Jokes and Riddles Centre

[geoschmo]

It appears to have lost something in the translation.

We have got to make a speech file out of this. Can't you imagine it? The AI declares war and instead of "You have pushed us into a corner...blah blah blah" You get "All your base are belong to us!"

[Wardad]

Abbot explains computers to Costello:

ABBOT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to manage my money.

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know-accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Why do you keep asking me to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind. >click<

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.

--- Author Unknown ---

[Kamog]

LOL. Thanks, now I understand... sort of. All that stuff about "All your base are belong to us" is really funny!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

LOL. i wonder if anybody's got 'who's on first?'

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
LOL. i wonder if anybody's got 'who's on first?'

I didn't, but it was easy enough to find:

Taken from http://www.paradiselost.org/whosonfirst.html

COSTELLO:
Hey Abbott, you're the manager of the baseball team?

ABBOTT:
That's right.

COSTELLO:
Well, if I'm gonna play on the baseball team I gotta know the baseball players' names. Do you know the guys' names?

ABBOTT:
Oh sure.

COSTELLO:
Okay, you go ahead and tell me some of their names.

ABBOTT:
Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. But you know sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers peculiar names.

COSTELLO:
You mean funny names.

ABBOTT:
Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean.

COSTELLO:
His brother Daffy.

ABBOTT:
Daffy Dean.

COSTELLO:
And their cousin.

ABBOTT:
Who's that?

COSTELLO:
Goofy.

ABBOTT:
Goofy, huh? Now let's see. We have on the bags, we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

COSTELLO:
That's what I wanna find out.

ABBOTT:
I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

COSTELLO:
You know the fellas' names?

ABBOTT:
Certainly.

COSTELLO:
Well then who's on first?

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
I mean the fella's name.

ABBOTT:
Who.

COSTELLO:
The guy on first base.

ABBOTT:
Who.

COSTELLO:
The guy on first base.

ABBOTT:
Who.

COSTELLO:
The guy on first base.

ABBOTT:
Who is on first!

COSTELLO:
Now whaddya askin' me for?

ABBOTT:
I'm telling you Who is on first.

COSTELLO:
Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first!

ABBOTT:
That's the man's name.

COSTELLO:
That's who's name?

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
Well go ahead and tell me.

ABBOTT:
Who.

COSTELLO:
The guy on first.

ABBOTT:
Who!

COSTELLO:
The first baseman.

ABBOTT:
Who is on first!

COSTELLO:
Now wait a minute. (pause) Have you got a contract with the first baseman?

ABBOTT:
Absolutely.

COSTELLO:
Who signs the contract?

ABBOTT:
Well, naturally!

(pause)

COSTELLO:
When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

ABBOTT:
Every dollar of it. (pause) Why not? The man's entitled to it.

COSTELLO:
Who is?

ABBOTT:
Yes. (pause) Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

COSTELLO:
Who's wife?

ABBOTT:
Right.

(pause)

COSTELLO:
All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on first base!

ABBOTT:
Oh, no--wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on second base.

COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second.

ABBOTT:
Who is on first.

COSTELLO:
I don't know.

ABBOTT:
He's on third--now we're not talkin' about him.

COSTELLO:
Now, how did I get on third base?

ABBOTT:
You mentioned his name.

COSTELLO:
I mentioned his name! If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

ABBOTT:
No--Who is playing first.

COSTELLO:
Never mind first! I wanna know what's the guy's name on third.

ABBOTT:
No--What's on second.

COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second!

ABBOTT:
Who's on first.

COSTELLO:
I don't know!

ABBOTT:
He's on third.

COSTELLO:
Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don't go off it?

ABBOTT:
What is it you want?

COSTELLO:
Now tell me who's playin' third base?

ABBOTT:
Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

COSTELLO:
Why? Who am I putting over there?

ABBOTT:
Yes. But we don't want him there.

COSTELLO:
We don't want who there?

ABBOTT:
Of course not.

COSTELLO:
What's the guy's name on third base?

ABBOTT:
What belongs on second.

COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second.

ABBOTT:
Who's on first.

COSTELLO:
I don't know!

ABBOTT & COSTELLO:
THIRD BASE!

(pause)

COSTELLO:
You got an outfield?

ABBOTT:
Oh yes!

COSTELLO:
The left fielder's name?

ABBOTT:
Why.

(pause)

COSTELLO:
I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.

ABBOTT:
Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

COSTELLO:
Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field.

ABBOTT:
Who is playing first--

COSTELLO:
STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what's the left fielder's name.

ABBOTT:
What's on second.

COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second.

ABBOTT:
Who's on first.

COSTELLO:
I don't know.

ABBOTT & COSTELLO:
THIRD BASE!

(pause)

COSTELLO:
Can you tell me the left fielder's name?

ABBOTT:
Why.

COSTELLO:
Because!

ABBOTT:
Oh, he's center field. (pause) I can't help it, Lou--these are the guys' names.

(pause)

COSTELLO:
Look, you got a pitcher on this team?

ABBOTT:
Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

COSTELLO:
Okay, tell me the pitcher's name.

ABBOTT:
Tomorrow.

(pause)

COSTELLO:
You don't wanna tell me today?

ABBOTT:
I'm tellin' you now.

COSTELLO:
Then go ahead.

ABBOTT:
Tomorrow.

COSTELLO:
What time?

ABBOTT:
What time what?

COSTELLO:
What time tomorrow you gonna tell me who's pitching?

ABBOTT:
Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir--

COSTELLO:
I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM you say Who's on first! I wanna know what's the pitcher's name.

ABBOTT:
What's on second.

COSTELLO:
I don't know.

ABBOTT & COSTELLO:
THIRD BASE!

COSTELLO:
You got a catcher?

ABBOTT:
Oh, absolutely.

COSTELLO:
The catcher's name?

ABBOTT:
Today.

COSTELLO:
Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

ABBOTT:
Now you've got it.

COSTELLO:
All we got is a couple of days on the team.

ABBOTT:
Well, I can't help that.

COSTELLO:
Well, I'm a catcher too.

ABBOTT:
I know that.

COSTELLO:
Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

ABBOTT:
Now that's the first thing you've said right.

COSTELLO:
I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!

ABBOTT:
Well, that's all you have to do.

COSTELLO:
--is to throw the ball to first base.

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
Now who's got it?

ABBOTT:
Naturally!

COSTELLO:
If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta catch it. Now who caught it?

ABBOTT:
Naturally!

(pause)

COSTELLO:
Who caught it?

ABBOTT:
Naturally.

(pause)

COSTELLO:
Who?

ABBOTT:
Naturally!

COSTELLO:
Naturally.

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

ABBOTT:
NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it.

COSTELLO:
Naturally.

ABBOTT:
That's right. There we go.

COSTELLO:
So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

ABBOTT:
You don't!

COSTELLO:
I throw it to who?

ABBOTT:
Naturally.

COSTELLO:
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

ABBOTT:
No you're not, Lou.

COSTELLO:
I said I throw the ball to Naturally.

ABBOTT:
You don't--you throw it to Who?

COSTELLO:
Naturally!

ABBOTT:
Well, say that!

COSTELLO:
THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I throw the ball to who?

ABBOTT:
Naturally.

COSTELLO:
You ask me.

ABBOTT:
You throw the ball to Who?

COSTELLO:
Naturally.

ABBOTT:
That's it.

COSTELLO:
SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it?

ABBOTT:
Naturally!

COSTELLO:
Who has it?

ABBOTT:
Naturally!

COSTELLO:
HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow--triple play!

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
Another guy gets up--it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a damn!

ABBOTT:
What was that?

COSTELLO:
I said I don't give a damn!

ABBOTT:
Oh, that's our shortstop.

(Costello has a caniption-fit.)

[Loser]

Here's that portion.

And here's the whole show they built around that routine for radio.

[Wardad]

MIND GAME


This is strange. Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.

* There's no trick or surprise.

* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).
























Think of a number from 1 to 10
































Multiply that number by 9







































If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together







































Now subtract 5












































Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with

(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)











































Think of a country that starts with that letter






































Remember the Last letter of the name of that country
















































Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter












































Remember the Last letter in the name of that animal












































Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter










































Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?





I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Keep this message going. This one is actually worth sending on to others. Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are usual or unusual.

[Taera]

yay, im in the 2%...

[deccan]

Apparently, I'm in the 2% too. I thought of "koala bear" instead of kangaroo.

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Wardad:
* There's no trick or surprise.

Actually, there is something of a trick: the first section will ALWAYS yield a 4, and hence a D:

Originally posted by Wardad:
Think of a number from 1 to 10
Multiply that number by 9

So we have either 9, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81, or 90 (assuming a counting number is selected, anyway)

Originally posted by Wardad:
If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together

9 is a one digit, leave it alone; 1 + 8 = 9; 2 + 7 = 9; 3 + 6 = 9; 4 + 5 = 9; 5 + 4 = 9; 6 + 3 = 9; 7 + 2 = 9; 8 + 1 = 9; 9 + 0 = 9; 9 is the ONLY option at this point.

Originally posted by Wardad:

Now subtract 5

9 - 5 = 4; again, it will always be a 4 here.

Originally posted by Wardad:

Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with

(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)

a,b,c,d
D will always be selected, if a person't math is honest, they know their abc's, and they pick an integer in the initial range. Past that point, it is a matter of familiarity. Shakespeare made Denmark well known, the kangaroo is the first animal people usually think of if asked for an animal begining with 'K' as it goes in almost all of the ABC's books, and is just an odd word. Orange is a common choice for the same reason.

It's only freaky until you start analizing it. After that, it makes perfect sense that ~ 98% of the population will go with the predicted selections.