Jokes and Riddles Centre

[AdmiralMartin]

Basic Rules for Pilots

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

This is either the 13th post or the 11th post. Hmm...(Bad math joke)

This one's from my sister:

>>
> Subject: Should You Be Institutionalised?
>
> >>> Should You Be Institutionalised?
> >>> It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
> >>> this should help get you started.
> >>> During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
> >>> the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
> >>> institutionalised.
> >>> "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
> >>> teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
> >>> empty the bathtub."
> >>>Now pause and think about what you would do?















"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the

> >>> bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
> >>> "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
> >>> want a room with or without a view?"

[AdmiralMartin]

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

[Paladin_SE5]

I thought you might like these (absolutely true) scientific prizes:
http://www.improb.com/ig/ig-pastwinners.html



Some 2005 Ignobel Winners:

PHYSICS: John Mainstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Queensland, Australia, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1927 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, slowly dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years.
REFERENCE: "The Pitch Drop Experiment,"

MEDICINE: Gregg A. Miller of Oak Grove, Missouri, for inventing Neuticles -- artificial replacement testicles for dogs, which are available in three sizes, and three degrees of firmness.
REFERENCES: US Patent #5868140, and the book Going Going NUTS!,

LITERATURE: The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of short stories, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of rich characters -- General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Mariam Sanni Abacha, Barrister Jon A Mbeki Esq., and others -- each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled and which they would like to share with the kind person who assists them.

PEACE: Claire Rind and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University, in the U.K., for electrically monitoring the activity of a brain cell in a locust while that locust was watching selected highlights from the movie " Star Wars."
REFERENCE: "Orthopteran DCMD Neuron: A Reevaluation of Responses to Moving Objects (Locust = Criquet)

ECONOMICS: Gauri Nanda of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, for inventing an alarm clock that runs away and hides, repeatedly , thus ensuring that people DO get out of bed, and thus theoretically adding many productive hours to the workday

CHEMISTRY: Edward Cussler of the University of Minnesota and Brian Gettelfinger of the University of Minnesota and the University of Wisconsin, for conducting a careful experiment to settle the longstanding scientific question: can people swim faster in syrup or in water?
REFERENCE: "Will Humans Swim Faster or Slower in Syrup?"

BIOLOGY: Benjamin Smith of the University of Adelaide, Australia and the University of Toronto, Canada and the Firmenich perfume company, Geneva, Switzerland, and ChemComm Enterprises, Archamps, France; Craig Williams of James Cook University and the University of South Australia; Michael Tyler of the University of Adelaide; Brian Williams of the University of Adelaide; and Yoji Hayasaka of the Australian Wine Research Institute; for painstakingly smelling and cataloging the peculiar odors produced by 131 different species of frogs when the frogs were feeling stressed.
REFERENCE: "A Survey of Frog Odorous Secretions, Their Possible Functions and Phylogenetic Significance,"

NUTRITION: Dr. Yoshiro Nakamats of Tokyo, Japan, for photographing and retrospectively analyzing every meal he has consumed during a period of 34 years (and counting). Japanese picture-taking at it's finest...

FLUID DYNAMICS: Victor Benno Meyer-Rochow of International University Bremen, Germany and the University of Oulu, Finland; and Jozsef Gal of Loránd Eötvös University, Hungary, for using basic principles of physics to calculate the pressure that builds up inside a penguin, as detailed in their report "Pressures Produced When Penguins Pooh -- Calculations on Avian Defaecation."
PUBLISHED IN: Polar Biology, vol. 27, 2003, pp. 56-8




Some of the 2004 winners:
PHYSICS
Ramesh Balasubramaniam of the University of Ottawa, and Michael Turvey of the University of Connecticut and Haskins Laboratory, for exploring and explaining the dynamics of hula-hooping.
REFERENCE: "Coordination Modes in the Multisegmental Dynamics of Hula Hooping,"

CHEMISTRY
The Coca-Cola Company of Great Britain, for using advanced technology to convert ordinary tap water into Dasani, a transparent form of water, which for precautionary reasons has been made unavailable to consumers.

PSYCHOLOGY
Daniel Simons of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Christopher Chabris of Harvard University, for demonstrating that when people pay close attention to something, it's all too easy to overlook anything else -- even a woman in a gorilla suit.

ECONOMICS
The Vatican, for outsourcing prayers to India.

[geoschmo]

This isn't really a joke or riddle, but I think it's hilarious.

A little creative editing can turn any movie into "The feel good hit of the year."

[El_Phil]

I laughed! I cried! I was spiritually uplifited to the depths of my soul!

I also remember something which I now attach.

[TurinTurambar]

Does that mean that the depths of your soul were uplifted, or did you just totally boff that phrase?

[El_Phil]

I was spiritually uplifited to the depths of my soul. I never mention where I started from spiritually....

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Some things from the Baen forums:

WHAT IS REALITY

Well, according to TV and the movies...

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. If being chased, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade (at any time of the year), and if you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. The Chief of Police is always black and will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. (A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite; and during all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe, and most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology but a single match will still be sufficient to light up a room the size of a stadium.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock, and cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage and a man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside; but an electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one and most dogs are immortal.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language as a simple German accent will do. Indeed, when they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

YOU THINK YOU SO SMART... here's "The World's Easiest Quiz"

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes panama hats?
3. Where do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is the purple finch?
9. What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?



GIVE UP?
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November, since the Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria -- Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. He respected Queen Victoria's wish that no future King should be called Albert.
8. Distinctly crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty Years, of course -- from 1618 to 1648.

Subject: Groaner
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 05 Dec 2005 01:54 AM
Originally Posted: 05 Dec 2005 03:04 AM
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract
hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.

Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they
have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a
pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best!

For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous
home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread.
Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

[Randallw]

I feel I must point out that in Australia we call chinese goosebeeries Kiwi Fruit. Then again we call New Zealanders Kiwis.