Jokes and Riddles Centre

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Wardad:
OK GEO,
How about
> >Ohio: 2 days of Sunshine State

I don't know. That might work for Washington. Ohio doesn't have a reputation for not getting any sun. On the contrary it can be pretty hot and brutal here in the with the humidity. The midwest weather does change quite often and quickly though. Along those lines you might say something like...

Ohio: Half the time it's sunny, half the time it's rainy, and half the time it's snowing.

Or

Ohio: Springtime in Ohio. It's the best week of the year!

[ August 06, 2003, 18:55: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[Wardad]

In D.C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog isin the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap."

[Wardad]

Different states
>
> You Live in California when...
>
> 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
> 2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
> 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
> 4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
> 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
> 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how
> long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
>
> You Live in New York City when...
> 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
> 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
> Building.
> 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
> Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
> 4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
> 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
> makes you multi-lingual.
> 6. You've worn out a car horn.
> 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
>
> You Live in Maine when...
> 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
> 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
> 3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
> 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
> 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
> construction.
>
> You Live in the South when...
> 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
> 2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
> 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
> 4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
> 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue,
>
> Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
>
> You live in Colorado when...
> 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
> 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
> stops at the day care center.
> 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
> 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
>
> You live in the Midwest when...
> 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
> 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
> 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
> 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
> 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It
> was different!"
>
> You live in Florida when...
> 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
> 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
> 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
> 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
> 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
>
>
> You live in Arizona when . . .
> 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
> 2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door
> or the steering wheel.
> 3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot
> water in the toilet bowl.
> 4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
> 5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
> 6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities.
> 7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
> 8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
> 9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU
> KIDDING ME??!!
> 10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in
> the face when you open your oven door.
>
>

[Loser]

Originally posted by Wardad:
> You live in Colorado when...
> 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
> 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
> stops at the day care center.
> 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
> 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

Sounds about right, but you missed...

Every time the economy booms everyone talks about all the 'high-tech' jobs coming to the area, "Silicon Mountain" and all that jazz, every time it falters in the slightest they are the first to go.

gosh darn At Will Employment

A tan is valued, but an even tan denotes inactivity.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

...and after the fourth or fifth time, the itsy bitsy spider decided to wait for a clear day.

[Wardad]

The Last one will make you choke!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you guess which of the following are true or false?


1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!

6. Only seven ( 7 ) per cent of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14... The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.


ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE (?)
(...and not suitable for name changing nonsense thread.)

[narf poit chez BOOM]

The Last one will make you choke!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you guess which of the following are true or false?

hey, i can guess. anyone can guess.

1.T

2.F, unlikely. it would mean he wouldn't have had an umbilibable cord, and that's nessasary.
3.T? dunno
4.well, i'm indoors alot and i don't get sick much, but someone who's outdoors alot, shock, changed environment...T?
5.T. read it somewhere.
6.T? think i read it somewhere.
7.T?
8.F?
9.F. i don't spend 10% of my life waiting in lines.
10.T?
11.T.
12.F, 'injured by' requires that the toilet do something. since toilets don't do anything, the person using them does, it's impossible. 40,000 people might have injured themselves with a toilet, though, so T for that.
13.T? it's long, though.
14...F. i blink more than that...i think.
15. F. why? there probable bigger just before you go to sleep. did you know that your actually taller when you wake up?
16.T.
17.T?
18.well, it depend on what you mean by behind. i'd say, F.
19.T?
20.F.
21.T. come to think of it, it doesn't seem to pour quite like milk.
22.T. think i read it somewhere.
23.T? think i might have heard it somewhere.
24.F? ghualish enough to survive as an urban legend, possible enough to be true.
25.T?
26.T? think i heard it somewhere.

ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE (?)
(...and not suitable for name changing nonsense thread.) [Wink]

Not possible. i ruled out number 12.

[ August 12, 2003, 00:35: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Krsqk]

Originally posted by Wardad:
14... The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

Would that be why my eyeballs are so dry?

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
24.F? ghualish enough to survive as an urban legend,

Goulash? I like goulash!

[Kamog]

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
False. I don't think bodily functions like digestion can be started and stopped instantaneously.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
False. That sounds like too many. That's over 20 million people a year!

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
False. That also sounds like too many. I don't think it's too easy to hurt yourself using a toilet!

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
Maybe. Why would that be? Because they're flattened by your body weight?

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
True. I have had the unpleasant experience of waking up with bugs in my mouth.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
There are some people who seem to have eyes in the back of their head. You just walk by behind them and they know who you are without turning their head.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
False. I don't think there's any green ingredient in it.

[ August 12, 2003, 06:38: Message edited by: Kamog ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

True. I have had the unpleasant experience of waking up with bugs in my mouth.

bugs? i've only had that happen once. spider.

Utah: no, we don't clog naked.

[ August 12, 2003, 07:58: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]