Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Loser]

Now they're really big and really slow....

I don't think I can lose.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

i just poured the cheese in the boiling craft dinner. i feel really stupid.

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
i just poured the cheese in the boiling craft dinner. i feel really stupid.

You mean before you drained the water? Well, that's not too bad, just serve KD soup instead. (You'll actually get more servings out of it.) and people will think it's unique and exotic.

Cheers!

[Wardad]

Microsoft acquires Electrolux, makes numerous design revisions.
Finally releases a product that doesn't suck.
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A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a pick-up on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, " 'Bout what? "
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A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four Languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God"
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Oldie but goodie:

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got internet access to Intel Forums!"

[deccan]

Originally posted by Loser:
Now they're really big and really slow....

I don't think I can lose.

Maybe you can consider the real challenge as how many you can get in a single swat!

[Loser]

Nah, for a challenge I'll go bounce a tire. If you get your score above 500, you get a special message when you finally lose.

[Loser]

Originally posted by deccan:
Maybe you can consider the real challenge as how many you can get in a single swat!

Well, I'm up to sixteen hundred and it won't put any more than eight on the screen. So the most I can swat at one time is eight, so far.

[Kamog]

Those are great jokes, Wardad. I especially like the instruction labels ones.

[CEO TROLL]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
i just poured the cheese in the boiling craft dinner. i feel really stupid.

I overcooked MAC$CHEESE once.
I was listening to my son lie to questions about his day at school. The school had called earlier and told me he had skipped 3 days.
So I served the overcooked MAC&Cheese slop.
When he complained, I told him I am better cook than he is a student.

[tesco samoa]

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After
15 minutes speaking he says, 'I will now answer any questions you have.'

Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes off and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning,
Mr. Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any
questions you have.'

A little girl named Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?