Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[dogscoff]

one in which he is three feet tall, has glowing yellow eyes and wears a hooded brown robe.

Utini!!!

*Jawa-dogscoff immediately begins stripping down the transporter for saleable spare parts...

Meanwhile, real-dogscoff takes Elvis-dogscoff down to 10fwd for a (dozen) burger(s).

[ May 20, 2003, 16:46: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Erax]

Originally posted by dogscoff:


*Jawa-dogscoff immediately begins stripping down the transporter for saleable spare parts...

"Arg !! Here, you !! We can't have that, I just got through fixing that Transporter there !!"

Erax picks Jawa-dogscoff up off the floor by the back of his robe and carries him to the brig.

"Cap'n, we are having some, um, technical problems here, it may be a while before we find Kamog."

(how do we know it's a Jawa-dogscoff ? Easy, his goatee peeks out from under the hood).

[Raging Deadstar]

*The deadstar fleet quickly disperses in several directions and one of them launches a small craft which heads back towards the TSSS Phong's Head. Eventually after being thoroughly scanned (including what colour the lone female crew members thong is!) the ship is allowed to dock with the Phong's Head. The attractive Talena Atfield pilot Boards the ship and escorted by the red shirts with bulging eyes and are drooling. She is also accompanied by a host of more Jawa's who whilst the deadstar were in the vicinity scanned the ships CCTV and saw a scottish engineer pyhsically violating a jawa, and must stick up for their species honour, despite the fact this jawa has a ginger beard. The red shirts have to stop the jawa from stealing anything whilst Talena has to phaser a too eager Power Man who's hands were getting too close for comfort. She reaches the Bridge and gives Captain Jean Luc Le grand Chat and begins her speech.*

"Greetings from the Deadstar Continuum..." She looks unimpressed as GT slyly eyes her cleaverage.
"AHEM Eyes up here Please!" pointing to her eyes.
"We may have not got off to a good start but we would like to inform you we did not fire on your ship, we believe it's the work of a bunch of pirates or mercenaries working for a crime lord called Ragnarok. Now we are willing to forgive you for this misconception..." Notices where GT's eyes are heading.
"Eyes.... Ok so we are willing to exchange cultural information and beer recipe's, but any form of treaty is far off. Just be careful not to trespass in Deadstar space, we can't be held accountable for any losses to your precious federation! Now i'm afriad you'll have to settle this dispute with the Jawa and they demand the engineer who assaulted the jawa dogscoff be handed over for interrorgation and humiliation!"

*She heads back to her ship to relax as the jawa begin jumping at GT's arms shouting demands and making a nuiscance of themselves like little children, she smiles wondering how GT will settle this dispute and how they can interrorgate a scottish engineer... maybe showing him a brand new shiny nacelle engine and torpedoing it to oblivion!*

[Erax]

Luckily for Erax, the bridge intercom was on and he heard this whole exchange.

"They won't take me, no they won't, bunch of strange creatures, It doesn't even look like there is anything under their robes to assault anyway !"

Erax hurriedly re-assembles the transporter control panel (cyborg Scoffo, who has been forgotten up to now and wants to get back home, assists him in this) and uses his own signal as a template. He soon locks on to an Erax from another dimension and beams him directly to the bridge.

On the bridge, an Erax who wears a red shirt and has a huge, frizzy, bushy beard materializes amidst the Jawas.

"I am Comrade Engineer Erax of the People's Democratic Federation of Planets, and I demand to be returned to my ship immediately !"

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog, Stardate 12.53 GMT Hmmmm, I wonder where that useless first officer of mine has got to these days, oh well, we are not missing him and the bridge seems a much nicer place when he is not there.

We are cruising at warp 1, slowly picking up the trail of the Deadstar warships which attacked us and then fled after my, ahem, interuption of their normal bridge facilities. There is nothing like extreme force to persuade someone to turn tail.

The TSSS Phong's Head is such a relief. No gingers are aboard, and the only person with a goatee is missing

What could happen next?

[Kamog]

After three days of unconsciousness, Kamog wakes up... the Last thing he remembers is being beaten up by a bearded FBW in 10 Forward.

Where am I?

Kamog goes to a computer panel on the wall. "Computer, what is my location?"
Computer: "Lieutenant Kamog is not on the ship."

Checking his communicator, Kamog notices that there is an order from the Captain. "What, I'm supposed to cover myself in Hollandaise sauce, don't wear a uniform, and go to cargo bay 1? ...Okie Dokie..."

Taking off his uniform, Kamog notices that it's not his usual uniform that he was wearing. It has a weird sash and instead of the familar TSSS logo there's a strange inverted-V type of logo. Also, he notices that he's grown a beard.

"Now, where can I get some Hollandaise sauce?" Unfortunately, Kamog is totally disoriented and has no clue where he is. He goes to a nearby door and opens it. It looks like somebody's quarters. Fortunately, there's a replicator in the dining area. "Computer, bottle of Hollandaise sauce, please". There's a brief shimmer of light and a bottle appears. Taking the bottle, Kamog starts applying some sauce to himself, but then stops.

"Hmm, it's no fun putting this sauce on myself. It will be a lot nicer to have a cute FBW put the sauce on for me. Maybe I can then put some sauce on her... "

Carrying the bottle in one hand and his uniform in the other, Kamog goes out into the hall. "Uh, oh, I just remembered I'm not in the best of relations with the FBW's lately. I really shouldn't have pulled on her beard. I know! I'll go to the holodeck and get a holo-FBW to do it."

Walking down the hall, Kamog notices somebody walking towards his direction. "Uh, oh, it's the Kylie Clone FBW!" Not wanting another painful confrontation, Kamog quickly opens a hatch, dives into a narrow service duct, and crawls away.

[Taz-in-Space]

...As the real Taz reaches Ten Forward Lounge, he spots his Minger double behind the bar. His double is apparently trying to get the crew to change to NON-alcoholic drinks and seems to be giving the FBWs some hair care tips.

Tapping Minger-Taz on the shoulder he points to the Lounge office. Minger-Taz then prances around the bar and spins into the office.

Gods! He prances and even spins to the left !

Hoping to save this poor creature, Taz proceeds to try to rehabilitate it by exposing it to some more wholesome experiences - (Via 10 Forwards Holo-suite) - Triple XXX 'birds & Bees' instruction, Taste-testing of the 100 most popular alcoholic beverages, Violence 101 for cartoon characters, and the complete course in "How to be a Terror: Tasmanian Devil style."

Hours later Taz calls Erax and tells him to transport the hopefully rehabilitated Minger-Taz back to the Minger dimension.

Taz to Captain: 10 Forward secure and ready for another mission.

[Growltigger]

The delivery of a large bunch of red roses and expensive perfume to the Deadstar scout ship does the trick and shortly thereafter, the Talena Atfield pilot is resting in Captain Jean Luc le Grand Chat's muscular arms, at peace with the galaxy after a stonking good meal and a good stonking....

A non-aggression treaty is negotiated between the Deadstar Continumumumum and the Galactic Federation and a mutual aggression pact against the rebel Ragnarok is agreed......

The Talena Atfield pilot returns to her ship, full of warm and happy thoughts for the Galactic Federation..

The Captain strolls back onto the bridge. Mr Power Man and Mr S'Katchoo (where the hell is he anyhow?), locate Commander Kamog and ask him to report to my ready room instantly. Also locate Mr Erax and ask him to report in. Inform security to round up all the jawas and put them into cargo bay 1, tell them also to cover the jawas in a bolognese sauce before they put them in there, Barry has a dicky tummy, tell the two Taz's to assist the redshirts in this endeavour..

Mr Power Man, try and com the doctor for me will you, I need him to think of way to get rid of all the minger gingers on this ship..

Captain to crew, with immediate effect, all beards are Banned, especially on the girls

PS chaps, in Startrek, the captain always got his lass, why not here?

[Erax]

Erax takes stock of the situation.

Jawa-dogscoff has been returned to his dimension.
Security has fed all the other jawas to Barry.
Cyborg-dogscoff has gone back to his dimension too.
Elvis-dogscoff is still eating burgers.
There may still be a minger-Power Man aboard, but that's Dr. Geo's problem.

"This is it, I've been working on this cursed transporter ever since this episode began, it's time for a break !"

Erax sets the transporter to automatic scan and pickup for Kamog (with beam forwarding to the brig so Kamog's other Versions won't cause any mischief) and meets his Communist counterpart in Ten Forward for a round of political debate on the merits of scotch whiskey vs. vodka.

[Power Man]

OK Captain.
Taking a clue from Taz, Power Man and the Doctor determine that one way to tell who's minger (aside from the goatee) is give them a scan. All their atoms spin to the Left.
Together they hook up the ship's sensors to the transporter and "slide" all the "oddly spinning" mingers back to were they came from.

Captain: All of the mingers are off the ship.
Records show that we did NOT beam the minger Tigga back!!

Captain , one of our "Kitten class" shuttles is gone from shuttle bay 3.
I have found it on our long range scanners. It is heading to the Pink Triangle Nebula.
I can not tell who is aboard it at this range.

This may be were the minger-captain and Mr S'Katchoo went.

Permission to pursue and capture Captain ??