Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:




MENtal illness




MENstrual cramps




MENtal breakdown




MENopause




GUYnecologist ..

AND .

When women have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

[Wardad]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -
this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to Last before you take out the trash, so it's an
even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will Last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with
the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done.You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[narf poit chez BOOM]

i think you posted that before.

[Wardad]

or something like it...


how about a blond joke?

What do you call an intelligent blond?

ans:
A Golden Retriever.

[ December 15, 2003, 22:26: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

This happened in a little town in Mexico, and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s real.


This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.


Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. Without thinking about it, the guy got in the car and closes the door just to realize there’s nobody behind the wheel. The car starts off slowly, the guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming this way. Scared, he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn’t come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve.


Gathering strength, the guy gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went thru. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn’t drunk.


About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, “Look Pepe, that’s the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it.”

[narf poit chez BOOM]

hmm...possilby another 'rocket engine on a trunk'...

[ December 15, 2003, 23:59: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Wardad]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
hmm...possilby another 'rocket engine on a trunk'...

U ASKED FOR IT >>>

http://firststory.homestead.com/file...Rocketcar3.htm

and don't miss the launch....

http://firststory.homestead.com/file...Rocketcar2.htm

[ December 16, 2003, 15:31: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT OR DOG...

TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from your neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Shoot the pill down his throat with a rubber band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your Last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take Last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little b*stard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Berough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for the ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and phone local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

TO MEDICATE YOUR DOG:

1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

ran into this in the sig of an Michael A Chase at baen's bar(forum).

Give a hobbit a fish and he eats fish for a day.
Give a hobbit a ring and he eats fish for an age.

and this is funny: http://stargate.thefifthimperium.com/

[ December 17, 2003, 05:38: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[rdouglass]

+--------------- Bizarre Acts of Dumbness -----------------+

A man who said he was "tired of walking" stole a steamroller
and led police on a chase that never went over 5 mph. Fina-
lly, a police officer walked up and jumped onto the machine,
forcing the man to stop.

A businesswoman was at work one day in San Francisco when a
colleague saw her take out her credit card and slide it into
the 3.5-inch floppy drive on the computer. Her colleague
asked her what she was doing and she explained that she was
shopping on the Internet.

A 23-year-old woman was arrested at the Salt Lake City air-
port hotel when she tried to pay for her visit with three
$16 bills.

A man who installed windows in skyscrapers was showing his
customers how strong each pane of glass was by getting a 10-
foot running start and jumping against the windows from the
inside. However, the windows must not have been as strong as
he thought: one shattered and he plummeted 27 stories to his
death.

Two Texas men tried to rob an ATM by attaching the ends of a
chain to the front of the machine and the bumper of their
truck. When they pulled, the bumper fell off the truck. The
men then panicked and fled the scene, failing to notice that
their license plate was still on the bumper.


***