320.2! 301.5, 311.3, 65.4

[Loser]

I am officially in my late twenties...

woot

[narf poit chez BOOM]

woot. happy birthday to you.

[Wardad]

Happy Birthday. woot

here's to ur edycation....

50 Plus THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE SCREEN. ALL OF LIFE'S MYSTERIES ARE ON YOUR TV!!

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

People of TV never finish their drinks.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

The chief of police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

All single women have a cat.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boat in an accident.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.


And here are some more for the list:

51. If a man chews gum, he will be killed, but if a woman chews gum she will be laid.

52. TV telephones ring more frequently than real life phones.

53. When you turn a TV, it comes on at the start of a news story, not at the end or during a commercial.

54. Walking by yourself in the dark always leads to disaster.

55. All watches and clocks are syncronized to the second.

56. Building ventilation ducts are always clean.

57. Corollary to 15. If you loose an arm, your chest will expand on the same side.

58. No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.

[Kamog]

It is possible to build bombs by using stuff found in a kitchen, like peanut butter and oven cleaner.

If you train to be a ninja, you can do a standing jump from the ground onto a roof.

When deactivating a time bomb, there will always be a red and blue wire, one of which shuts off the bomb if cut, and the other which makes the timer count down super fast.

If somebody fires a laser, you will see a bar of light fly through the air and hit the target.

All phone numbers begin with 555.

Every single person who lives in Hong Kong knows kung fu.

When running away from a dangerous killer, a teenager will always clumsily stumble and fall.

If an animal is exposed to radiation, it never just gets cancer or dies, it always mutates into a giant monster.

There is a taxi conveniently available whenever you need one.

If you have a set of samurai swords in your living room, somebody will always break in and try to steal them.

In every kung fu school, there is always a rack of pole arms and spears which nobody ever uses, but if a fight ever breaks out, the rack is the first thing that gets knocked over.

Martial arts students don't ever have to work for a living. All they do is train every day and occasionally get into a fight.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

all guns have an infinite supply of amunition.

any railing will stop bullets - as long as your the hero.

yes, you can dodge bullets.

never pick up a weapon in a martial arts fight. if you do, it means you die.

[deccan]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:

never pick up a weapon in a martial arts fight. if you do, it means you die.

Don't know about this. Jackie Chan is famous for improvising with weapons isn't he?

[President_Elect_Shang]

I was laughing to hard to finish reading, but did anyone include:

All aliens want to conquar the Earth becouse they burnt out their home planet.

All intelligent machines want to exterminate mankind.

[Suicide Junkie]

Originally posted by deccan:

quote:

---

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:

never pick up a weapon in a martial arts fight. if you do, it means you die.

Don't know about this. Jackie Chan is famous for improvising with weapons isn't he?

---

A gun, at least. For every random non-weapon item you use in the fight, your chance of success increases.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

perhaps 'bladed weapon' would be more accurate. although it only applies to some martial arts movie's. in other's, bladed weapons are fair game.

[TerranC]

Originally posted by deccan:

quote:

---

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:

never pick up a weapon in a martial arts fight. if you do, it means you die.

Don't know about this. Jackie Chan is famous for improvising with weapons isn't he?

---

Bruce Lee is famous for improvising with weapons. Haven't you ever seen that picture with Bruce holding 2 Nunchuks(sp?)?