Jokes and Riddles Centre

[AngleWyrm]

Yea, but can you do THIS? (video clip)

[AngleWyrm]

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished

And before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, 1/2 a bottle of red wine, a small box of chocolates, 3 shots of tequila, a can of cider and some cheese triangles.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Edit:
Picture

[Randallw]

I Found a list of computer RPG cliches. I have only ever played one such game, FFVII, and yet I still recognise every one of them.

Short of copying the entire list here I'll post a link

http://project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html

[Kamog]

That list is quite funny. I recognize a lot of stuff from the Final Fantasy series as well as Luna the Silver Star, Phantasy Star series, etc.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I thought that 'alcohal' one was hilarious - So did my Mom.

My usual copy-paste from the Baen humour forum:

Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Oct 2006 04:50 AM
Sub hunters
While my son Cliff was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE
WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions.

After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally
left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy
sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that
the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the
pilot broke the silence by announcing, "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are
hunting submawenes."
--
"I know now why men who have been to war yearn to reunite. Not to
tell stories or to look at old pictures. Not to laugh or weep on one
another's knee. Comrades gather because they long to be with men who
once acted their best."
Michael Norman's 'These Good Men'.

Subject: DRIVE AROUND, PLEASE
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Oct 2006 04:50 AM



One night J. D. Roberts, an agent for the Drug Enforcement Agency, was
involved in a raid on a drug house that was doing a brisk business in
marijuana sales. He and the other agents were dressed in black "battle"
fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on them. Local uniformed
officers in marked police cruisers also took part in the raid.

Roberts and his team easily entered the house and apprehended the
suspect. Several hundred pounds of marijuana were confiscated without
incident. Within minutes the officers were collecting evidence and
finishing up at the scene.

As Roberts started out the front door, he noticed a pickup truck parked
behind one of the marked police cruisers in front of the house. Two
long-haired individuals got out of the pickup and strolled past the
police cruisers parked in the driveway, then walked up to Roberts and
his partner.

"Hey man, he still selling pot?" Roberts looked at his partner, then
back at the guy. "Yeah, he is. Just go around and knock on the back
door." "Cool." The two men nodded and walked on.

Roberts watched in amazement as the two individuals sauntered around to
the rear of the house. Roberts radioed the officers still inside the
house that they had customers at the back door.

The uniformed officers inside quickly hid while one plainclothes
detective answered the door. The new customers asked where the old
owner was, and the officer explained that the owner had stepped out but
that he could help them.

They requested a fifty-dollar bag of marijuana. The officer went to the
next room, grabbed a handful from the four hundred pounds of pot they
had just confiscated and stuffed it into a plastic bag. The two
customers were ecstatic. They thanked the officer for his generosity.

Roberts and his partner were still in the drive way, still wearing the
black battle fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on their chests,
when the two customers headed back to their pickup, oblivious to the
uniformed officers and the two marked police cruisers in the driveway.

Finally, Roberts walked up to the two satisfied customers and arrested
them. The agents reconfiscated the dope and impounded the pickup - just
as another prospective customer pulled up.

Roberts decided this was too easy to ignore. "We moved the two cruisers
and started putting the impounded vehicles in the back. We make about
fourteen more sales and arrests that night. By the time we were
through, the backyard was filled with cars. It was the darnedest
impromptu sting I've ever seen."

Subject: Groaner
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 Oct 2006 05:14 AM

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The
cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time
with his cymbal clash.

The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect
and that he wouldn't play it as written.

The Music Director told him he either had to play the piece as written,
or he would be kicked off the band. The young man refused, and the
Music Director had no choice but to kick him off the band.

Late, the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he had kicked
the young musician off the band.

He replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."

[Randallw]

This is your brain on drugs.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Dead C'thulhu lies dreaming,
But now he's waking up!
Better leave the planet in a Big Space Ship!
Shippy dip! Ship-shippy dip!
Shippy dip! Ship-shippy dip!
No, I cannot explain. Eldritch pony horrors have captured my mind.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Thought I'd post a LDS joke...You see, some otherwise-pleasant people are convinced we are going to hell...

A man died and, having lived a good life, was met by Saint Peter at the golden gate. So, he was given a tour of heaven so he could pick where he wanted to live.

He was shown towering mountains, beutifull forests, calm lakeside beaches and glorious waterfalls...And then they came upon a sheer cliff.

'What's down there?', the man asked.
'Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell down there', Saint Peter said.
'Well, can't hurt to look', the man said.

So, he looked...Then he turned to Saint Peter and asked 'Are you sure that's hell? It's beutifull - All wheatfields and orchards!'

Saint Peter looked over the side and said...

...'Darnit! Those mormons are cultivating again!'

Ok, so maybe it's a little obscure. But I like it.

[Randallw]

As a Catholic I may disagree with you, and on at least 2 occasions I have actively debated with your brethren, but I find that sort of joke thing uncalled for and frankly offensive but I applaud your ability to shrug it off and make fun of it.

I actually know quite a few Catholic jokes so in the spirit here's one.

Paddy and Sean are working on the road when a protestant minister walks past looks furitively from side to side and then ducks into the local Brothel.
"Look at that, Sean" says Paddy "Filthy protestant ducking into the house of sin. For shame"
Later a Rabbi walks past, and again, looks up and down the road before walking into the brothel.
"There's another of the dirty perverts" says Paddy.
Later a Catholic priest also walks past and as before also enters the Brothel.
"Take your hat off Sean" says Paddy "One of those poor girls is dying"

oh and don't worry. According to this

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hell%2C_Norway

Hell doesn't have Mormons. It's full of Lutherans

Disclaimer: I can see this could get controversial. But in Narfs, and my defense, we are telling jokes about our own religions.

[Randallw]

In an attempt perhaps to get away from a touchy area, here are a few more PC jokes.

"Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

"Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability."

"Three blind mice walk into a bar. They are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from their predicament would be exploitative

Q: What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?
A: "Get in the car."