Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Renegade 13]

School 1967 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant nest.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security and the FBI are called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated; Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.

1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

There is some truth there.

The simple fact is, people are a lot less trusting today. But much of that mistrust is not earned.

Let me put it bluntly: Most of the world doesn't care enough about you to try to rip you off. Sit on the side of the road with a flat tire and eventually someone will help.

Of course, if everyone goes around mistrusting everybody, less people help with flat tires.

Which means that more people mistrust other people.

Interesting, isn't it?

[Randallw]

narf poit chez BOOM said:
Let me put it bluntly: Most of the world doesn't care enough about you to try to rip you off.

Generally one philosophical discussion at a time is enough for me but I see an error in your statement.

If they don't care enough to rip you off then concurrently they won't care enough to want to help.

The problem I see with modern society is people are so self centred and obsessed with their own comfort and appetites, the so called me generation, they don't have time to work together to advance society as a whole.

[capnq]

IMO it's quite poor form to hijack a jokes thread for a political rant, even if I agree with the sentiments.

[Randallw]

oh sorry, I was just replying to Narf. We have a similar discussion in another thread.

[Renegade 13]

Apologies in advance to any blonde women who read this forum!

The blind man...
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Renegade 13]

California DRIVER'S TEST

For those of you who are not "fortunate" (mmm.....not the word I would use) enough to live in California ,here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam.

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in California , you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the California area.

2007 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________ Stage Name:__________________
Agent: ___________________ Attorney:____________________
Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female* [ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
_______________________________________________ (Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*
* If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge

If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test; you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move.

[Renegade 13]

capnq said:
IMO it's quite poor form to hijack a jokes thread for a political rant, even if I agree with the sentiments.

Who, me? That was meant to be the joke, no political rant intended.

Narf said:
Sit on the side of the road with a flat tire and eventually someone will help.

Not always true. I had a flat tire a couple weeks ago, and spent 2.5 hours on the side of the road trying to replace it (the old tire was rust-welded to the axel)...and not a single person stopped. Hundreds of vehicles passed, not a single one stopped.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I've seen people stop to help others.

[Renegade 13]

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

===============

Worm Demonstration
A priest decides to demonstrate virtue with four earthworms. At the beginning of his sermon, he places the first into a jar of whiskey, the second into a jar of tobacco, the third into a jar of deep fryer grease, and the fourth into a jar of dirt. At the end of the sermon, the worm in the whiskey is DEAD! The worm in the tobacco is DEAD! The worm in the grease is DEAD! The worm in the dirt is alive and happy. The priest asks the congregation, "what can we conclude from this demonstration?"

Little Johnny yells from the back, "As long as we continue to drink, smoke, and eat fried foods, we'll never get worms!"

===============

(No offense intended to anyone of the following national groups...it's just so funny I had to share )

Terror Alert
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross " Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.