Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Growltigger]

Commander Taz/Guinan, thank you for mending the transporter, please energise....

The away team appear in the transporter room of the TSSS Phong's Head. It is a relief (I can tell you) to see the transporter operator not wearing a minging ginger goatee beard

The heroic Captain Growltigga takes the turbolift to the bridge... the doors open. The Captain evaluates the situation and whips out his phaser, horribly aware that whilst he and his brave colleagues have escaped from the USS Ginger Minger, unfortunately, the ginger bearded weirdoes transported onto the Phong's Head have not been returned to their own dimension...

Phasers to stun, let's kick some ginger backside

[Growltigger]

Make it so Mr Power Man, I would like to know where those wretched Deadstar space scum have gone to.

I feel that they have meddled with the TSSS Phong's Head and thr adventures of Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat and his intrepid crew once too often, first they interfered with out negotiations at Fart Point, secondly, I am sure they were responsible with our being beamed to the USS Ginger Minger, and third, the rotten swine shot at this ship...

If they want to meddle with the Galactic Federation, then we need to show them that the price for meddling is losing your hands at the wrists!!

Hmmmmm, we have a few Posts left for this episode, I suggest that in true Startrek TNG style, we spend the rest of this episode dealing with the personal problems of one of the crew... How about Taz's furballs (they are you know!)?, Deanna Gryphin's angst about his cleavage?, Commander Dogscoff's propensity for clenching apples between his buttocks?, Mr Power Man's homicidal tendencies?, Mr Kamog's abuse of poor animals? Mr S'Katchoo's mind melding abilities as employed in cottaging? My own tyrannical, violent and ever so charming propensities?

PS I am a black tiger on this episode, no orange fur on me!

PPS Mr Kamog, report to the captain's ready room. I need to have a severe word with you about abusing Barry. By the way, cover yourself in a nice Hollandaise sauce and dont wear your uniform. Barry says the threads get stuck between his teeth

[ May 20, 2003, 09:02: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[dogscoff]

dogscoff rematerialises on the transporter pad, and is almost immediately aware that something is wrong.

"Something wrong, commander?" Asks Erax, who is manning the transporter controls.
"I think someone ('Tigga) is trying to get rid of me." Replies a weary dogscoff. "Someone rigged the transporter so I'd end up in a completely random parallel universe."
"Yes," says Erax, honking his comedy red nose "you certainly don't look like you belong here."
With that, Erax flaps out of the transporter room in his size 18 shoes, just as the 'Tigga from this dimension walks in. He stops to squirt 'scoff in the face with water from a pLastic lapel-flower, before chastising him for not wearing his ClownFleet regulation giant green wig and baggy troUsers.

'Scoff sighs, goes over to the transporter controls, gives them a kick and steps back on the pad, hoping this time he will be sent back home.

[ May 20, 2003, 11:20: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Erax]

"Engineering to Bridge. Cap'n, all our transporter problems seem to be fixed now. The computer says Commander Scoffo and Lieutenant Kamog are not aboard.

I could rig the transporters to trawl the dimensions for them, if you wish."

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff rematerialises on the transporter pad, and is pleased to see that 'Tigga has beamed 'scoff back personally.

"I see you changed your mind about banishing me to another dimension, Captain." says 'scoff.
"Why are you calling me Captain?" Says 'Tig. "The illustrious and manly Captain Fyron is in charge of this ship."

*Without another word, dogscoff kicks the sensitive workings of the transporter and steps back onto the pad.

[ May 20, 2003, 14:50: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Thank you Mr Erax, much as it hurts me to say this, it is a matter of tradition for the Galactic Federation that we never leave anyone behind, be they dead, wounded, drunk or having a quick knee trembler after hours. I suppose you better trawl the dimensions for our errant hirsute muppet of an executive officer.

Please also bring Kamog back as I have an appointment for him down in cargo bay 1, infact, I have a large vat of hollandaise sauce and dijon mustard to go with that appointment as well...

Hmmm, Mr Power Man, is there any sign of a trail of those Deadstar warships? this is a new contact for the Galactic Federation, and although the Deadstar Continumummummum have shown they are hostile, we should really make an attempt to contact them peacefully

Note to Mr Power Man, always make sure shields are always up, the phaser banks are charged and a full spread of photon torpedoes are ready to be launched..... I dont trust those sneaking deadstar scum!

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff materialises on the transporter pad, and is delighted to see that the transporter operator looks a lot like Holly Valance and is dressed only in a thin layer of strawberry jam.

"Welcome back, your excellency, the females of the galaxy have missed your commanding presence" she says, dropping to her knees in a gesture of (ahem) respect.

At that moment, 'scoff feels his atoms tingle as the Erax of the TSSS Phong's Head sweeps the dimensions for him locks onto his signal.

*dogscoff materialises back aboard the Cantina, sobbing uncontrollably.

[Growltigger]

Holly Valance covered in strawberry jam??

Doctor Geo, I know that you are a doctor, not a conserve and general home-economics whizz-kid but please could you give our first officer a sanity check..

he is just a little weird for his own good...

Now, did anyone see where that Milla Jojovich clone went covered in taramasalata and hummous?

[Erax]

"Engineering to Bridge. Cap'n, Commander Scoffo is aboard. We also have another Version of him in which he is an Elvis impersonator, one in which he is a cyborg and one in which he is three feet tall, has glowing yellow eyes and wears a hooded brown robe.

We are now searching for Lieutenant Kamog, I'll send the other Scoffos back to their original dimensions after we find him."

[Power Man]

OK Captain. Shields at “full Strength Relief”, Phasers at “Really Nasty”, and Torpedo banks at “High Interest”. To show our desire for peace I have hoisted the “Let’s PARTY” signal. Maybe we can bring some of the “Good Life” to the Deadstar Continumummummum.

The Deadstar ships appear to be heading to the “Dead Zone”, a region of Null energy that we know little about.

Captain ?? When did you dye your hair?? I thought I Just saw you on a lower deck. You were trying to hide your face and feel up a yoMan at the same time.

Captain (If it Really Is You) I suggest you hunt down your double-minger and get him off your ship!!
Don’t forget to use your own tyrannical, violent and ever so charming propensities and try to get him to take over His dimension.


(See we still have some unfinished business in This episode.)