Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

Things Women Never Say

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

The new girl in my office is a stripper; I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again? Kick --s!

It's only the third quarter; you should order a couple more pitchers.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day!

Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare butt!

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter.

Honey, pull my finger!

[Wardad]

Cannibals...

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
"No" and "I" are not sentences, they are sentence fragments.

You are incorrect. The definition of "sentence" accoring to the American Heritage Dictionary is:

A grammatical unit that is syntactically independent and has a subject that is expressed or, as in imperative sentences, understood and a predicate that contains at least one finite verb.

Note carefully that 'syntactically independent' does NOT mean that the sentence cannot be dependant on other sentances for context or meaning. So by that definition "No.", "Go.", or "I am." are all perfectly acceptable sentences. As long as we are both talking about "I" in it's latin meaning of "Go." I would agree that "I" in english is not syntactically independent, and therfore is not a sentance.

I do have a single word sentance that requires no additional information to be completely and clearly understood.

"Duck!"

However, duck is four letters, so technically it's longer then "I am." despite being only one word. It is faster to say though, being only one syllable instead of two.

Pretty much any verb can be used as an imperative one word sentance where the subject is unterstood from the context in which it is used.

Geoschmo

[ November 13, 2003, 12:42: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[Wardad]

Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide.. One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."..

"What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife as well, and I'm getting

a little desperate.".. "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does

your wife look like?".. "She's tall, with long blond hair, long firm legs,

huge boobs and a very nice tight butt. What's your wife look like?"..

"Never mind, let's look for yours

[tesco samoa]

now read this thread like this

http://www.psyclops.com/translator/t...;f=23;t=009580

http://www.psyclops.com/translator/t...0&mode=redneck


p.s. new strongbad

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail88.html

[deccan]

Originally posted by tesco samoa:
http://www.psyclops.com/translator/t...0&mode=redneck

Who's Leroy?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Leo's older brother. he left the circus. said he didn't like chair's.

[Ed Kolis]

Rick, Susan, and Amy were hanging around when all of a sudden the phone rang. Rick got to it first so he answered.

"Hello?"

Through the handset, Rick heard what no earthly man was meant to hear, and immediately began sputtering gibberish, then clutched his head, writhed in pain, and fell to the floor unconscious.

"What happened to him?" asked Susan.

"Oh, he must have answered the call of Cthulhu", said Amy.

[Wardad]

This year's "Feeling old?"

THE CLASS OF 2007

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1985.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.


There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.

They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the cold war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and pLastic.


Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the
"Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird or Magic Johnson play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"

They do not care who shot J.R.and have no idea who J.R.was.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Mother Superior gathers up all the nuns in the convent and says, "I have to tell you something...We now have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

A nun at the back says, "Thank God. I am SO tired of the Chardonnay."

[Ed Kolis]

Young Kasparov, upon seeing a zebra at the zoo:
"Look, Daddy! That knight can't decide which side he's on!"