320.2! 301.5, 311.3, 65.4

[Ragnarok]

Here's one of the lamest jokes I've ever heard.

"Q: What do CD players use to stop the CD's from turning?"

"A: Disc Breaks"

How lame is that?!

Here's a pretty good one though. A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

No offense to blondes on my part of course.

[Lemmy]

The truck driver is sitting at a red light. The blonde in the lane
next to him is motioning for him to roll down his window. It's a
cold day, so he rolls down the window reluctantly. The blonde
says: "Hey, mister truck driver.... you're losing part of your
load!"

The truck driver ignores her, rolls up his window and drives away.
Pretty soon, he stops a another red light and the blonde catches
up to him again.
She again motions for him to roll down his window, but he ignores
her until she starts blowing her horn.

Finally, he rolls down his window and says, "What do you want now?"

The blonde replies, "I told you, you're losing part of your load!!"

The trucker rolls up his window and pulls away from the light.
Sure enough, he catches the next light red, too. This time the
blonde jumps out, runs around her car and pounds on his door,
yelling "Don't you care that you're losing your load???"

The trucker rolls down his window and says, "Fer Pete's sake lady,
it's a SALT TRUCK!"

[Growltigga]

Some bad jokes so you lot dont forget me when I am sitting in the tropics, sunning myself by the pool, surrounded by tanned bikini clad beauties watching the nice little chong-sam'd number bringing me a rather alcoholic looking drink with an umbrella in it

Here goes and apologies if any of these offend:

"Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bottom goes to the doctor. The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Answer phone message "....If you want to buy some weed, press the hash key...."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls@@@ before

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" Last week .... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five ahem, todgers." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your troUsers fit?" "Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and go to bed.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together afterwards, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"How was it for you?"
The man says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

I thank yew, I thank yew

[ August 23, 2002, 10:23: Message edited by: Growltigga ]

[sparhawk]

WHAT IS HAPPENING.

are we switching the name of the tread every day??????

number 164

sparhawk

[dogscoff]

Q: What goes "ooooo!"?

A: A cow with no lips...

[sparhawk]

Q: Wat zegt een kip die tegen een lantaarnpaal oploopt?

A: tok

Sparhawk

Sorry guys, I don't now any english jokes, so here's a dutch joke

[Lemmy]

lol, a new name, i almost missed it.

So this is like hide and seek now, but with this thread

[Growltigga]

I thought I understood Dutch but what does "lantaarnpaal oploopt" mean

[Trajan]

DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!

[Lemmy]

I thought I understood Dutch but what does "lantaarnpaal oploopt" mean

"een kip die tegen een lantaarnpaal oploopt?" =
"a chicken that walks against a streetlight(or lamppost?"