Jokes and Riddles Centre

[narf poit chez BOOM]

More funnies. A whole lot of funnies:

Subject: the bronze rat
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 29 Oct 2005 04:08 PM
Originally Posted: 29 Oct 2005 05:15 PM
RAT ON!

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Sorting through the objects on display, he discovers a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. He picks it up and asks the shop owner the cost. "Twelve dollars," says the owner, "and a thousand dollars for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he walks faster, but every time he passes another drain, more rats come out and join the parade.

Soon, at least a hundred rats are following him, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, breaking into a trot as the rats swarm from the sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of a hill, he panics and starts to run.

But the rats keep up, squealing hideously, and by the time he reaches the water's edge, he's leading a trail of rats 12 city blocks long. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post and hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay, as far as he can heave it. Clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the shop owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.

Subject: letter of recommendation
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 29 Oct 2005 03:50 AM
Originally Posted: 29 Oct 2005 04:57 AM
Here's a letter of recommendation

"During John's time with us , I have always found him

working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or

gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom

wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always

finishes the given assignment in time. He is always

deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be

found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound

knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be

classed as outstanding, and should on no account be

dispensed with. I strongly feel that he should be

pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be

sent away as soon as possible."

(A second note from the Branch manager followed

"John was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternative lines 1,3,5... for true recommendation

Subject: Real life resumes
Author: ginnilee berger
Date: 28 Oct 2005 09:17 PM
Originally Posted: 28 Oct 2005 10:25 PM
For those of us who have gone through the job-mill recently, it strikes close to home.


Ginnilee
Lady Lavender of Teal

I'm Dear, Sweet & Innocent- just ask my cats!

Actual Lines from Resumes
Job hunting can provide us with some interesting challenges. It can also provide us with some entertainment. The following are excerpts from real resumes and cover letters. Let the ridicule and/or pity begin.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.
I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed—a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.
Special skills: Thyping.
My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
I can play well with others.
Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.
Experience: Provided correct answers to customers' questions.
I can drive heavy duty equipment and trucks up to 25 feet without getting lost.
Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.
Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings.
Special skills: Highly proficient at vacuuming, dusting and moping.
Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
Work best with kids five and under.
Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.
I have happily been a "kept man" for the past 10 years.
Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.
I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.
Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.
I'm inquiring as to weather or not you have any jobs open.
Experience: Completed semester project with a classmate of mind.
While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.
My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.
Hire me and you won't regret it—I am funny, cute, smart and creative... really.
Referees available upon request.
Pursing a position requiring strong communication skills.

Previous rank: Senior instigator.
Work history: Bakery—proactively provided the products with the appropriate fillings, jellies and custards.
Previous experience: Administrative Assitant. Required high detail orentation and acuracy.
Previous rank: Senior instigator.
Looking for an employer that believes in prompting from within.
I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.
Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.
Interests: Music, dancing computers.
Personal achievements: Successfully played "Chop Sticks" on a toy piano with my big toes.
Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.
Strengths: Impersonal skills.
Experience: Cocktail sever.
Honors: Have been named most reliable, most popular and best actor in school.
Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.
Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
Duties: Constant oversight of kennel operations.
Other: Joined the Air Force in 1776.
Vocational plans: Sea World.function sendform(){document.form0.ref.value=document.locat ion;return true;}

Subject: Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 28 Oct 2005 06:13 PM
Originally Posted: 28 Oct 2005 07:20 PM
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)


To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Subject: New income tax form
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 27 Oct 2005 01:09 AM
Originally Posted: 27 Oct 2005 02:16 AM
A TAXING TIME FOR ALL

If you haven't filed yet, just use this new short form W-2-CFSAP:

1. Name: _____________________________________

2. Social Security Number: _______________________

3. How Much Did You Make In 2005: ______________

SEND IT IN!

Signature_____________________________________

Date_________________________________________

[AdmiralMartin]

What your computer does at night... [img]/threads/images/Graemlins/WinLogo.gif[/img]

http://www.justracin.net/is.swf

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Funny.

[Atrocities]

ROFLMAO ------------- FANTASTIC

[Renegade 13]

Read this on another forum:

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSe xPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please

[Renegade 13]

One for the ladies:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate
---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash
Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[AdmiralMartin]

Heard those before, They still make me laugh though

[narf poit chez BOOM]

"Mary?" said Fred.

Something in his voice catching her ear, Mary crossed over to the table. "What is it, Fred?"

"Well," he said, his voice seemingly worried, "It's just something I've been thinking about. About me. And maybe you."

"What?" She asked again. It sounded like a proposition, but at the same time, the voice wasn't right.

"It's just...I think this might be you, too." He said, leaning his arms on the table.

"Yes?" Mary asked, leaning forward instinctively, arms on the table, wishing he would get to the point.

Fred leaned forward even further, brow creased with concered, looked both ways furtively, leaned even closer and whispered "It's just, Mary" he paused "I see dead people."

"Fred" said Mary "you're a mortician. And so am I."

* Runs away Really, Really Fast.

[TurinTurambar]

*hurls something in Narf's direction as he flees the scene

[Wolfman77]

Hurls?!? No, that one requires the plasma missiles.