Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Suicide Junkie]

I got 233.

The trick to the shotgun is to use it for emergencies, and then just before the round ends, blast it all away and start the reload.
The pistol auto-reloads for the next round, but the shotgun has to be emptied first.

Emptying the pistol into the air so you can reload is also useful when there are no zombies on the screen yet.

Also, if you just shoot in their general direction, you'll only hit sometimes.
If you click right on them, you'll hit for sure.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I'm qouting.

Subject: FINAL EXAM HYMN
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 May 2005 06:47 PM
Originally Posted: 17 May 2005 06:46 PM
*FINAL EXAM HYMN*
(sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)


Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term.
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm.
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold.
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told.
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few,
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two.
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me.
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea.
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class.
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas!
But I won't be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass;
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known!

Subject: Ain't it the truth.....
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 May 2005 06:21 PM
Originally Posted: 17 May 2005 06:20 PM
Ain't it the truth.....

If you consider that there have been an average
of 160,000 troops in the Iraqi theater during the
last 22 months, that gives a firearm death ratio
of 60 per 100,000.

The firearm death ratio in DC is 80.6 per 100,000.
That means that you are more likely to be shot
and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has
some of the strictest gun control laws in the
nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion:
We should immediately pull out of ...
WASHINGTON, DC!

For cat people.

Subject: PC: Personal Cat Specifications
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 May 2005 05:35 PM
Originally Posted: 17 May 2005 05:34 PM
PC: Personal Cat Specifications

Standard input:
1. Bilateral frontal whisker array
2. Bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range 20-20,000Hz)
3. Stereoscopic scanning device, with night vision
4. Velcro(tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector
5. Twin front-mounted odor sampling devices

Standard output:
1. Internally mounted purrbox
2. Single speaker with separate growl mode
3. Rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device

Processor:
1. Parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory
2. Autonomic control of system software

Included Hardware:
1. Calcium-based skeletal structure
2. Byte-to-bit conversion array
3. Retractable document shredder/hole punch
4. Pawpad printer
5. Mouse (standard catnip)
Also included: natural fiber protective covering in various colors

System Software:
Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:
* DOS (domestic shorthair)
* OS (other shorthair)
* MS (megasoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)
- Conversion to EUNUCHS can be done by a simple operation. This is
recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones.
- Bundled software may include the following: Mortal Kombat, Acrobat,
Explorer, and Stuffit Expander.
- Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed.
- There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

Operating Your PC
- To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).
- Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will -
Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may
invoke the Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area.
- To wake your PC From Sleep, press the power button as in Start,
shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a Warm Boot:
Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with your toes.

To perform a Cold Boot:
Same technique as for Warm Boot, but leave your shoe on.

To Reboot:
Repeat the Warm Boot.

Cleaning your PC:
Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only.
Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is
necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC
is fully dry when finished.

Compatibility and Networking:
Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other
PCs. Running EUNUCHS will generally give your PC greater
compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a
firewall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the
other's security systems. Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and
cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes. Please note that
your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and FISH, unless
appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are installed.
Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a
subordinate position within the hierarchical structure.

Power Requirements:
- Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food.
- Direct supply of water.
- Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources.

Troubleshooting:
-PC has difficulty exiting: Perform a Warm Boot.
- PC shares files from dinner/table/plates without permission: Boot
your PC prior to running food-related software.
- PC hangs up phone during connection to ISP: Try invoking sleep mode
Prior to connecting to ISP; otherwise, perform a Warm Boot.
- PC is frozen: PC is probably scanning for small life forms; reboot
until it responds.
- Deleted material not going to trash or recycling bin: reprogram
preferences in PC sys/litter_box/deposit/target.aim

[Wardad]

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?


*
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BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

You and that guy I keep qouting should have a chat sometime.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Subject: *A CRAZY LANGUAGE*
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 18 May 2005 07:47 AM
Originally Posted: 18 May 2005 07:46 AM
*A CRAZY LANGUAGE*
(Stan Kegal)


For those who Reed and Right..

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox became oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and showed you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beech?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say other, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it! - English is a crazy language!

[Aris_Sung]

What the Kamikaze instructor told his students:

"Watch carefully. I'm only going to do this once."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

And here's the guy who needs no introduction (Because I've qouted him (Qouting websites) about a billion times).

Subject: Hurricane Season
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Jun 2005 02:42 AM
Originally Posted: 16 Jun 2005 02:41 AM
Hurricane Season

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you
need a refresher course:

We have entered hurricane season. Right now, you can to turn on the
TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob down in the
Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.. If
you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1:

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2:

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3:

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why
they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll
have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge
you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your
house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
floss.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so.
He lives in Nebraska . . .

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc...

You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming
pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead,
you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your
home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In
addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights - At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.

[Wardad]

Subject: No Child Left Behind...update

"In response to President Bush's Federal "No Child Left Behind Act"(NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. The new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test (FART).

All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades 3, 4 and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART with a score of 80%.
If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language (SMELL).

If, with this increased SMELL program, the students cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation (CRAP).

If, by the age of fourteen, the student cannot FART, SMELL or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students (PRUNES).
It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL or CRAP. This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill101 should help "clear the air" as part of the "No School Left Standing Act."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Just want to make sure I have this clear guys. I'm ok on everything up to the Wormhole, but let me make sure I understand whats happened after: I'm an Akashic Mage, who firmly believes himself to be a Jedi. I'm in a tie fighter, chasing Tremere whos in an X-Wing. We're about 500 yards above Ansalon, being chased by a magicaly enhanced red dragon, with a highly pissed off Raistlin on her back. His pissed because his tower just caught a stray proton torpedo. Oh, and most of Palanthas is a flaming ruin. And none of you see ANYTHING wrong with this?

Man, that game must have been either a hoot or a train wreck.

http://www.rpgsurvey.com/cgi-bin/sur...s&surveyid=601

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Subject: Garden Grass Snakes - DANGEROUS!
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 22 Aug 2005 11:48 PM
Originally Posted: 23 Aug 2005 12:50 AM

Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes.. Thamnophis
sirtalis) can be dangerous .... yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the
wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The
husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the butt.
He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on
the floor. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him
up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded
him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time
the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical
Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He
armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the
couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down
on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between
the cushions, where she! felt the snake wriggling around. She
screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the
neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, he tried to use CPR
to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from
shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's
mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of
canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where
it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he
had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now
the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey, and assumed &! gt;that a drunken fight had occurred. They
were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it
all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and
hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The
table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it
started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through
the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled,
jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved
to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, the
burning drapes were see! n by the neighbors and they called the fire
department, and the arriving fire truck had started raising its
ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore
out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected
the telephones in a ten-square city block area but they did get the
house fire out.

Time passed.

Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired,
the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right
with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the
weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked
his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the
night.

That's when she shot him.

Subject: Christian Humor
Author: Deann Allen
Date: 22 Aug 2005 04:58 PM
Got this from my brother. Enjoy.

D.
--
http://savageheart.blogspot.com/
---------------------------------------

Christian Humor


1. There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========

2. "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========

3. A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========

4. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========

5. While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========

6. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========

7. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

" The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========

8. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========

9. A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========

10. Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========

11. The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
________

Give me a sense of humor,
Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

* * * * * * * * *
Excellent Lesson

One day, a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The Teacher was teaching evolution to the children. The Teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes

TEACHER: Go outside and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see GOD?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. HE just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: TOMMY, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the Teacher?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No.

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have one..........

II CORINTHIANS 5:7 "FOR WE WALK BY FAITH , NOT BY SIGHT"