Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong's Head Cantina - After Hours

[primitive]

Originally posted by David E. Gervais:
Question: Is it possible to carry out a conversation without the use of multiple sylable words?

For example... (to rewrite the above question!)

Say What?: can a man take part in a trade of words the are made up of just one part?

The "one who is as the one who was long ago" can also play this game. His spear (the one which is full of rust, yet still with a sharp point) can do the kind of talk the small words will not let him do.

The "man who give a sketch to all who ask" may have a drink on my tab.

[Stone Mill]

The Will! The Will! What is in that bLasted will?!?

[David E. Gervais]

[quote]Originally posted by Aloofi:

You definitively have a lot of time in your hands...

Yup, I do most of my work in the morn when all is quiet. then I wait all day for Aaron to rsvp comments on what I have sent him! So far so good, things are comming along very nicely!

Cheers!

[dogscoff]

Aiiiiiiii, David Gervais, how is you sayin' man that me and d'at diamond geezer Ali G are da same bruvvers. Joorekon d'at I is the real leader of da Staines massive or summink. You dissin' me, I is da kat wi'd da big claws and am the envy of donkeys all rond da world

You is 2 bullets short of a gangsta rappa if dat is wat yew fink.

Boyakashaaaaaaaa

Aiiiiii

*dogscoff grabs the mass of BA Baracas-style oversized gold jewelry hanging round GT/AG's neck and strangles him with it.

[dogscoff]

Click here to download clips of Ali G when he used to be funny. It has some of his best interviews, including his interview with Judge Pickles (a very old, very conservative old crumbly who is at the top of the legal profession here in the UK. "despite his name, he's a judge and not a DJ" )

Ali keeps asking him about the 5th amendment, no matter how often Judge Pickles explains that "it's an American thing."

[ March 12, 2003, 12:40: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[mac5732]

The Old Geezer Mac is so over come with sorrow on the recent demise of GT, that words fail to find their way thru his anatamy and out his orface opening for sounds, (crying)

Poor Old GT, where oh where has his spirit gone? Is he in the here after chasing those Kyle Clones, imbibing upon the wonders of ancient elixers, sitting at roadside cafe's ooggling the bouncing babba loos as they pass by with their tight skimpy angel outfits,,

OH WOE IS US, BOHOBOHOO (hysterical crying) what of my Last set of colostomy bags, who will I throw them at now,

What will transpire upon this most illustrious of cantinas without the Furry Feline of Menace, the trickster of words, the galloping gourmet of cartoon violence? The voracious neptune of sleazy comebacks.....

UGH..........

Mac slouchs at his table overcome with grief, drowning his sorrow with pitchers of brewskis and chili side dishes.. letting loose the salute of essance that GT so loved to be around

a sadden and remorseful Mac

[dogscoff]

*Dogscoff mournfully watches the coffin pass, removing his hat in respect. Solemnly, he produces a frying pan from behind his back and spangs Raging Deadstar across the back of the head with it.

"It's what GT would have wanted." *snif*

[Growltigger]

"Ahem" says the solicitor, the cantina goes quiet as the senior partner from Robbem, Screwem & Scarper opens up the Last will and testament (in tiger stripes of course)..

"The late Mr Growltigga left a personal estate, following the payment of probate taxes and my fees, of 5,000,000 minerals. He also left various, ahem, personal items, as well as his half share in the Cantina. He also left an interesting and dare I say unusual array of bequests.

Turning to the Cantina, This worthwhile (if slightly sordid and unpleasant) establishment has a book value of 20,000,000 minerals, but unfortunately, the outstanding bar tabs and health & safety fines are currently standing at 30,000,000 minerals, so the interest in the cantina is proprietory only. Mr Growltigga reqires that his share in the cantina be held in trust ad infinitum for the FBW's, the Byzantine Horde of Vicious Nasty Insane Killer Mongooses, Hiram Baraldo Methuselah III (apparently, a large dinosaur of the phylum Homocidus Bitus Rexus) and a Moroccan chap called Abdul and his, ahem, Berber horde, and descendants.

With regard to his majority shareholding in Tigg-Scoff PLC, the late Mr Growltigga requires that his shares (and all income deriving therfrom) be held in trust for Gryphin, Mac, Taz, Saxon and Mephisto with the strick proviso, and I quote, "that that nasty two-faced vicious bastard Dogscoff doesn't ever getr his hands on them".

Turning to the cash, Mr Growltigga has left 1,000,000 minerals to be spent on, and again I quote, "a bloody great big party where everybody get's drunk, get's naked and ends up lying in a great big pile".

Turning to the personal bequests, Mr Growltigga leaves the following sums:

To the FBW's, 500,000 minerals so that they can buy some new underwear

To Ronald, chief of the Byzantine Killer Mongoose Horde, 500,000 minerals to give his boys a good time for being loyal, sadistic and evil minded buggers

To Hiram Baraldo Methuselah III, 500,000 minerals so that he can buy all the accountants he wants to eat..

To Abdul and the berber horde, 500,000 minerals so that he can make sure that Rags get's the kicking he deserves for assaulting Abdul with a baguette.

To Geoschmo, 100,000 minerals to keep PBW going as I am sure they will miss the great Kat's occassional contributions

To Dogscoff, 100,000 minerals provided that he is only entitled to this money if he dresses up like Joey Tempest from Europe and sings The Final Countdown for the next 5 years. He also gets the large tub of Dogpoo out the back of the cantina

To Taz, 100,000 minerals to buy doggy drops, dental cleaner and shampoo as a thank you for being a loyal barkeep, he also gets unlimited sampling rights for all beverages in the bar He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Gryphin, 100,000 minerals for being a great chap, a good business partner and the boston sex-fiend, he also gets Growltigga's collection of marital aids and all the Kylie and Shania clones he can handle He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Mac, 100,000 minerals for being a lovely old duffer, and in hope that he lives long enough to spend it. He also gets the Liz Hurley clone Growltigga was keeping upstairs He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Raging Deadstar, 100,000 minerals as he is a poor bugger from Cumbria who needs all the help he can get to sort out his inferiority complex. He also gets a vat of booze and all the feminine attention from the FBW's he can handle. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Ragnarok, 100,000 minerals as well as a ding round the head fortnightly from Growltigga's favourite cricket bat. He also get's the red hot poker hand cannon on the strict proviso that he terminates dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To David Gervais, 100,000 minerals for being an all round good chap, provided that he buys himself a toupe and drops the hawaiian shirts. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Geoschmo, 100,000 minerals for always being a laugh, and for standing in for Growltigga when he needed a surrogate to control the Federation. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Primitive, 100,000 minerals for being a worthy opponent, and frankly any musclebound oil smearing Norwegian nancy boy needs all the help he can get. He also gets Growltigga's collection of heavy weaponry. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Saxon, 100,000 minerals for being a poor Canadian moose kisser who needs all the help he can get. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Mephisto, 50,000 minerals for being Growltigga's favourite bratwurst munching Esel. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Mlmbd, 50,000 minerals, provided he promises to spend it on a really hedonistic lifestlye. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Puke, 50,000 minerals provided he promises to spend it on beer and women. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Imperator Fyron, 50,000 minerals provided he uses it for physiatric help for his complex. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Aloofi, 25,000 minerals to write the definitive work on the differences between Speed and Thrash metal. He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

To Stone Mill, 25,000 minerals to spend on loose food and greasy women, he also gets Growltigga's leather thong (the one's with the studs on the inside). He is also required to terminate dogscoff with extreme prejudice

The residue of Growltigga's estate is to be used to hire the nastiest meanest most evil sadistic SOB you can find in order to terminate Dogscoff with extreme prejudice, or preferably a large axe.
This is also subject to the express wish of the testator that Dogscoff's genitalia be removed as painfully as possible and used as a rugby ball in next years' Six Nations tournament

This is the Last will and testament of Growltigga the Great....

Cue gregorian monks, sobbing and gnashing of teeth

[David E. Gervais]

..while dogscoff is hovering over the limp body of Raging Deadstar with a dented cast iron frying pan in his hand, I walk up behind him holding two massive gongs (one in each hand).. I swing my arms togeather and the gongs come crashing hard on either side of dogscoff's head..

Dogscoff's eyes cross as his whole body vibrates in tune with the resounding Gonnnnnnnng! that fills the cantina. Before Dogscoff can recover, a huge hulking brute grabes him by the ankle and turns his world upside down. (the hulking brute's name is 'Toupe',he is my new Body-Guard) and wouldn't you know it, all of my oversized XXXL Hawaiian shirts fit him like a 't'

I ask Toupe if Dogscoff is heavy he says "Nah, he's mostly hot air!" to prove the point, he starts starts to flex his arm and the result has Dogscoff's head bouncing off the floor in a steady beat. "See Boss, as light as a feather."

Dogscoff makes a vain attempt to wriggle free.. "Hey, Toupe! Can you show me what you meant when you said that you know how to use pressure points to inflict pain?".. "Sure, Boss.." Toupe proceeds to show me all the different 'sinsitive' pressure points and each time, Dogscoff's eyes bulge out in extreme agony, followed by the most horrific scream.

"Toupe, when I hired you, you mentionned on your resume that you were really good at tearing people appart limb from limb, can you give me a demonstration?".. "No problem, Boss.."

With apparent ease Toupe rips off Dogscoff's left arm.. Dogscoff screams, and then grits his teeth and says.. "ha! it's just a scratch!".. Then goes the right arm.. Dogscoff again shows remarkable stamina.. "It's just a flesh wound!".. Toupe next rips off the right leg.. Dogscoff manages a weak grin,.. "I wasn't using that leg anyway!"..Toupe, removes the left leg with little or no effort. "Look Boss, If we tossed him in watter we could call him 'Bob'!".. With a quick twist and a loud pop Dogscoff's head is removed from what is left of his body. "I guess he ran out of things to say eh? Boss!" Toupe tosses dogscoff's head into the fireplace along with the rest of his 'parts'

"That was very impressive Toupe, You deserve a raise! Here, let me buy you a drink. What's your pleasure?" Topue leans over and whispers in my ear.. "I'd like a shirly temple with two olives please!" After seeing the display of Toupe's prowess I held my tongue and ordered his drink!

Well, I wonder if this 'act' fulfills the terms of the will? Ah well time will tell!

I hold up my glass and make a toast.. "Gt, The honor was mine to serve. Cheers!"

[ March 13, 2003, 13:08: Message edited by: David E. Gervais ]

[dogscoff]

The floor shakes. The sound of rushing water can be distantly heard.

"Not again", everyone groans. "Someone call SMURF."

Suddenly the roof is ripped off by a gigantic tentacle. Riain and Eoin, a pair of 400foot long genetically modified cybernetic giant battlesquid bodyguards, have arrived to avenge dogscoff.

David Gervais hides behind toupe, crouching on the floor. He immediately wishes he hadn't as the bodyguard soils himself in fear. It's all immaterial anyway as Riain grabs the pair and squishes them together into some kind of puree. Eoin, following instructions left to cover these exaact circumstances, drops a gigantic jar, full to the brim of psychotic shrimp micro-ninja. The jar breaks, releasing thousands of the tiny warriors, each one only a few centimetres long but highly trained in the art of stealthy execution. Alone they are harmless, but a few dozen together are deadly.

The squid join in the carnage, and before long the Cantina is awash with blood, no-one is spared in the invertabrate attack.

By the time the Sea Monster Urban Response Force turn up to destroy the squids, not a soul is left alive. Only Barry, who had been out in the car park at the time, is left alive to mourn the dead and rummage through the steaming remains for any tasty leftovers...

[ March 13, 2003, 13:15: Message edited by: dogscoff ]