Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Atrocities]

Redneck Drivers License Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]Can't tell
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
if you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still
slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom/outhouse
[_] shed [_] pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you Subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

[Atrocities]

FarmCA Humor Archives HUNTING two

THE HUNTER'S DIARY
1:00 am Alarm clock rings. 2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed. 3:00 am L' Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup. 3:05 am". Leave for the deep woods. 3:15 am'- Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 am Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent. 4:30 am- Head into the woods. 6:05 am - See eight deer. 6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 am:- "Click". 6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill. 8:00 am L Head back to camp.
9:00 am:. Still looking for camp..
10:00 and - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 PM - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 PM Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 PM - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 PM - Rescued.
12:55 PM - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 PM - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 PM - leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 PM - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 PM - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 PM - Load gun.
6:02 PM - Fire gun.
6:03 PM - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 PM : Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 PM - Fall into fire.
6:10 PM - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 PM • Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 PM - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 PM - Start walking.
6:30 PM Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 PM - Meet bear.
6:36 PM - Take aim.
6:37 PM - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 PM - Make mess in pants..
6:39 pin - Climb tree.
9:00 PM - Bear departs - wraps gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at Last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting
license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game
Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.

IT'S LABELED:
Simon and Bubba are going deer hunting on his uncle's land.
The uncle doesn't want any of his cows getting shot, so he tells them that he has every deer in the area labeled "Deer", so they'll know when they see one.
The very next day, the uncle goes out into his front yard and sees his brand new John Deere Tractor dead.

NOT GETTING YOUR MONEY'S WORTH:
Simon and Bubba were out hunting in the woods when Simon decided he couldn't wait to go to the bathroom anymore. "Man, Bubba, I've got to use the bathroom", he said, "but I don"t have any toilet paper". "Just use a dollar", said Bubba.
So Simon proceeded around a tree to do his business. A few minutes later he came from behind the tree with brown stuff all over his hands.
"I thought I told you to use a dollar", exclaimed Bubba.
"I did", said Simon, "but have you ever tried to wipe your bottom side with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel"?

SLIPPED AND FELL
A guy was telling his friend about his recent hunting trip to Alaska. "We were out in the woods all morning and our guide decided that we should take a break along the river bank. I wasn't feeling tired so I went for a stroll while the others were resting. As I was walking, a grizzly bear burst out of the undergrowth in front of me. I turned and started running like hell through the woods with the bear after me. The bear almost caught up with me but slipped and fell down. I kept running and the bear almost caught up with me again twice, but slipped and fell each time. I finally reached the river bank. The guide saw the bear chasing me and shot it dead." "Wow!" replied his friend, "That's incredible. If I were you, I would have wet myself." The first guy answered, "What do you think the bear was slipping.

Bear Hunters
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge boar, shot at it ,but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he cold. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

IDENTIFICATION TAG:
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bans used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated: Wash. Boil. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from a weekend camper:
"'Dear Sirs: While camping Last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
'The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

IRISH HUNTER
Finian Finegan was doing some brickwork on the fireplace in Mr. Cabot's expensive home. He was much impressed by the moosehead over the fireplace.
Tis a beautiful animal, Mr.. Cabot, bigger even than the great Irish Deer, Oi'm thinkin." t'
"Yes," said Mr. Cabot, "that moose was a fighter among moose. I traveled for three days into the back country where I hunted this moose. I passed up four other bulls before I came upon this gigantic track. I tracked him for another day and a half before sighting the monster. It took three hours before I could get into a position Where I could shoot him, and when I finally got the monster down and butchered him, it took no less than four pack ponies to carry the meat and head out. That's what a truly huge trophy he was."
Shaking his reddish curls in admiration, Finian said, "Truly, tis a great hunter you are, Sir, and a great animal that is. Do you mind if Oi go into the next room and see the rest of him?"

THE EXPERT:
The game warden approached a duck hunter, asking if he had shot any ducks or geese. When the hunter claimed two ducks, the ranger asked to see them. On picking up the first duck he tipped it up and sniffed it's anus.
"Ahh" said the ranger, this duck comes from the Alberta region.
The hunter said, "that's amazing," and then he passed him the second duck. Once again the range sniffed the duck's backside, and promptly announced, "this duck migrated down from the Yukon.".... "wow, I'm impressed," said the hunter.
Now the warden said, "May I see your license and duck stamps, please?"
"Sure," said the hunter, handing him his license.
"I see there's no current address showing on your license; sir," said the warden, "would you mind telling me where you're from?"
Bending over the hunter says, "You're the expert, you tell me!!!!!"

Oh ya, for you enterainment:
http://rolltidebama.com/jokes/Redneck_Deer_Stand1_1.jpg
http://rolltidebama.com/camphousepics/donnydear12.jpg

[ January 02, 2004, 08:41: Message edited by: Atrocities ]

[Atrocities]

88 HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET ID931

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg.

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Surface usually covered in painted film. Boils at nothing, freezes without known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if used incorrectly. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Has greet affinity for gold, silver and a range of other precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly in saturation with alcohol. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES:Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can be a great aid to relaxation. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in contact with each other

[Atrocities]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked.
9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

[Atrocities]

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant... much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Kamog:

quote:

---

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Booth was born in 1938.

That's a typo, right?

---

ROFL! Yep. I meant Booth was born in 1838.

[Atrocities]

This is NOT funny!

[Loser]

Darwin Thing, dubious but entertianing.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

This is NOT funny!

must not watch tv enough. what's not funny?

[Wardad]

But this is funny and very British...


http://he.fi/video/LSD_Being_Tested_...ish_Troops.mpg

This is a very big download...
(Kids, don't be fooled, the experiment could have gone very badly.
What did happen to the bloke that had to be removed?)

[ January 05, 2004, 20:15: Message edited by: Wardad ]