Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz quickly grabs the 300th Cantina post...and whirls on over to David's thread to see what I'm doing!!

[Growltigger]

OK, Episode 2 closes with thumping good music, pictures of the TSSS Phong's Head zooming past the screen, and the occassional still shot of Captain Jean Luc looking heroic, photon torpedoes hitting the klingon ship, Kamog stuffed in the brig with jawas, S'Katchoo doing the hokey kokey with a bunch of ponces, a still from the Captain's video, more pictures of Jena Luc looking heroic and the like.

OK, episode 2 was a bit of a minger. What are we doing for episode 3? we need something with a bit more action, a more pazzazz and joi de vivre

Any (sensible) ideas

[Erax]

I still vote for S'Katchoo's Brain.

[Power Man]

How about the oen were the DS9 folks went back in time to the Tribble episode in the Old Star Trek. We would have to "behave" ourselves as to not contaminate the time line. RD could be the villian trying to kill of Kirk and mess up the time line.

And I would get to try out to Real "Tribble Wings" made with real Tribbles.
UMMM Tribble wings, ALGGGGGG . Drool slobber slobber.....

[dogscoff]

After remembering just how bad the original episode was, S'Katchoo's brain clinches it.

Here's the synopsis (Couldn't find a script).

[Growltigger]

Cue opening credits, sights of the TSSS Phong's Head shooting through space and even more heroic pictures of the intrepid crew of this galactic marvel...

The episode banner pops up onto the screen, "THE QUEST FOR S'KATCHOO's BRAIN"

Camera pans back to a space view of the TSSS Phong's Head. The camera zooms in through the viewport to the main bridge, where Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat is dictating a message to Starfleet about the recent battle with the Klingon cruiser

The TSSS Phong's Head is on a routine mission to monitor the methane clouds of Fart Point. All is calm and our brave, heroic and extremely sexy captain decides to have a cup of tea in his ready room. All is peaceful on the bridge of the TSSS Phong's Head, with all the crew happily getting on with their tasks, even the fey Mr S'Katchoo, who has recovered from his "Village People-esque" experiences with the minger crew and is busy at his science station...

The captain is happily imbibing his cup of tea, and looking at a well thumbed copy of the May "Hot Federation Babes"...He is astonished to look onto his view screen into the bridge when a beautiful young woman beams onto the bridge....

The Captain is staggered to see some fresh young blart on the ship, and rushes onto the bridge in, ahemm, anticipation of showing her his favourite holodeck programme involving the marmite, ball bearings, prohpylactic, swarfega and small labrador called Barney...

Without a word, the cute bird touches a band on her wrist and everyone is rendered unconscious, including our heroic captain.

A few minutes later, Captain Jean Luc awakes, as does Mr Power Man and the rest of the bridge crew.
"Hey, where has that wretched ponce Mr S'Katchoo gone, if he has stolen another shuttle craft and is doing his saturday night fever impression in a nebula somewhere, I swear I will phaser the bugger" shouts Jean Luc

"Doctor Geo to the Captain" squarks the intercom, "dammit, Captain, I'm a doctor not a cavity reconstruction specialist, get your furry backside down here to sickbay

The Captain goes rushing down to sickbay, Mr S'Katchoo's body lies on a diagnostic table, on full life support. Doctor Geo explains that his brain is gone ... miraculously removed with some technology that the doctor has never seen before. Every nerve was sealed and there was no blood lost.

However, Geo tells the Captain that the downside is that if the mincing tart's brain isn't returned to his body within 24 hours, Mr S'Katchoo will die...

Dammit Captain, I am a doctor, not a plot writer...

Hmmm thinks the Captain, S'Katchoo will snuff it if we dont get his brain back in 24 hours?? tempting, it is sooo tempting not to try it!

PS note to self, go down to ten forward and check that Taz/Guinan hasn't come up with a new meaty dip for the tribble wings

[ June 02, 2003, 18:10: Message edited by: Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat ]

[Power Man]

Captain , I have reviewed the sensor logs from the encounter. The cute bird's ship was of an unknown but advanced design. It appears to have an advanced Ion Drive !
I bet chief engineer Erax would just Love to check under her Hood!

Our "Beagle Nose" sensors have picked up the trail of the alien ship.
I am setting course to follow and overtake.

Captain: I know it's tempting to just continue on. But just think of all the paper work you will have to fill out !!
Besides S'Katchoo does play, I mean Practice Ship Maneuvers, in a mean game of Star Fury and I'd miss that.

[Raging Deadstar]

Awww cripes i have nothing to do in this episode (did i just say cripes?)

Ok i'll just continue my investigations on the crew of the Phong's head

*On Board the Phongs Head the Probe droid is still under the hologram disguise of the ensign, he walks down the corridor and heads into the engineers department. There Erax is currently having a haggis sandwhich. The ensign walks over to him and silently injects Erax with a fast acting drug. Erax turns round to look but only sees the feet of the attacker as his body slumps to the ground*

*Erax awakes in his drugged state and is now tied in a chair bolted to a machine. He stares constantly at the decloacked probe droid and is mesmorised by the flashing lights, the drug quickly spreads throuhgout his system and he is drooling slightly*

"Chief Engineer Erax, who is your loyalty to? I also want access codes to Jean Luc Le Grand Chats log, i believe you have something that could help me?And is it true you're having an affair with Kamog down here...? "

[Katchoo]

A low, haunting noise ememnates from the hollow space in Mr. S'Katchoo's head as the air from the nearby air conditioning unit blows through.

The noise attracts several hillbillies from Fartpoint who had sneaked aboard. The hillbilles, wearing ratty looking denim overalls, strawhats, and covered in dirt, sneak into Sickbay.

Hillbilly # 1: "Hey Pa, this here fella's makes the same noise as yer bottle of Moonshine when you blow on it."

Hillbilly # 2: "He sure does, Billy Bo. Grab me that there chair and i'll play us a jig."

The Hillbillies shout "YEEEEEHAWWWW* and the older Hillbilly begins to blow in Mr. S'Katchoo's ear, producing a low tone.

* oooooo * OOOO * oooooooooo * OOO * oooooooooo * OOO * ooo * OOOOOOOOOOO *

Naturally, a hoe-down breaks out, and Sickbay becomes a Hillbilly festival.

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz, as usual behind the bar in Ten Forward, is experimenting with new hot sauces to go on the tribble wings. He reads the label on his newest find:
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Dave's Insanity Sauce

Dave's original! This is the only sauce ever Banned from the National Fiery Foods show. Not only is it a good sauce, but Dave says it "strips waxed floors and removes driveway grease stains." Tomato sauce, onions, hot pepper extract, hot peppers, vinegar, spices, soy oil and garlic salt.
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Liking the sound of the above description, Taz pours out a generous amount on some of the tribble wings.

A hillbilly-looking type fellow approaches the bar and, seeing what Taz is doing, produces a bottle and hands it to Taz. This bottle reads:
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Screaming Sphincter

Weez gessin it alls strartud when grama wuz in tha outhouse a yellin and cussin. Shur nuff she'd gottin into the hot stuff. Cayenne, vinegar, salt and spices.
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Taz figures it's worth a try and covers the remaining Tribble wings with this new sauce.

Taz then begins to look for some likely candidates to try these new Hot Tribble Wings on...

BTW - both of these sauces are real - they can be found here: www.geckogarys.com/mall/WayTooHot.asp
To be tried at your own risk!!!

[ June 03, 2003, 04:35: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]