Affinity for high perches from which it can survey all that it controls.

3. The size of its ego is consistent with that of its evolutionary forebears.

2. Habit of playing with food.

... and the Number 1 Indication That Cats
Are The Evolutionary Descendants of Dragons...

1. Ability to monitor its territory while seemingly asleep.

[Renegade 13]

When someone questions the obvious give them back a snappy answer.

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....

Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter
and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Quicksand Sucks!

[Randallw]

Ok then here is a joke only Australians and Kiwis will get.

Australia Sux, New Zealand Nil.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Please explain.....

[Randallw]

hey Strategia do you realise your reply is a phrase which is the subject of much joking itself. Maybe you are secretly Australian . Ok since you insist I'll explain.

First off Kiwis bear a grudge against us for a cricket match we had against them once. As a result a friend of mine, while visiting, New Zealand, saw graffiti on a wall saying "Australia sux". An Australian clearly came along because he wrote underneath "New Zealand Nil". The joke is that the New Zealand accent pronounces "I" as "u" (at least to Australian accents). 6 to 0.

There are a plethora of Australian jokes directed at Kiwis, most notably insinuations about the amount of sheep there are in New Zealand compared to the human population. I apologise for posting such obscure humour, but I couldn't help it if we were placing jokes concerning puns on sucks.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Oooh I see..... very funny Randallw, like it.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Subject: I don't know who the next pope will be...
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 14 Apr 2005 08:44 AM

"I don't know who the next pope will be, but I know there is one particularly qualified and distinguished man who will not be selected.

Bishop Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in the Hague. As a young man, he aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the army during WWII. He spent two years flying aboard B17s as a co-pilot until, in 1943, his aircraft was shot down and he lost his left arm.

Still enscripted, Hans spent the remainder of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual advice and last rights to dying soldiers, allied and enemy. He was renowned for his ecumenical tenderness and compassion.

After the war, Grapje became a priest and served as a missionary throughout Africa. In spite of his handicap, he was noted for piloting his own bush plane into the deepest, most primitive villages to spread the church's message and charity to the impoverished.

In 1997, then Archbishop Grapje was serving at an outpost in Zimbabwe, when an explosion in one of the country's vast silver mines caused a catastrophic cave-in. The archbishop, in spite of his seniority, went down into several of the shafts to administer last rights to those who would never escape. He was in one of these shafts when it partially caved in, trapping him and several rescuers.

Although he was rescued three days later, he suffered several painful injuries, including one that cost him his right eye. Additionally, the silver content in the shaft's air supply had poisoned him, causing his skin to take an indigo hue - a condition known as purpura - that persists to this day.

Although the Cardinal has devoted, and indeed risked, his life in the service of God for nearly 70 years, as a scholar, a mentor, and the epitome of a holy man, church politics preclude his ascension to the Papacy.

Church leaders have made it clear they don't want a one-eyed, one armed, flying, purple, Papal leader."

*Wonders how many people will get it*

Subject: The Pun Reference Library Continued
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 14 Apr 2005 08:39 AM
The Pun Reference Library Continued

Some Like it Sweet: Sugar Kane
Fred Can Philosophize!: Immanuel Kant
Oh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer
My Life With Annette: Amos Kateer
New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky
I Was A Son Of A Buccaneer: Rich Kidd
The Palace Roof has a Hole: Lee King
Lawn Care: Ray King
Exercise on Wheels: Cy Kling
I Hate the Sun: Gladys Knight
Teach Me!: I. Wanda Know
Who Killed Cock Robin?: Howard I. Know
Better Mental Health: Cy Kosis
Breaking the Law: Kermit A. Krime
Jewish Holidays: Hannah Kuhh
If I Invited Him...: Woody Kum
NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
Those Funny Dogs: Joe Kur
I Like Weeding Gardens: Manuel Labour
How to Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
Military Rule: Marshall Law
Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
Manana: Stew Layt
To be Honest: Frank Lee
The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg
Pain in My Body: Otis Leghurts
The Phillipine Post Office: Imelda Letter
Pentagon Press Release: Colonel O'Truth and Lotta Lies
Theft Among Arthropods: The Lieutenants
Not a Guitar!: Amanda Lin
Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
Bring to the Grocer's: R. List
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
Joys of Cowardice: Lily Livard
The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
Employment Handbook: Ernie Living
How to Break In: Jimmy De Lock

Subject: Exercise for seniors
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 13 Apr 2005 09:19 AM
Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to
build musclestrength in the arms and shoulders. It seems
so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger
friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long
as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for
just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to
where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand
and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in
each of the sacks; but be careful.