Newbie Slug Fest - Mose Hansen game - ENDED

[The Panther]

PashaDawg said:
Good shock & awe tactics, Panther. Can you keep it up? "Is that all you got?" <hopping from side to side with my dukes up...>

The president of the University of Caelum showed up unannounced in the chambers of his highness.

"Oh noble invisible one!"
"Yeah, what do you want this time?"
"Uh, well, sir, we are trying to understand this odd message from Grasbahl, sir."
"And?"
"And we think we have it!"
"Well, it's about time. My tax money is disappearing from paying all you idiots. I ought to get something for that hard cash. So spit it out."
"Well, sir, we have decided that Grashbahl is drunk!"
"DRUNK???"
"Yup. He is making absolutely no sense. And his army is wandering aimlessly about in our territory. First west. Then south. Then north. Now east. Who knows where he is going next???"
"So, this means he is drunk?"
"Yes sir."
"How do you figure that?"
"Ah, it was my own daughter who found it!"
"Found what, you idiot?"
"It's a little known mathematical formula called a drunken walk! Grasbahl's actions match the formula almost exactly! I told you that sending my daughter to college for a useful degree like engineering was going to work out great!"
"Well, at least this means we can predict where he is going next, right?"
"Um, not exactly."
"What??? Just plug that idiotic drunken Grasbahl into the equation and tell me."
"We did that sir."
"And???"
"And each direction is equally likely."
"I see... So what good is this then?"
"It advances our knowledge base, sir."
"But I am paying your university for USEFUL knowledge. Like Ghost Riders. Or Niefel Flames. Something I can actually use, darn your hide! My provinces are revolting from all the unrest due to the tax money I am sinking into your bottomless pit. And you give me this? The drunken walk??? Get out of my sight!"
"Yes sir." And the old man shuffled out of the sacred chamber at once.

[PashaDawg]

Yes, yes.... what IS Machaka up to?

And, it surprises me that the Ghost King's minions know so little of the structure of the Ulm Government. Everyone knows that His Highly Esteemed Corpulence, Graham Grassbahl, has nothing to do with the operations of the Ulm military. He is primarily a liaison between His Most Esteemed Highness, PASHA, the Black Iron Lord of Ulm, and the greater Ulm public. He is also a major player in Ulm diplomacy, culinary criticism, and the keeping of the Imperial Poodle Ponies. Perhaps, if the Ghost King spent less of his budget on his fat propaganda machine and more on basic espionage, he would have known this by now. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I can tell that ULM has already won this war. It's just a matter of time. Hmmmm... perhaps, we should just skip to the part where CAELUM pays substantial reparations to Arco, Jotunheim and Ulm. Hmmmm?

Edit (by His Highly Esteemed Corpulence): “Here! Here! Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Simplicity itself!” <Burp>

[Steerpike]

Here, here, PASHA Black Iron Lord of Ulm I second your call for substantial reparations. Garuda the four armed Blue light of Arco is just on his way back from the netherworld and suggests that IF Caelum capitulates immediately he may show a little mercy.
I have learned all the lessons I need from Caelum and will attempt to give some in return.
Perhaps if the winged fiends of Caelum wernt so agressive this unfortunate war may have been avoided and we all could have wandered the fields and meadows of our lands singing songs of praise for our pretenders. A dream cruelly cut short by CAELUM the black Panther.

[DragonFire11]

Ah, wouldn't be so nice to see the world and know what other nations are doing. Perhaps launch a vicious compulsory freedom mission from time to time. But nooo. I have to sit behind my crusty old castle getting pounded by the Pickled Armies. No world domination for this Lord Master emerging Head Dead Honcho desired Chief favoring Commander yet Boss erstwhile Chieftain truculent Cock (in the old sense of the word please!) nascent Dominator hopeful Head anticipative Headman auspicious Hierarch who has little to do than think up job titles.

[KroolDeath]

Yes, Abysia seems to have taken advantage of the fact that I am in a somehwat weakened state from fighting Vanheim.

However, I used regular troops in those battles (Principes), and have many more goodies up my sleeve, waiting for such an event such as this.

A recommendation for an immediate withdraw from my territories is called for.


Don't you think all the gem income is going to something??

Krool
Pythium

[Grim Knight]

Ah yes KroolDeath, of course the Gem income is going to something. I expect this, I just want to see it.

Show Me the product of the gem income!!!

Show Me what you've got!!

Stop Me if you can!

Grim Knight, the opportunist, has spoken.

[PashaDawg]

DECLARATION OF DISGUST
with Imposition of Sanctions

We, the undersigned Noble Lords of the Empire of Ulm, being duly authorized by divine fiat issued by His Most Holy PASHA, the Black Iron Lord of Ulm, do hereby find the base villain, THE PANTHER, pretender and scourge of the universe, to be guilty of scores of heinous acts such as:

He hath polluted the environment with thaumaturgic garbage and refused to clean up after himself. He hath betrayed the natural liberty inherent to the ontological essence of his meek winged folk and hath enslaved them and made them do his evil deeds while he worked through them vicariously. He hath overtaxed them without due representation and hath flaunted this wrong by lavishing gifts on his malignant minions at bawdy parties of Jello wrestling and nude ping-pong.

He hath betrayed the sacred trust among God Pretenders by commencing hostile actions against the peaceful folk of Jotunheim and Acroscephale without cause and for only unjust and greedy self promotion. In spite of courteous missives from the Black Iron Lord of Ulm, he hath ignored all encouragement to cease his wicked warmongering.

He hath murdered and dismembered the cute, furry bunnies known by the names of Floppy, Quiver Cottontail, Beevie, and Scootie, for the sole purpose of indulging his sadistic bloodthirstiness. He laughed when poor Scootie begged. He gathered all his malignant minions to watch while he sliced off defenseless Floppy’s ears. His sickness doth run deep.

WHEREFORE, we hereby declare THE PANTHER anathema. He is hereby irrevocably excommunicated from the Sacred Brotherhood of Uzzurbleeshewfooth.

FURTHERMORE, upon the authority granted to us by said divine fiat, we impose sanctions upon said PANTHER. No further imports or exports of goods or services shall be made from the Empire of Ulm to or from the Dictatorship of Caelum. All Caelum assets within the Dominion of Ulm are hereby frozen and seized as reparations rightfully due to the Black Iron Lord of Ulm.

This we sign upon our sacred honor:

/s/ Sir Ircon Teabiskut, High Lord Secretary of State

/s/ Sir Gullschmire Kaffeemitmilch, High Lord Secretary of the Treasury

/s/ Sir Graham Grassbahl, His Almost Most Highness

[deccan]

In addition to the proclamation of our dearly beloved allies of Ulm, of whom only one their many virtues we giants of Jotunheim hold in great esteem is their highly cultivated and refined taste in haute cuisine and fine wines and to whom we are greatly appreciative for their recent gift of a most delicious recipe namely "Caelum wing flambé marinated in thick mammoth stew" and with "iced cider topped with crushed astral pearls" for dessert, we wish to share with the nations of Inland a recent discovery by our scientists that cannot but add to the already mountaineous evidence of the evilness of the pernicious Panther, enemy of all.

Specificially, through the most ingenious reasoning of the very large brains of our best Jotun scientists and the application of the most rigorous methods of statistical analysis available in the pre-scientific period we live in, we have determined that the recent increase in incidence of crying Jotun babies and the loudness of such crying can be perfectly correlated with the noted period during which the hated minions of Panther began the widespread use of the most annoying spell "False Horror".

Our suspicions were confirmed when during a sophisticated experiment one of our scientists muttered "Wooooo" in a creche which resulted in all babies present crying at volumes sufficient to break giant eardrums.

Due to this and the high likelihood that Jotun parents have incurred permanent psychological damage due to the excessive crying from this one concrete example of thaumaturgical pollution directly caused by the evil Panther and alluded to by the respected Ulmites, we call upon all nations of Inland to support us in our demand that Caelum make reparations by providing a free seraph to each household for babysitting duties.

[KroolDeath]

Arrrggg, I must duly admit that I am close to being vanquished before I could bring my might to bear on the renegade Abysian nation!

After not being able to connect to the game, I find myself with Abysia on my capital, not two turns after losing my Ghost King to an indy province debacle.

(Side note here: This game has been problematic for me to connect too at times, however, I don't think it would have changed the current scenario one bit, Abysia would still be at my capital given my weakened status from my war with Vanheim. So, not using it as an excuse!).

Of course, I will be fighting to the bitter end, which should be...a turn or two!

Krool the Betrayed

[deccan]

Alas my dear Pythium, I would love to join you for a spot of flash-fried salamander tongue, but us giants would have a hard time getting past the uncouth rabble at your gates. Truly, these barbarians have no manners...