Jokes and Riddles Centre

[narf poit chez BOOM]

a really bad joke...

once apon a time, there was a fisherman who went out farther and in more dangerous weather than anyone else. in fact, he went out no matter the weather, even in gales. when the other fishermen asked him how he did it, this fisherman, who wasn't very articulate, just mumbled "no capsize." this left the other fishermen very puzzled. what did it mean? did he mean that he couldn't capsize? that he knew some secret to keep from capsizing? did he just not capsize and not know why? however, they got their answer's finally, after many weeks of asking, when they learned it was something he didn't have that they did. the fisherman, obviously making an effort, pointed firmly at his hatless head and said "no cap size."

i told you it was a really bad joke and i'm not responcible for any mental trauma, nail biting, intense urges to kill me, halotosis or going out fishing without a hat and getting mauled by the other fishermen for a gross violation of etiquete*.

*i have never been fishing.

[Wardad]

WHO SAID MEN AREN'T SENSITIVE?


A woman meets a guy in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.
Huge enormous bearson the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by the evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over andasks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns:"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[Wardad]

Everybody that has been a college student MUST feel for this guy!!!


Electron Band Structure In Germanium, My A**

Abstract: The exponential dependence of resistivity on temperature in germanium is found to be a great big lie. My careful theoretical modeling and painstaking experimentation reveal 1) that my equipment is crap, as are all the available texts on the subject and 2) that this whole exercise was a complete waste of my time.


Introduction

Electrons in germanium are confined to well-defined energy bands that are separated by "forbidden regions" of zero charge-carrier density. You can read about it yourself if you want to, although I don't recommend it. You'll have to wade through an obtuse, convoluted discussion about considering an arbitrary number of non-coupled harmonic-oscillator potentials and taking limits and so on. The upshot is that if you heat up a sample of germanium, electrons will jump from a non-conductive energy band to a conductive one, thereby creating a measurable change in resistivity. This relation between temperature and resistivity can be shown to be exponential in certain temperature regimes by waving your hands and chanting "to first order".


Experiment procedure

I sifted through the box of germanium crystals and chose the one that appeared to be the least cracked. Then I soldered wires onto the crystal in the spots shown in figure 2b of Lab Handout 32. Do you have any idea how hard it is to solder wires to germanium? I'll tell you: real goddamn hard. The solder simply won't stick, and you can forget about getting any of the grad students in the solid state labs to help you out.
Once the wires were in place, I attached them as appropriate to the second-rate equipment I scavenged from the back of the lab, none of which worked properly. I soon wised up and swiped replacements from the well-stocked research labs. This is how they treat undergrads around here: they give you broken tools and then don't understand why you don't get any results.


Fig. 1: Check this sh** out.
In order to control the temperature of the germanium, I attached the crystal to a copper rod, the upper end of which was attached to a heating coil and the lower end of which was dipped in a thermos of liquid nitrogen. Midway through the project, the thermos began leaking. That's right: I pay a cool ten grand a quarter to come here, and yet they can't spare the five bucks to ensure that I have a working thermos.


Results

Check this sh** out (Fig. 1). That's bonafide, 100%-real data, my friends. I took it myself over the course of two weeks. And this was not a leisurely two weeks, either; I busted my butt day and night in order to provide you with nothing but the best data possible. Now, let's look a bit more closely at this data, remembering that it is absolutely first-rate. Do you see the exponential dependence? I sure don't. I see a bunch of crap.
Christ, this was such a waste of my time.
Banking on my hopes that whoever grades this will just look at the pictures, I drew an exponential through my noise. I believe the apparent legitimacy is enhanced by the fact that I used a complicated computer program to make the fit. I understand this is the same process by which the top quark was discovered.


Conclusion

Going into physics was the biggest mistake of my life. I should've declared CS. I still wouldn't have any women, but at least I'd be rolling in cash.

[ December 05, 2003, 00:51: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Slynky]

"Pun Man" strikes again:

Two peanuts walk into a rowdy bar. One was asalted.
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in
here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer
please, and one for the road."
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Two antenna meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much but the reception was great.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste
funny to you?"
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
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Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says
"Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
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I went to a seafood disco Last week.... and pulled a mussel.
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What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!"

[Kamog]

Originally posted by Wardad:
Everybody that has been a college student MUST feel for this guy!!!

Yes. When I was in school, I many spent long nights in the lab doing frustrating experiments that don't work well. I majored in engineering physics, and the worst labs were on analog electronics design and feedback-control systems. I remember designing analog circuits based on the textbook equations, and then I simulated them on the computer, and the simulated characteristics didn't match my calculations. Then I built the actual circuit and tested it, and the results don't match either my calculations nor my computer simulation. So after many days and nights of work, not being able to get the results to match, I end up adding a lot of "parasitic capacitances" and stray resistances and so on in the math to try to adjust the numbers to be similar. Then the inverted-pendulum balancing feedback control system lab was a lot of trouble, too. The thing never worked very well and we worked so hard on it... Oh, and those frustrating chemistry experiments that don't work! Lab experiments often do not match textbook theory.

[Wardad]

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

They're up in heaven and God's sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses Al first."Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I
believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve.

I have come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge
against my fellow man and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Hillary."Hillary, what do you believe in?"

Hillary says "I believe you're in my chair."

[Wardad]

There were these two gay guys in a bar.
One walks up to the other and says...
"Can I push in your stool?"
=====

There were these two gay women in a bar.
One walks up to the other and says...
"Les-be-friends."
=====

There were these two gay guys in a bar.
One walks up to the other and says...
"Let's blow this joint."
=====

do you know any more?

[Wardad]

A Short Hot Love Story............


I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU...

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL

YOU GRUNT AND GROAN...

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU

WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE.

YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.






ALL MY LOVE,

THE FLU

Just a reminder..............time to get a flu shot.

[Wardad]

Man, this just kills me. Happy BK Holiday:


http://load.pquinn.com/binaries/fries/

[Wardad]

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.