Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog stardate 12.01 GMT

After, ahem, interviewing the dancing leather clad sheep in my ready room, I arranged for their permanent installation in cargo bay 1. I had noticed that the air was getting a big green in the cargo bay, but was amazed when all the methane appeared to be sucked out of the ship and down to a fortress buried under a mountain range on Fart Point.

Given that the Away Team has been silent for the Last few hours, and was a bit incoherent before that, I assume that our brave away team has succumbed to methane poisoning.

This evidence of hostile intentions, together with the laceration of the PEE tube sent up by the planet, leads me to believe that the natives of Fart Point are not friendly.

Given the absence of communication, I must assume that our away team are dead.

My course of action is clear, the Prime Directive (as amended and supplemented by the Growltigga Directive and the Hussein Codicil), requires me to revenge any unprovoked assault upon Galactic Federation starships.

Mr S'Katchoo, you are now acting weapons officer in the absence of our dearly departed Mr Power Man and for the strange silence of Mr Dogscoff.

Sound red alert, bring the ship to battle stations, raise shields, charge phaser banks, load and arm all photon torpedoes, rig the shuttles as ground assault craft, arm all marines with ground attack weaponry and make sure the "planet buster" bombs are ready for launch. Make it so.....

Miss Patsy, please signal the mayor of Fart Point that they are now at war with the Galactic Federation. advise him that he has 5 minutes to hand back my away team, and to deliver the perpetrator of the PEE assault and methane sucking
to our transporter room in chains and mildly beaten.. tell him that failure to comply will result in termination of the planet with extreme prejudice

No methane breathing stinky wizended shindle shanked old tosspot sucks the sheep out of my ship.....

[Taz-in-Space]

...Gradually recovering from his overzealous 'Taste-testing' of the liquid refreshments, Taz waits for the couch he is on to 'drop-out-of-warp' and stop spinning.

While he is waiting he thinks back on the experience. Fascinating how all the booze seemed to become whatever you were thinking about at the time. And that bar - wonder if that can fit in the PEE tube for the return 'beam-out'?

Suddenly Taz is assaulted by the most lethal-sounding noise imaginable: The Infamous Juicy Fruit Theme Song.

Jolted into action, Taz staggers to his feet and activates his communicator.

"Taz to Captain: Some fiend is using Banned WMD's
(Weapons of Mass Deafening) on us. Request you beam us and the nearby bar to safety."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

suddenly, a hoard of drunken rats attacks the doors of the recovery room.
your still in the recovery room, except for power man, right?

[mac5732]

The wise one stares at his spy screens which show the anitquated ship above, raising shields and bringing weapons on line. "Well now it seems these infernal, pesky, intruders are preparing for some type of aggressive infatuation with our illustirious FartPoint. Ok, if thats what they want, heheheehhe, then they shall reap that which they attempt to sow.. ahahahhah, laughs the wizen old one.

At that moment, LH#69 enters the inner sanctum of the control room and reports that she has received a message over the inter galactic express communicator. Apparently a group of what appears intelligent beings are requesting a get together to help irradicate the musky ones cluttering up our space. That is most obliging of them replys the Old Great One, send them that we accept their kind offer and to submit those lucious sounding LH clones immediatly. LH#69 rushes back to her communications room.

LH #2, make sure our screens, weapons, and the secret ooze weapon are on line and ready to commence there most destructive implementation upon them the minute that old rust bucket up there fires.

The old one records a message for LH#69 to send to this supposed Jean luc le Grand Chat Kat .

LH#69 sends the following msg to the ship above

There is nothing either intrinsically right or intrinsically wrong about liberty or slavery, democracy or autocracy, freedom of action or complete regimentation. It seems to us here on FartPoint that the greatest measure of happinsess and of well being for the greatest number of entities, and therefore the optimum advancement toward whatever sublime goal it is toward which this cycleof our existence is trending in the vast and unknownable scheme of things is to be obtained by securing for each and every individual, the greatest amount of mental and physical freedom compatible with the public welfare. We of Fartpoint warn you that any interruption of these fundamentals upon any of our race shall be construed as an act of war which shall be profusely pursued against those perpetrators of such despicable actions...
"LH69 Send it.

The humble old gentelman presses a switch on his console which in turn lets loose the unestimatable power of the bartookis beam, which snatchs the bar and ales from the landing party and returns it to within the confines of the immense fortrress.

In addition, he pushes another button which sends out a small pointent beam at the turncoat mayor, ZAP, mayor no more... heheheh

LH"3, what is the status on our cloaked fleet of Battlemoons? They are cloaked and directly above and below the intruder sir, she replys. The old one leans back, releases some essance of methane modules, and smiles......

[Kamog]

Yeah! Juicy Fruit!

Kamog runs to the replicator, creates a few dozen packs of Juicy Fruit gum and starts handing them out to every crew member.

Come on, let's sing along... Juicy Fruit, the taste is gonna move ya...

[narf poit chez BOOM]

[and there's still a kareoke machine somewhere. hehehehe.]

[Power Man]

Power Man continues to “Trek” through the halls of Fart Point. As he turns a corner a Old Fart worker (who looks like an old movie star.. Charly or Charleton something) crashes into him. The poor fellow is clearly upset. He shouts:
I just found out something Just Nasty!!
“Sol-Ent” Green ale … IT’s Made From People.. PEOPLE !!
The poor sodden Sot runs off down the corridor. He clearly has gone “rownd the Bend!”

Power Man suddenly remembers he “borrowed” Gwaihir‘s tricorder. “I can use that to find a way out of here. “
He turns it on and begins to scan the area.
“WHAT ?? This thing is telling me there is a “+30 Goblin warrior” just down to hall. It is also showing me that there is chest with a +12 “helm of protection” behind me.

Wait... This thing is stuck in “Game Mode” It looks like I am in the middle of the game “NeverWinter Nights”.

Power Man fiddles with the controls trying to turn off the game. Finally he simply drop-kicks the tricorder across the floor. This causes the device to be “Re-Booted”. After a short time for memory checks, hardware checks, device driver loading and Finally a musical “Bling Bong Blong” the screen displays a list of program icons to chose from.
The list includes Games, Phaser, Scanner, Shocker, Still More Games. (I’ll have to get Gwaihir to load some of these on My system).

PM selects Scanner and starts Really scanning the area.

Power Man is filled with “Raging Dread” at what he sees. There is Much More to the Fart Point station than appears on the surface.

Power Man pulls out his communicator:

Power Man to Taz, I am glad to hear that you have woke up (recovered) . I have been looking around this place. There is something “Big a Foot” going on around here. Be on the lookout for Anything!!

Power Man to The Great, All Powerful, Yada Yada Yada, Captain Growltigga (Ya I am still “Sucking up”) : I have cleverly discovered (got lost in) a Vast underground area of Fart Point. I have discovered a vast amount of Organic Tech and other items.
There Must be “Other Forces” at work here. Captain there is no way those Old Farts could have made this place.
I urge you to calm down and reconsider any “Rash” Actions against Anus IV.
Why don’t you order up some of that “Milk, Guernsey White, Warm” you like so much, and take a “Chill Pill” to cool off your Fiery Furry temper.
The whole Federation and all Tigga Kind may be “Judged” by what you do next.

Power Man traces out a “root” that will lead him out of the Bowels of Fart Point.
“Lets see now I go Left, then Right, then Left again.. Boy this is just like driving the ship. I should be back with the Team in one or two Posts!!”

(There, that should be enough “Plot Points” for now.)

Keep on Trekking…

[Taz-in-Space]

The humble old gentleman presses a switch on his console which in turn lets loose the unestimatable power of the bartookis beam, which snatchs the bar and ales from the landing party and returns it to within the confines of the immense fortrress.

Taz watches as the Bar and Booze are both beamed somewhere...but obviously not by the TSSS Phong's Head!

"Uhhh, never mind Captain about the beam-out. I'll stay here and check out a few things."

suddenly, a hoard of drunken rats attacks the doors of the recovery room.

As Taz was about to wake the remainder of the landing party, he hears the rats begin their assault on the room's door.

"Hmmm, I believe I hear Tribble Wings 'on the hoof'!" he mutters to himself

Taz sets his 'Mask' pistol to Allegiance SubVersion. (How else did you think he got the makings of tribble wings in the OLD Cantina?)

With a WHOOSH, Taz opens the door wide and shoots the rats. Even an unusually large skinny one at the rear of the pack. (He also just missed what appeared to be a fat big-headed one who runs off.)

Power Man to Taz, I am glad to hear that you have woke up (recovered) . I have been looking around this place. There is something “Big a Foot” going on around here. Be on the lookout for Anything!!

Taz doesn't understand why anyone would want to meet Big Foot. However he acknowledges the message anyway.

Taz tells all the rats, except the large skinny one, to sleep it off in the room.
He then tells the big skinny one to lead him to wherever the bar has gone.

[mac5732]

LH#10 sitting at her spy beam station, keeps an eye on the landing party from the surrounded ship above, she notices the funny looking whirlwind following a skinny rodent towards the fortress. She presses the hot switch which puts her into instant contact with 'The Wise One'. She explains what is going on. The Wise One in turn calls LH#1 who is in charge of security. LH#1, notify our mobile assault team, Have them go out and retreave the whirlwind. LH#1, activates internal security and 25 armored and fleet of foot Britney Spears and Shania Twain Clones immediatly set out to capture and bring to bay the oncoming furball.

She also put on notice the Lopez and Kyle Armored assault Clones for possible ship board assault in case the master decides to board the ship.

Meanwhile over in the fortress cantina, the overhead speakers were picking up some sort of ritualistic singing coming from inside the ship, something about "Does you chewing gum lose its flavor over nite", all the clones looked at each other but then started to sing along to the catchy tune.... What next will those despotic demons above come up with to ruin our poor Fart planet. Now they are sending out their ritualistic music...

[Gwaihir]

More thoughts drift through Gwaihir's fevered brain . . .

"That tricorder, that one had . . . it had . . . the program for the Phaser attachment . . . the old Version . . . oh no, i meant to delete that! . . . without the phaser piece, the one thats on my workbench in my room . . . it gives a loud "phaser unit not attached" error message . . . and about half the time it falls into an infinite loop saying that until you rip out the power cell . . . I sure hope no one tries to use it, especially if they are trying to be stealthy! . . . "

::Sorry for the confusion, Powerman, I have a couple (read: way too many) 'corders (I collect and repair/cannibalize busted equipment) . . . the phaser stuff is on board. Still, have fun! ::