Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Growltigger]

and will they involve hideous hordes of sex starved tribbles bent on galactic domination?

and has the USS Phong's Head been fitted with a hand brake? I always wanted to pull a U turn at warp 7..

and does my command chair have a big red shiny button that let's me shoot photon torpedoes?

and will the FBWs be wearing those great one piece outfits from the original series that ended abuot a inch below the belt line (and those knee boots)?

and we have Taz as Whoopi Goldberg, Scoffo as Ryker (what a pillock, me as Jean Luc Le Grand Chat.. who else will everyone be? (NB Ragnarok and/or Raging Deadstar are not allowed to be Deanna Troi)....

and do we get to sing "Startrekkin" all the time?

and will we be arrested for boldly going boldly wherre no bold man has boldly been before.. boldly? whilst boldly drinking and being in bold charge of a space cantina??

Bags the holodeck first for a quick knee trembler with the FBWs!!!!!!

[dogscoff]

And who is going to actually fly this thing, given that most of us are drunk most of the time anyway?

[Kamog]

I'll be one of the engineers working under Chief Engineer Erax. I'll be like Barclay, and I'll spend most of my time having fun in the Holodeck, or messing things up when I'm actually doing engineering work.

[Taz-in-Space]

and someone hide the keys to the shuttledeck. The Last time we did one of these, I recall Taz took one for a joyride, discovered time travel via a slingshot round a gas giant and ended up crashing into Siberia some years ago (just before we beamed him out)....

Did I hear this right: I ended up crashing into Siberia just BEFORE I was beamed out?

Now that explains a few things...like:

Taz is Whoopi Goldberg, with funny mediaval princess style conical hat on top of his furry head

And:

Taz, standing behind the bar, dons a purple Whoopee Goldberg outfit complete with big purple hat

Or maybe it was this:

An incandescent ball of light appears on the ceiling of the temporary cantina, lightning arcs out of the ball and earths on the cantina fittings, and on one particular helpless occassion, Taz's head...

Oh well, I guess I've made a little Whoopie in my time...

Here goes - :

I need to order the kitchen to prepare curry, chilli and sauerkraut and lots of fizzy beer

Captain, here is the food you ordered for yourself and the crew. I have taken the liberty to include some Mexican Bean Dip as well! Enjoy!!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

this is definitly one of the times when life should not imatate art. loose wild pet rats are not good.

[Growltigger]

OK, warp engines are on-line, phaser bank are charged, photon torpedoes are ready to go, the fluffy dice are hanging from the helmsman's console..

Barry is in cargo hold 4, trying to squeeze into a red shirt the size of a playing field.

Doctor Geo is testing the FBWs down in sickbay (Dammit I'm a doctor, not a multi-jointed contortionist!), Commander Scoffo is looking strained on the bridge, Patsy the PVC Pervert is on communications, Commander Erax is playing with his spanner in engineering, Lieutenant Kamog is fiddling about in his drawers, Taz is mixing up some extra strong sauerkraut down on ten forward, Power Man is straddling both helm and weapon consoles, Mr S'Katchoo is playing computer games at his science station...

Hmmmm, I guess a navigator is a bit of a luxory on this trip but when he re-surfaces, I nominate David Gervais as I think he could find his backside with both hands which is more than the rest of us, and as for a counsellor, I nominate Gryphin whenever he turns up to the party....

Number 1, set course for Fart Point. Mr Power Man, Warp 5, engage

[dogscoff]

The script of the real episode, for anyone who wants to see what we're ripping the piss out of.

Cue music, cue credits, episode 1 begins:

Bar Trek: The Becks Generation
Episode 1: Encounter at Fartpoint.

voiceover

Short on beer, the crew of the TSSS Phong's Head is travelling to Anus IV to look into the mystery of Fartpoint, a new brewery built by the inhabitants of that planet...

[ April 30, 2003, 10:06: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Jon Luc Le Grand Chat stares out of the window in his private lounge, watching the starfield whizz past and thinking long and hard about how they are going to stop this ship.

Where is the damn first officer when you need him??

The debonaire captain coms Engineer Erax. "Erax, have you wired the sickbay to discharge tachyon particles into it?, Aye captain, I have", says the burly Scottish Brazilian engineer. "Yew can oot the neet whenever ye like captain, but you canna fire tachyon particles in the sickbay, cos that'll have the effect of boiling the testicles on anyone in there".

The captain checks his viewing screen and see that only Doctor Geo is in the sickbay, slugging Jack Daniels back as normal and dreaming of abusing hogs..

"Engineer Erax, one large tachyon burst in the sickbay if you please, make it so"

[Growltigger]

oops, double post but it is amusing to listen to the good doctor screaming in pain..

[ April 30, 2003, 13:28: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[geoschmo]

The sound of a muffled sizzling was quickly replaced by a shieking noise. Dr. Geo looked around for a moment trying to figure out what the noise was, only to realize it was coming from him. He doubled over in pain and dropped to the floor as the FBW's fled sickbay in horror.

The pain subsided quickly and Geo locked the door and crawled up on the nearest bed. As he rested another noise started. A hissing noise as if small ballons were inflating with air. After this came two quiet "pops" one right after the other, and Geo was good as new.

What, you thought heads were the only thing my race can regrow?

[ April 30, 2003, 13:43: Message edited by: geoschmo ]