Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[dogscoff]

In command of the bridge while the Captain carries out various "training excercises" in the ready room, the first officer is suddenly interrupted from his contemplation by his old flame, the as yet uncast counsellor Schmoi. She seems to be in some discomfort.

Schmoi: "My strange and mysterious half-alien sensitivity is picking something up. It's just too awful to describe."
Number 1: "What is it? Are you empathically feeling some kind of overwhelmingly deep grief from an unknown source? Or are you aware of the presence of some super-powerful, God-like intelligence studying us?"
Schmoi: "No, the planet we're flying towards stinks of sh!t."
Number 1: "Captain to the bridge. Erax, I need you to re-modulate the shields to screen out nasally offensive radiation. Can it be done?"

[ April 30, 2003, 14:40: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog Stardate half past three GMT

I am worried that the inactivity in the TSSS Phong's Head is making my crew even more lazy than usual. We need an alien infestation to liven them up before we reach Fart Point.

Even better, just beaming in Rags and Raging Deadstar for a quick phaser fight and kicking will do the trick....

Captain Slog to Mr S'Katchoo, switch sensors onto wide sweep to locate Rags or RD

[Power Man]

As the Mighty TSSS Phong's Head enters the Anus star system, Power Man activates the Aromatic Atom ANALyzer to scan and diagram the system. Using this AAA map he then plots a path to Fart Point.
With a series of deft button pushes and turns the Phong's Head makes it way into the system.
(OK everyone you know the drill. Lean Left, now Right, now Left.. NO Right.)

The ship skims past the Twin MOONS, navigates the thick ASSteroid belt and fully Penetrates the Anus star system. (Are we still rated PG 13 yet??)

The ship arrives at the Planet Anus IV. It appears to be a Class S (for Stinky) planet. Thick blue clouds of methane and other aromatic atoms cover the planet. Power Man adjusts the shields to "Lemon Fresh" to block the worst of the nasally offensive radiation.

"Standard orbit achieved Captain. We are directly over Fart Point Station.
I suggest we orbit in a "nose high" attitude to avoid the worst of the smell.

[Erax]

"Chief Engineer to the Bridge. Cap'n, I suggest we move her up to a higher orbit. At this altitude, all it takes is one wee bit of unreacted plasma from our nacelles into the upper atmosphere of Anus IV and we light up Fart Point on a grand scale."

[Raging Deadstar]

*As the TSSS Phongs head begins to hover in orbit Of Anus IV they don't know they are being watched by a cloacked ship. It's sleek shape unnoticeable to the naked eye as the suns ray are diverted from it. it slowly moves closer and closer towards the Phongs head before decloaking and firing it's tractor beams. It's a sleek bird like ship, commanly known as a Deadstar Anathema class. The Anathema drags the phongs head closer and closer before a group of 50 Deadstar boarding soldiers are ejected into space. They were genetically modified humans, strong, accurate and could breathe in a vacumn. They begin the task of breaking into the TSSS Phongs Head and eventually breach the hull and begin to take over the ship. The Anathema goes to warp 5 and disapears into the void of space. Meanwhile the TSS phongs crew have to defend their ship from being taken over by the invading Deadstar boarding parties...*

I'm guessing the red shirt ensigns will wound and kill more of themselves than my guys. Anyway this should wake the crew up!

[geoschmo]

Grmph, whu Huh?

BWEEEEEEE BWEEEEEEEE BWEEEEEEEE

Dr. Geo is awakened from his fitfull slumber on the recovery bed to the sound of the red alert klaxon followed by several thuds which he felt through the hull plating more then he heard. Suddenley the ship lurched and he was thrown from the bed to the floor.

"Dammit, I'm a doctor not a crash test dummy" he grumbled to himself and started to reach for the intercom and find out what the heck was going on "up there".

Before he could the sickbay doors opened and several redshirts ensigns came limping in, leaning on each other for support and suffering from nearly identical phaser wounds to their big toes.

"Hmm, we must have an intruder. Either that or security is having target practice again." With that Dr. Geo began quickly tending to the wounded.

[Erax]

"Engineering to Bridge. Cap'n, our ship has more holes in it than the Aberdeen defense. Lieutenant Kamog, get yer down here on the dooble."

Erax and Kamog start working on the cargo transporters, modifying them to pick up intruders within the ship and beam them to Barry's cargo bay.

"Cap'n, I believe we have a gude show playing on the Cargo Bay 4 channels."

[Katchoo]

Mr S'Katchoo: "Captain, Intruders in Cargo Bay 5, the lounge, the Recording Studio, Pee Wee's Playhouse, and the Brewery!"

Suddenly one of the intruders breaks onto the bridge. Acting quickly, Mr S'Katchoo grabs the intruder's genetically modified "nether regions" and squeezes. The intruder promptly drops to the ground in agony.

Upon seeing this the rest of the crew all cringe in unison and cross their legs.

Mr. S'Katchoo: "Captain, shall I call in the Ship's Band to play something dramatic while we repell the boarders?"

[Power Man]

As more intruders break onto the bridge Power Man ducks behind the nave station.
"You want Dramatic Music, I have the music ."
Power Man turns up the amps on his suit's CD player.

BWA DUM…. BAW DUM… BWA DUM DELE DUM …

The stirring Trek Battle theme (track 42) BLARES forth.

This causes the intruders to grab their genetically modified, and sensitive, ears and scream in Agony.
Power Man then pulls from his suit his Large, Powerful, Amazing, Long,
Phase Energy Pistol (what were thinking I'd be pulling out??) and proceeds to Stun (see how Non-violent I'm being.) the intruders.
Soon Erax beams them off the bridge and into Barry's cargo bay.

"Captain I have re-set the shields to "Repellent" to keep out any more intruders.
I'll activate all battle sensors and try to spot the one who did this to us."

All over the ships surface small metallic globes open up. These "Steely Eyes" (anti-cloak sensors level 10) will keep a watch for the "Return Of RD" .

And now a word from our sponsors …….

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog, Stardate 12.38 and almost lunch time (mine's a pint).

My orders are to examine the brewery at Fartpoint on Planet Anus IV. The inhabitants have apparently been brewing some really cracking ale that has the added side effect of giving its drinkers X ray vision. It apparently is also the cause of chronic flatulence in the inhabitants of that planet, the build up of methane is threatening to destabilise the magnetosphere of that planet. Planet Anus IV is really in danger of disappearing up its own backside.

I am becoming better acquainted with my new command, this "Cantina" class TSSS Phong's Head. I am still somewhat in awe of its size and complexity, but I have managed to find the boy's cloakroom, the captain's bar and my own shower, although what the button marked "old Faithful" in that shower does is worrying me.

My crew are short in several positions, after all, my first officer is only 4 foot 2" tall. Taz is doing his best in ten forward, although a diet of tribble wings is getting a little tiresome. Our science officer is worrying me, he turned up for duty in red taffeta this morning, whilst singing Jimmy Sommerville hits. I have also had to staple our weapon officers hands to his legs to stop him firing the phasers at anything that moves..

Engineering seems to have disappeared. No-one has seen our doctor either, or the FBWs for that matter.

I have one query, how do we stop this ship?