Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Growltigger]

A husband and wife are in their bedroom. The man is in bed, reading a sports magazine, the wife is standing naked in front of the mirror looking at herself.

She says, "Darling, I really am feeling down, my fair is going gray and is a mess, I have laughter lines and crows feet, I have a double chin, my breasts are sagging, I am fat and the cellutlite on my thighs is like sandpaper, my backside is growing to be like two sides of beefs and my legs are full of varicose veins and are horrible, please say something nice to me, I need cheering up".

The man looks up from his paper and says "love, your eyesight is 20/20"

[Wardad]

*** You just can't win, and here are the reasons why: ***

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.



[ October 31, 2003, 19:44: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[nesrall]

What do you call Rossanne Barr with a yeast infection?


A DOUBLE WHOPPER WITH CHEESE!!!! LMAO!

[Wardad]

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally pLastered.
The first guy said, ''Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!''
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ''YOU'RE ON!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot.

''WOW,'' screamed the 2nd guy, ''That was incredible. Do it again!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend.
''That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

''Ok,'' said the first guy, ''But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back.
''Your turn,'' he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ''This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window.
He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact.

Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'''

[Wardad]

You Might Be a Redneck Jedi If...

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.

You have a singing fishing hanging from the rear view mirror of your X-Wing.

You have ever used The Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

You have neon lights under your landspeeder.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You consider your light saber as the ultimate bug zapper.

Your Jedi mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..."

Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard.

A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

You pick your teeth with the light saber.

You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Your Jedi mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..."

that's a widely known joke among people with mischevious senses of humor.

[Wardad]

Not what you'd call photo journalism at its best.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/oxford/news/200...ctricity.shtml

But, the picture does tell the story.

[Kamog]

You have ever used The Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

Being a Jedi would be SO handy for many sports and games... it would be incredibly easy to get super rich with Jedi abilities. With telekinesis, mind control, and seeing into the future, gambling would be really fun.

[SpaceBadger]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
ran into this on a bumper sticker:

Yikes, I hope no one was hurt in the collision!

SpaceBadger

[narf poit chez BOOM]

where do you think the corpse came from?