Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[dogscoff]

Fair comment 'Tig. However, we could have noe Last stab at it. Anyone fancy re-hashing this favourite episode?

http://www.johnskeedvabbq.com/Transcripts/RA.html

No prizes for anyone who spots the deliberate mistake...

[Raging Deadstar]

We can't turn it back into a cantina, i personally think you guys wrapped it up too soon! In the first episode it was ok cos no-one had a clue on how to finish but this was simple! Beam the mingers back to their dimension, hmm we need to liven up this episode, let me see what i can do....

*Due to the inexplicable laws of the universe which the TSSS Phong's head is travelling through, the one dogscoff created which has a typical star trek attitude (if a universe can have an attitude) the TSSS Phong's head is suddenly propelled into a rip between the minger dimension and this one (this so over done!) and from the swirling colours of energy comes a ship, but it's not like any other ship, it's exactly like the Phong's Head, except for the fact it has a large ginger synthetic beard on the front and has a peace symbol on the top. Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat has to make a choice, surely it wouldn't be right to fire on a ship full of Pacifists, but it's already the second episode and we havn't seen any ship to ship combat and special effects! Will The captain let the Bar Trek series fail so spectacularly? Will he show them the way back home and come across as the peaceful, suave Picard and let us become a cantina again? Or will he show us the tigga we all know and partially like when he isn't shoving red hot pokers up our backsides? The series lies in Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chats hands!*

Come on, 9 Posts left! just enough to destroy the minger TSSS Phong's head, keep the Bar Trek series alive!

[ May 28, 2003, 19:12: Message edited by: Senator Raging Deadstar ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog, article 248.7(b)(iii)(a) fourth codicil (yes, the ink is dry!!) of the Prime Directive dictates that I should always destroy any ship full of namby pamby gusset licking winnet sniffing ginger minger hirsute pansy girly-boys I come across....

Mr Power Man, charge phaser banks, raise shields, load photon torpoedoes, launch defence drones and arm all crew for a marine assault against the ginger minger....

Mr S'Katchoo turns to the captain and says "huge phase imbalance near that nebulae captain, something big and nasty is coming through". In a swirling cloud of incandescence, a large evill looking Klingon cruiser warps into space, and proceeds to head toward Fart Point.

"Captain" says Mr Power Man, "they are charging up their disrupters and obviously mean to destroy the people of Fart Point, and probably the brewery too"

"Captain to Ensign Patsy, signal the TSSS Ginger Minger, stress to them the gravity of the situation and that we need their help", "signal acknowledged Captain" says Patsy "they will assist and are charging up their pink lycra quantum torpoedoes".

Both vessels bear down on the evil Klingons buggers who dont appear to have noticed the two ships...

"Fire Phasers, launch photon torpedoes" yells the captain, a fiery bLasts hit the rear of the klingon ship and give a right good buffing. "Shields down on the klingon vessel" yells Mr S'Katchoo, "keep firing" says the captain, "defensive pattern delta, fire pattern omega, trouser staining pattern alpha"..

The klingon vessel begins to turn as the USS Ginger Minger closes to point blank range and fires the Pink Torpedoes. They smash into the klingon ship and give the crew a good tickling, and for some reason turn the klingon vessel pink and cerise!

THe klingon vessel turns to face the Ginger Minger, "Oh no" says Mr Power Man, "we are too far away to assist them"...

What will happen next? we have 6 Posts left to wrap up this episode, creative destruction only please (and keep it real)

[Power Man]

Captain: I suggest we use the famous "Pic a Card" Maneuver.

With that Power Man launches 3 Vary large playing cards at the Klingon ship.
One card has a full length photo of a Fuzzy Bunny Dealer in a tiny Dealer's uniform.
The other two have photos of some old terrorists.

"Signal the Klingons tell them if they pick the right card they will get the Prize."

The cards flip over and begin to weave a complex pattern. The Klingon ship turns to follow the cards. Their disrupters fire at the cards again and again but keep missing.

Power Man maneuvers the Phong's Head "Lean Right, Lean Left, Lean Right" .

"Captain, they have weakened their aft shields. We should hit them now where it will Really Hurt!"

"Fire Phasers, Let Loose the Cats of War , launch photon torpedoes" yells the Captain.
(Insert several Phaser firing special effects and those neat "thoom thomm" photon torpedo firing shots.)

The Klingon vessel is hit and badly damaged by the Ferocious Feline's attack.
"Shields down on the Klingon vessel. Their weapons and life support systems are off line." yells Mr S'Katchoo.

"Signal the Klingon vessel. Tell them we demand their immediate surrender!"

[Raging Deadstar]

*Suddenly a little screen appears on the TSSS Phong's head's Viewscreen and minimises to the bottom corner, there in this screen is a very confused Senator Deadstar*

Originally posted by Katchoo:
Meanwhile, aboard said Shuttle, Science Officer S'Katchoo claps his hands gleefully as the Minger Ginger Captain dances about, performing some of the best Cabaret Mr. S'Katchoo has ever seen!

Suddenly, the lights darken and a disco ball drops from the ceiling. Just as the rear-compartment door slides open, 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees starts playing. Standing up, Mr S'Katchoo joins the Minger Ginger Captain on the dance floor, just as the John Travolta clones from the Disco Universe come out and start dancing.

The view shifts to the exterior of the Shuttle, where we get to see it begin to rock lightly from side to side.

The bumber sticker "If this Shuttle's a rockin', don't come a knockin'" can be clearly seen on the rear bumper...

EXCUSE MEZ but S'Katchoo is currently gone in the Pink Triangle Nebula, that means that your Science Officer is a MINGER!

*Screen switches to S'katchoo who suspiciously has a large "Buzz Lightyearesque" chin, it seems The Minger S'Katchoo has added a chin extension to hide the ginger goatee he has. My guess is he stayed behind because in the Minger Universe S'Katchoo likes Aggressive Tigers!*

*Scene also switches to the brig where kamog is sitting in a corner salviating with large eyes. The camera switches to what Kamog is seeing and there is a Bunch of Jawas but their midsections replaced by cooked ham, chicken and a burger*

So so my fellow posters you have to finish the episode credibly with the following stories either continuued to the next episode or finished*

What will become of the Minger Phong's head, after helping the TSSS Phong's Head defend against the kling-ons will Jean Luc Le Grand Chat let them return to their dimension in peace, or will they be blown into tiny minger fragments?

What will happen to minger S'Katchoo?

What will Jean Luc do about the missing Minger Jean Luc and the Real Science officer S'katchoo? Will there be pun-ishment for abandoning ship for intimate liasons with the captain from another universe?

And will Kamog resort to Jawa Licking?

Theres your mission guys, as GT always says
"Make it so"

[ May 29, 2003, 18:57: Message edited by: Senator Raging Deadstar ]

[Erax]

Erax looks up from his drink as the alarm sirens go off. In his befuddled state, he confuses them with the "intruder aboard" alert.

"Oh, right. Jesh my luck, I take a break fer a few minutesh an' it'sh intrudersh aboard, aye, Engineeer Erax washn't doing hish job, beaming all the aliensh back to their dimensionsh. Better get on with it already, then.

Erax and Communist-Erax get up, one supporting the other, and head for the transporter room. After some fumbling with the controls, Erax sends his double back, then scans the ship.

"Aye, we 'ave some trans-dim, trans-dim, some folksh who are not from the Phong aboard. Better get rid of them fast."

Minger S'Katchoo is whisked away from the bridge. The brig's forcefield is taken down for a brief instant, enough to allow the jawas to be sent on their way.

"Now where did that do-nutting assishtant of mine get to ? Oh, right, I had'im beamed to the brig."

Erax goes down to the brig to locate Kamog.

"There you are ! You look hungry, want a haggis sandwich ?"

[Katchoo]

Meanwhile in the Pink Triangle Nebula, the TSS Phong's Head Shuttle "Herpes" has docked with several other smaller Ships, such as a Winnebego marked as "Eagle 5", and a silver saucer ship.

Aboard the Herpes, Mr. S'Katchoo is hosting a party. Music reverberates through the hull and everyone is dancing. Mr S'Katchoo, also on the dance floor, butt slams into a large half man-half dog humanoid, and the Minger Ginger Captain slow dances with a smaller thin grey alien with large black oval eyes. Off in a corner, several of the grey aliens are comparing their...aft probing instruments...with the vibrating vegetable belonging to the Princess from Planet Druidia.

Suddenly Mr S'Katchoo crumbles to the floor, obviously in agony. The half man-half dog (or Mog) investigates.

Mog: "Are you alright?"

Mr S'Katchoo: "No... I suddenly felt the anguishing cries of a billion lives, but they're gone now. I feel something terrible has happened..."

Mog: "Want another White Dwarf Swirlly?"

Mr. S'Katchoo: "Yes...no, I can't. I must return to the Phong's Head and warn the crew. There is a great and terrible force approaching. It might be here at any moment...or in several years. It's hard to tell. I'm not a psychologist you know."

The Mog puts a reassuring hand on Mr. S'Katchoo's shoulder.

Mog: "There there pal. Here, have a Milkbone."

*cruch*crunch*crunch*

Mr S'Katchoo: "Computer, set course back to the TSS Phong's Head, maximum speed."

Computer: "Sure thing, sweet cheeks!"

And with that, the Herpes breaks away from the other Ships and speeds off towards the Phong's Head.

Unfortunately, S'Katchoo forgot to tell the rest of the party go'ers that he was leaving, and so everyone who was on board the Herpes for the party is stuck aboard for the Herepes trip back.

[Kamog]

Kamog has spent the Last several days locked up in the brig along with two frightened Jawas.

"Hey, is that a nice burger I see?!" ... *blinks a few times*
"No, it's a Jawa... "

A few minutes later.
"Wow! A big chunk of cooked ham! " *opens bottle of Hollandaise sauce*
The image of ham wavers and takes the form of a small humanoid with glowing eyes.
"What! It's that Jawa again! "

Much later...
"Hmm, I wonder what Jawa tastes like? Maybe it's not so bad..."

Fortunately for the Jawas, they are transported out before they turn into a Moogle's lunch.
"Hey, I knew I should have eaten them when I had the chance! "

Happily, Kamog is saved by Chief Engineer Erax.

"Haggis sandwich? Thank you, sir! I'm starving!" Kamog devours the sandwich that Erax brought.

[Growltigger]

crackles of electricity spark across the stricken Klingon vessel, plasma is jetting out from the engine nacelles, atmosphere is venting from holes in the hull...

The fearless Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat turns to his communications officer, Ensign Patsy the PVC Pervert, and asks if the Klingons have signalled their surrender. Patsy replies that all she got was someone sounding like they were talking Norwegian with a mouthful of gravel swearing at her..

"Hmmm" thinks the heroic captain, "I guess that means they wont surrender". Mr Power Man, lock on the tractor beam and signal the marines to prepare for boarding".

"Captain" says Power Man, "I read a large energy surge on the Klingon ship, they have set their reactor to overload so it will self destruct. Oh no, they are also launching some sort of weapon"...

The Klingon captain appears on the viewscreen "you Galactic Federation scum have beaten us this time, we never mind being beaten in a fair fight by a superior tactician as yourself Jean Luc Le Grand Chat, but asking your allies to fire ticlking weaponry at us which paints our ship pink is dishonorable and cowardly... they are an affront to civilised warfare and the klingon warrior code. We will take care of that and have launched our secret high explosive anti minger missile to sort this out". The captain coughs a couple of times and keels over...

"Activate point defence weaponry Mr Power Man, try and stop that missile before it hits the Ginger Minger"

"It is too far away Captain, it is too far away, hold on, what's this, the shuttle Herpes has appeared on the screens heading towards us at high speed. Oh my god, it is heading for the Ginger Minger and the klingon missile has locked on to it, oh no, scanners show that Mr S'Katchoo is on board."

"Quick, beam that mincing pervert off that shuttle"

"Aye aye Captain, Mr S'Katchoo is now on the transporter pad aboard the Phong's Head" says Power Man...

Just before it hits the Herpes, Mr Power Man manages to intercept the missile with a point defense bLast, the missile explodes and the force of the explosion is so powerful that it opens a dimensional rift to the minger dimension, and propels the Ginger Minger and the Herpes to that dimension!!

The dimensional rift disappears...

The crew of the Phong's Head is complete. The Klingon ship explodes and space is clear and happy!

[David E. Gervais]

...Psssst, hey people, Taz is acting up in my avatar thread again,.. y'all should drop by and see what he's doing..

Cheers!