Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by Raging Deadstar:
...but if boldly going where no artist has went before, drinking new beer and finding luscious alien girls to bonk is more your thing, go with Growltigga!

aaaah the grass is always greener in GT's camp...

I'm now setting a course to planet Minogue2 where we will all be able to take a tour of the Kylie Clone Factory. Once we get there, remember the red zone is for the imediate loading and unloading of Kylie Clones only, Please keep on the yellow path through the factory.

I have a nifty new gadget to help me navigate, it's called a 'Warp-Point Generator Mark-V' It allows me to open a warp point to anywhere in the known universe. (I would have purchased a Mark-X but that model opens a warp-point to anywhere in the UnKnown Universe [and randomly at that] So the Mark-V is much safer for a rookie navigator like myself

Cheers!

[Growltigger]

The camera pans over an orbital view of the swirling methane clouds of Anus IV. The camera pans out to reveal the sleek but battered lines of the TSSS Phong's Head, navigation lights twinkling in the darkness of space.

Captain Slog stardate 13.54 GMT, the facade of the TSSS Phong's Head being a rustbucket has gone on long enough, we are at battle stations, it is time to de-cloak and reveal our true selves...

Space shimmers and the TSSS Phong's Head is now revealed as the most be-weaponed, tough, vicious and all-out nastiest starcruiser in the history (or future) of galactic warfare.. the "go-faster stripes", fluffy dice hanging off the nacelles and quad exhausts just go to highlight the multiple turrets and launchers....... and the flashing lights of the disco kicking off in Ten Forward

Captain to Lieutenant Commander Power Man, good man, flattery gets you everywhere, keep up the good work. We need to get to the bottom of the mystery of Fart Point. I suspect collusion from the evil Dead Star Continuumumumumu......

Power Man, try and find out what has happended to the other members of the away team... I am aware that Guinan, I mean Taz has been kidnapped, and we are currently checking the starship for intruders as Mr S'Katchoo has obviously been interfered with (and wont stop grinning anyhow).....

Where is my first officer? I need him to hold the fort whilst I launch a counter strike against the nasty old bugger in his fortress......

Security, assemble the martial horde of Salma Hayek and Liv Tyler lookalike security personell, make sure they are armed "for bear" and meet me in the transporter room...

Captain Growltigga puts on his super-duper impregnable powered armour suite, and grabs his trusty cricket bat which doubles as a phaser cannon....

Suddenly, alarms go off round the ship "Awooga Awooga, small hollow beam trying to stick methane into the TSSS Phong's Head". GT and the security force charge to wear the beam has struck, and using the beam as ingress, transport into the mountain fortress of the evil Mac....

The Federation assault company materialises in a strange dark undergorund auditorium. Mac is sitting in his command chair in front of a circle of sand, kind of like the bullfighting arena at Ronda........

Mac panics when he sees the Federation troops and the mighty Growltigga.. He hits the sprinkler system which turns the sand into a sea of mud..... he calls for reinforcements and a horde of Liz Hurley, Britney Spears and Shania Twain clones rush into the auditorium......

Growltigga sees his moment, and orders his troops to charge..... the camera pans back (kind of like that bit in the Fellowship of the Ring when the goblins are chasing the fellowship in Moria) as the legions of Liz Hurley, Shania Twain, Britney Spears, Salma Hayek and Liv Tyler lookalikes charge towards each other screaming and yelling through the mud...

Growltigga also seees his moment and pulls out a disrupt-o bomb. This explodes with the effect of disintegrating all the weaponry and clothing the girls have.....

"So" Growltigga says as he sidles up to Mac, "what we have is about 2,000 assorted beauties rolling about in mud wrestling with each other and all stark naked"...."Yep" says Mac

"Damn good isn't it" says Growltigga, "this is why I joined Starfleet"

The chaps gaze on silently at the truly beautiful sight in front of them......

[Power Man]

Power Man and his Team are winding their way deep into the Guts of Fart Point.

"Power Man to Captain Growltigga: Thanks for the Promotion. You have really Raised My Spirits. "
I would like you to beam poor Gryphin directly to six bay. It seams that he is not recovering from all of his hard work. I know that the "Good Doctor" may get upset when he sees the "Old Bird".
He will probably say something like "Darn It folks I am a Doctor, Not a VET!!" But with this crew, doctor and vet are the same thing."
With that, Gryphin is beamed back to the ship.

Suddenly the tricorder shows 20 "+10 Large Brewery Rats" approaching the Team. "OK Team spread out. Set your phasers to "Full ZAP" and "fire at Will" (good thing Will is not here).
The rats surprise the team when they start firing Back!
Their strange rays hit the two red Shirts (who else?? Certainly not me, I am a Regular Character!! )

The two red shirts are transformed into Pink shirts. They start mincing about, and complaining about the terrible room décor and the smelly rats (who they continue to ZAP).

They are hit again. This time they transform into Yellow shirts. They start Screaming and running all around. They leave yellow puddles every where. They start Zapping everything.

They are hit again. This time they are turned into Very large Green Shirts. With a booming "HO HO HO"
They happily start stomping the Rats into "Ratta ca-Blooie". Boy do they look all Jolly, Green, and Giant.
Soon all the Rats are gone. The team continues on.

They finally reach the Deepest Darkest smelliest Pit at Fart Point.
"Captain: We have found something. We are just outside of a large Pit. We can see several large machines that appear to be penetrating deeply into Anus IV. The tricorder is picking up high levels of radioactivity."
Captain I can see "Dead People Walking" around the machines.
You are right there is collusion from the evil "Dead Star Continuumumumumu...... "

Captain I think Fart Point is being used to mine radioactives. As a "buy"-product it produces huge amounts of methane and many types of alcoholic beverages that the Old Farts are selling at the " fake Brewery".

There is so little light and power down here I can't see much more. If there was only a way to "shed some light on the subject" we could quickly wrap up this whole episode.

I am glad that you and the Major have opened up a dialogue. Nothing like "2000 assorted beauties rolling about in mud wrestling with each other and all stark naked" to get two chaps wanting a little "piece - I mean- peace"

[ May 12, 2003, 16:57: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Growltigga to Brigadier General Imperator of the Universe and Il Duce of the Galaxy Power Man. You can have all the promotions you want... if you see that mayor, tell him to come on down to Mac's cavern, the view down here is just fantastic...

and as for violence, how on earth could any red-blooded male consider brawling with his enemies when he is viewing Salma Hayek holding Britney Spears in a half nelson, whilst Shania Twain and Liv Tyler and entwined in what I think is a old phoenician wrestling hold and Liz Hurley is rubbing her inner thighs where Liv Tyler kicked her.... and all this repeated about 400 times.....

Mac and me are enjoying a moment of entente cordial..... as well as a couple of good brewskis...

Growltigga to Phong's Head, stand down from red alert, go to yellow alert and send me down my video-recorder

[narf poit chez BOOM]

uh, taz did not kidnap me. he kidnapped one of my rats. narf, as i should have posted before, left the planet after selling all his pet rats. when he gets back he's going to be real mad about the mistreatment of his rats too. i mean, TRIBBLE WINGS? these are gentle pets! and turning some of them into geneticly engineered attack rats...

[Taz-in-Space]

...Watching from his cell overlooking Mac's auditorium, Taz has a ringside seat to Mac's & GT's Mud Fight of the Century!

Making good use of the cell's replicator, Taz creates a few boxes of popcorn, a couple bottles of liquid refreshment, a pair of high power binoculars, and a stereo set playing the Rocky III theme song. (Unfortunately he shorts out the unit trying to replicate a sofa )

Nothing better then being there while history is being made!

when he gets back he's going to be real mad about the mistreatment of his rats too. i mean, TRIBBLE WINGS? these are gentle pets! and turning some of them into geneticly engineered attack rats...

Now wait a sec. At no time, while filming this episode, has Taz harmed a single animal. Taz merely converted their allegiance -
See? No worse than your average politician.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

taz will get one whack, then

[Growltigger]

Growltigga and Mac whisper to each other for a few moments, before nodding and reaching agreement.

With a flamboyant wave, Mac triggers again the sprinkler system and turns on a supersized stereo with some cool flamenco and salsa tunes on it....

The mud is washed off the brawling horde of beeeeyewwwwwtiful young ladies as they continue to scrap in the wet....

Mac and Growltigga turn to each other and shake hands, a treaty is reached and the Galactic Federation, and Mac, Galactic Overlord of Fart Point are now the best of chums......

Now all we need is a triumphal party, we have the music, we, ahem, have dancing partners..., we have a planet full of top booze, thanks to Taz and Narf we have stacks of kentucky fried rodent, we have managed to lose that daft first officer of mine, Mr Ryker, I mean Mr Dogscoff, what else could we possibly need?

[dogscoff]

we have a planet full of top booze, thanks to Taz and Narf we have stacks of kentucky fried rodent, we have managed to lose that daft first officer of mine, Mr Ryker, I mean Mr Dogscoff, what else could we possibly need?

Dogscoff, suddenly and temporarily recovered, teleports in with a crate of "stayalert" stimulant pills and a bucket of viagra.

[Growltigger]

Captain Growltigga activates his teleportation redirection field... Commander Dogscoff is immediately redirected to the Fart Point Homes for Aging Ladies of the Night.....

The said ladies, deprived of any, ahem, business for quite a while and suffering from several years of sensory deprivation, are duped into believing that Commander Dogscoff is actually a good looking chap clutching a large amount of viagra....

Camera fades to ending credits for Episode 1 Encounter at Fart Point amid the sounds of Commander Dogscoff being pounced upon by some right old minging boilers!!

What's the next episode "No loo roll - the TSSS PHong's Head encounters the Klingons"?