Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

Wedding Bliss

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

the difference between...

the difference between a romulon and a klingon: a klingon will only stab you in the front.

the difference between a romulon and a cardasian: the romulon won't enjoy stabbing you. well, not as much.

the difference between a cardasian and the dominion: the dominion'll just stab you.

the difference between the dominion and a ferengi: the dominion won't use lawyer's.

the difference between a romulon and a vulcan: well, logically speaking...*raises an eyebrow*

[Kamog]

the difference between a Klingon and a Bajoran: a Klingon will challenge you a Bat'leth fight to the death; a Bajoran will stab you in the back.

the difference between a Klingon and a Borg: negotiation is irrelevant. You will be assimilated.

the difference between a Klingon and a Vorlon: The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

since when did the bajoran's stab people in the back?

they blow you up with planted bomb's, you filthy oppreser.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

yes, the romulan's did do a transition from honerable to dishonerable and the klingon's did the reverse, now that you mention it. not to mention 'what happened to your face, man?' to qoute somebody on the forum's.

[rdouglass]

A teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer were driving home together from a fishing trip when the vehicle blows a tire and flips over killing all three.

As they all stood in line waiting to be checked for admittance into heaven, the three started discussing how the world would remember them and what they hoped people would say about them at their wake.

The teacher said "I want people to say how I was a fine educator and how some of my students grew into prominent positions of stature."

The doctor said "I want people to say how I was a skilled surgeon and saved many lives and enhanced many others."

The lawyer said " I want people to say 'Look, he's moving!!!"

[Wardad]

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* metrics
* economies of scale
* game plan
* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULL***T!"





Testimonials from satisfied "Bull***t Bingo" players:

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."- Adam W., Atlanta

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."- David T., Florida

"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."- Dan J., New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the Last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULL***T!' for the third time in two hours."- Carl G., Ca.

So try it! Besides your job, what have you got to lose?!

[Thermodyne]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Ottawa parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the Prime Minister for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Bon Jour. Jean Chretien, How might I help you?" And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at your favourite Parish. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Wouldye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

The Prime Minister, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of Last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[Thermodyne]

Noah in Canada
A little updated Bible story, if Noah lived today...
The Lord came to Noah in Canada in the year 2003. Earth was wicked
and overpopulated. The Lord instructed Noah to build an ark and save two
of every living thing along with a few good humans. Here's the
blueprint," said the Lord. "Hurry. In six months I start the unending rain
for 40
days and 40 nights.

Six months later the rain came down. The Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his flooded yard -- and no ark. "Noah," He roared, "Where's
my ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I have violated the zoning laws by
building the ark in my yard and the height limitation is being exceeded.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then
Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro One wanted a bond
posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead
obstructions to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I argued
the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.
"Getting wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go! I
gathered the
animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted I was
confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the
accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in so confined a space.

"Environment Canada decided that I could not build the ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. I'm still
trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many
minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trade unions want
me
to hire only union trades people with ark building experience. To make
matters
worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally and with endangered
species.

So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least 10 years to finish this
ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not
going
to destroy the world?" he asked.
"No," said the Lord, "your government already has!"

submitted by email, author unknown

Copyright 2003 Cantender.com

[Thermodyne]

Brass Monkey

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters
carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.
It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to
prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method
devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting
on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small
area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to
prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The
solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
But,if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.

The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few
landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far,
the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls
would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
monkey ............