Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Kamog]

LOL. That one is funny!

[Erax]

A man dies and goes to heaven, but is told that Heaven is full at the moment and that he will be temporarily assigned to Hell. Furious at this (and remembering all the fun stuff he never did just so he could get into Heaven), he demands to see St. Peter. St. Peter arrives, takes him to a quiet corner and says, "You know, Hell is not what you think. There are no torture devices or fire, we made those up so you people on Earth would behave. In fact, Hell is similar to Earth, except that everyone owns a car and there's beer and women for everyone."

The guy has a hard time believing this, but given that it's St. Peter telling him these things he finally gives in and signs the transfer forms. The angel at the desk smiles and points him to an elevator.

He enters the elevator, and the Devil enters right after him. The doors close and the elevator starts going down, as the Devil rubs his hands and snickers.

The man, who by now is tired of being pushed around, faces the Devil and says, "You don't scare me, pal. I have it on good authority that Hell is just like Earth, except that everyone owns a car and there's beer and women for everyone."

"The devil grins and says, "Yes, but the car is Russian, the beer is American and the women are psychologists."

[Wardad]

LOL! There really is a HELL!

[Wardad]

This made me chuckle!

CREDIT CARD

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"

CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

[Wardad]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

how'd they ever get married????

[Wardad]

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

when i was in school, something, perhaps my shoulder-length hair, prompted some people to try to insult me by implying i was a girl. this is about what 80%+ of them said: "He's a girl." generally, word for word.

somehow, i just couldn't feel insulted by people with that loose a grasp of the english language. aside from the slight fact that i was kinda over the 'girl germs' stage.

[Loser]

Your school was, I think, very different from mine, Narf.

When I was in tenth grade one of the anti-heroes, rebellious types generally of the leather-and-chains, skater, or granola crowds, wore a skirt to school. Tom Poe was a leather-jacket-wearing punk, a very intelligent and personable guy. He was suspended for three days for 'causing a distraction' or somesuch.

The next day hundreds of guys were wears skirts. Jocks, punks, hippies, goths (oh especially the goths, and fishnet too), wunderkind, hicks, everyone had some guy in their circle who wore a skirt some time in the next few weeks. Tom still had to serve out the rest of his little sentence, but the school officials sure as heck didn't do anything about any other guys wearing skirts. In fact, there were at least three guys (all straight) who continued to wear skirts with some frequency for the rest of their time at Palmer.

As an epilog, Tom Poe dropped out the next year. I ran into him a while back and he owns about a dozen houses that he maintains himself and rents out. He still dresses in the black denim, leather-and-chains style, but now he drives a Porsche.

The whole three years I was at that school, no one ever, ever got ragged on for the way they dressed or the way they kept their hair. Not even the two or three Rasta-wannabes. And no one was ever publicly called out for questionable handling of their love-lives. You can be sure the word '****' was used at some point, but it was never a big enough deal that someone got hurt.

Damn that was an incredible school, I sometimes wish life after High School was more like High School and less like Junior High. I just thought everyone grew up, I didn't know that Palmer was a special place.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

well, high-school was better than elementary. but i think that's all i want to say, because i'm still trying to forgive.