Indenting OR double-spacing would be fine. Both is a little... excessive. I prefer the double-spacing; its standard on the 'net.
And I think that part of the confusion over what is desired is a conflict-of-terms. In English, if they say double-spacing they want every single line to have a blank line between them; when I'm saying it on the net I want paragraphs to have to lines between them. That more clear? Great job on the last part, BTW. Though there were some... oddities.
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Lieutenant Commander O'Hara looked on amazed at her Captain.
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Definate grammar error there -- "looked on amazed" doesn't fit.
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He was also suffering a vicious head injury she noticed.
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That sentence broke the flow, and stood out -- I stubbed my mental toe on it, in a sense
Dunno how you can fix.
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"Sorry to interrupt sir, but your clearly injured and possibly concussed.
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"but you're clearly injured"? I might even consider dropping the use of a contraction there -- doesn't feel quite right.
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'She may have a point.' He thought.
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You seem to jump between just leaving thoughts as-is and using something to delineate them from the surrounding text -- unless you have a reason for that, I'd suggest that you pick one route and stick with it. More importantly, try to heighten the difference in feel between each set.
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Commodore Delap who had watched the exchange was impressed, not many officers would have had the guts to do that. He'd have to take a closer look at this O'Hara. On the screen she had just started speaking
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You seem to be dropping punctuation at the end of paragraphs from time to time, and this piece again breaks the flow a little. You need some sort of transition I think between the prior paragraph and this one. Additionally, you dropped a comma -- "Commodore Delap, who had..." Remember, if you're using parenthetical expresions -- ie putting one though inside another -- you need to delineate both sides of it, beggining and end. Just like I do with -- and --, though you may choose another route. If you're wondering, I use -- because a dash is supposed to be longer than a hyphen, but keyboards don't have a dash key, just a heyphen. Two hyphens are accepted as one dash, however (the things you learn in college English...).
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... and helm barely has manoeuvring power. We're in no fit state for combat"
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Get a spell-checker on manuevering. I think you mispelled it.
Again, a drop in punctuation at the end of the paragraph.
Quote:
"I don't like it Dave, they dinos sent that ship out on a suicide mission just to try and get one ship back to the homeworld. What cargo can be so important that it has to get to a blockaded planet?"
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"They dinos"?
Quote:
"Whatever it is we stopped it. That's got to be a good thing."
"True. But the cost was too high Dave."
Jennings was nonplussed. "We don't know the casualty figures from Saintes Mike."
"The engineering section was hit by a large nuclear missile, at least one of the crew must have died." Delap replied.
Mike nodded. That was sadly obvious.
"So the cost was too high." Delap finished.
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This conversation feels slightly contrived. Well, more than slightly. I don't know how you could make it feel more natural, but you might want to look at it.
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'Right lets have a look.' he said to himself while reading through the reams of damage report data.
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A) "'Right, lets have a look.' he said to himself."
Above and beyond the missing comma, if he said that you should use " instead of '; if he thought it you need to change the text.
B) "...reams of damage report data."? I don't think reams goes into that sentence right.
Um, what? You have a small grammar error there -- and a dropped finishing punctuation.
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"What the status Chief." O'Hara asked
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"What the status..."? Do you mean "What is" or "What's"?
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"We're not going to die in the next few hours put it that way.
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Um, bad phrasing -- deliberate attempt at humor / effect, or accident?
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The big problem is the reactor, it's rooted."
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Rooted? Um, is that a bit of local slang I'm utterly unfamiliar with (in which case it might be a bad choice), or is this just a made-up word to replace a swear word (a common choice in a lot of fiction).
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...a few 'maams' wouldn't...
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Do you mean "ma'ams"? Ma'am is a contraction, that I know. Just don't ask me what its a contraction
of please.
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"I thought you said we weren't going to die in the next few hours?" O'Hara exploded at the man over the comms.
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This is the only reason I believed the prior comment was for effect; but I'd still recommend re-doing.
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"We have a situation onboard Saintes and it doesn't look good. She's suffering a reactor containment failure which her engineer tells me is unstoppable. Also most of their escape pods were damaged by the missile blast.
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The also doesn't feel right -- it doesn't work with the flow very well. Try combining it a little closer, with a lot
less transition between ideas, sense they're so closely related.
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Commodore Delap was short and to the point.
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I'd disagree with that assesment, personally, but its you're call.
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"They wont like it sir, the management is still angry about losing the Leander contracts and the emergency work on Falcon" Watson replied.
"If they ever want another government contract and want to stay out of prison they will help" Marks reply brooked no argument.
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I like that bit. Its a nice touch.
BTW -- feel free to smack me if I'm being to hard on you, but this is the way I learned, so...
Re: Ocelots Rampant (Game Story)
If there are hundreds upon hundreds of pages of data, it would work.
Linear Mode
